u/Chance_Actuary9501

Its so frustrating to think that so many things in my life are determined by how I look and weigh. I have gained weight, family and friends tell me I look the same. It feels invalidating. I want to lose weight and end up gaining. Then I wont be able to lose it because of staying with family. And seeing other people with an ED losing and losing is making me spiral. I cant even do this right. I dont wish for those people to get worse obviously but why do I wish it for myself.

I even have an appointment with a psychiatrist after talking with a therapist and because both my therapist and my dad are worried I have ana they want me to get an assessment there. But I dont know if I want to if it means I will be forced to recover. The past weeks have been honestly a mess I wish I didnt have to eat or think or even get up from bed.

This constant back and forth is making me lose my mind. One day I feel normal then the next I feel huge. I am a few days before my period and I have gained weight, more than usual. I will never make it to my goal and even though I am still considered uw I dont look like it. It was going so well last year but now I am gaining amd losing the same weight. I dont even know if there is anyone out there that has similar feelings. Not when ana is shown as a downward where people lose and lose and lose and never gain. I feel like a failure at one thing I am not even supposed to be doing.

I wish this disorder wasnt a thing for anyone.