9 Months Post Abortion - Mother's Day Was Hell + Severely Depressed
This might be a little long but I'm in desperate need of help. About 9 months ago, I (27) got an abortion. At the time, the person I was seeing, broke up with me. I tried to tell him I was pregnant but received no responses to me reaching out. He never ended up responding to me. We were in an off and on relationship for 6 years - so that deeply hurt me.
My (only) best friend, told me that I should get an abortion. I was scared out of my mind and didn't know what to do. I don't have much of a support system. I basically raised myself and don't speak to my biological parents much. The only parental figure I had, passed away a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant. But I decided to listen to what I felt was expected of me.
For months I just pushed it deep down and pretended it never happened. I knew if I thought too much about it, it might've been too much for me to handle. I was pregnant before, but had a miscarriage. The miscarriage really, really affected me mentally. I fell into a deep depression following so I knew the abortion on top of that could possibly break me. I avoided my true feelings and thoughts regarding the situation which was - I want this baby.
Fast forward 9 months, I would've had the baby this month. Which has already been difficult in itself. But Mother's Day came and everything I avoided came to surface, I was drowning in my grief and anger all day. I'm finally coming to terms with what I've done and letting myself think about it. I don't know how to forgive myself for not having the baby. I know I could've done it, I have a stable 9-5 office job that's extremely flexible and pays very well. So affordability wasn't really a concern of my mine in that regard.
I think I made too fast of a decision. And now I know it'll haunt me forever. I just don't know how to deal with this alone and without the baby's father. I feel like I'm taking a deep dive into depression again and losing my sanity a bit. I have never felt like this before and it's scary. I'm so broken, sad, and devastated that I don't see the light. I've been blowing up the baby's father's phone in hope for some support but haven't gotten any.
Please any advice would be appreciated. Is it normal to feel this way? Am I going crazy?