Seeking help for my Mother and I
Hello, my mother recently had a CT scan for a hernia showing numerous pancreatic cystic lesions possibly representing side-branch IPMN, as well as a questionable 1.5 cm enhancing lesion in the pancreatic tail and a 1 cm duodenal lesion. The report recommended MRI characterization and endoscopic correlation. The wait June 4th (hoping to get something earlier) is excruciating.
I’ve been depressed for a decade plus. 38. No job. No friends. Single all my life. Never leaving the house unless forced. I’m extrovert and it’s been hell. Weirdly, this has brought some clarity. Such as now knowing I’d like to be a full-time streamer and maybe get into surface pattern design and watercolor painting (I can barely draw but for some reason I’m drawn to this). Stuff I’ve wanted to do but waffled on for ages out of severe insecurity and fear. I want us to have friends again, people that care about us but because of me we became isolated.
Now I’m in limbo. I want to help her. And I’ve never been prone to panic attacks but I’ve had this persistent nervousness in the pit of my stomach that’s become horrendous. Lose of appetite and unable to sleep properly. Trapped in fear of losing her, the only person I have left and ending up homeless.
I have several meditations but it has been extremely hard to focus or even feel/imagine what it would be like to be actually happy. It’s been so long I can barely remember what that is. I’ve even started fearing meditating.
I just want for her to be healthy and strong she’ll be 73 in July I just want us to move forward and enjoy our time for us to be stable health wise and financially. Any advice is greatly appreciate sorry for how messy this is.