Even when you stop being physically isolated, and get out in the world, it never leaves you. The isolation mangles you. It ruins the ports for connection in your brain and heart. Doesn't matter what you try. The isolation's inside you now. It is you.
I'm so tired. I've been so tired for so long that I've run out of ways to say it. I've taken every piece of advice, and the worst part is that I believed it. I thought it would get better if I held on. But I just keep losing. I lose friends and connections and hope and my mind. over and over and over again. No matter how many times I scrape up my last dregs of energy to strike out at the world and try again, I end up alone. Staring into the 3 am dark again.
All this struggle for what? I'm sick of being let down. Sick of letting myself down. Sick of feeling so lonely, sick of failing to establish connection, sick of waiting for things to "get better" like all those billion empty promises. Sick of waiting for things to be different this time. Too tired to hold myself up anymore. I don't know how you guys get through this. I think I'm too weak to.