I keep relapsing… my husband is sober.
I have been on benzos (Xanax,k-pins, and Valium)
My taper went well since August2025.
I abstained from alcohol, weed, anything mind altering.
I and finally tapered down to 2 1mg Valium to hold off the withdrawal draws.
I recently went back to my old ways and start to get 2mg Xanax in a semi-legitimate way. I won’t say how to encourage seekers.
I am so disappointed in myself.
At the same time I just need relief….
I know I have to suffer before I get better…
I just don’t know how to deal with my anxiety anymore, even with my psychiatrist, and a therapist.
I binge on the Xanax and stabilize with Valium to hold off the withdrawal.
I know deep down I must stop but it’s got a hold of me.
My husband went to a resort style rehab payed by his parents.
I went in and out of Psyc wards through the years and it didn’t help it made it worse.
I don’t feel shame in a way, I’m just doing what I think will get me through all the traumas I’ve had to deal with.
I know that’s not healthy and I am afraid of going I to rehab because of the rabid detox.
I’m functioning as far as a job, my husband doesn’t have a job and a lot if weighed on me to keep our financial situation in order.
I was prescribed these and I wish I didn’t step into that office 7-8 years ago.
The only time my mind is at ease is with these drugs but it’s not sustainable.
I went from 120 2mg Xanax and 90 2mg k-pins down to just the Valium I stated before. Now I’m sliding backwards.
I don’t know what to do.
I am going to tell my psychiatrist what has been happening… she has helped me through this before.
I just need to get this off my chest.
I just wish I had the opportunity to go into a rehab that will actually help me and prevent protracted withdrawal.
Thank you for your input.