I'm at a loss for how to cope, so I guess a Reddit post is as good as anything, right?
Last week, someone I knew distantly killed himself in a very violent way. He had reached out for help, but the UK mental health service are useless. So, he died needlessly. They could have helped him. He was in his 20s.
And I'm not coping. And I don't know why. But this isn't the first person I know who killed themselves.
In fact, this is the eighth guy I know to die via suicide or overdose, with all but one in their 20s. I knew each of them in different ways, some I was close to as a kid but we drifted apart, others were exes, one was family. In all cases, the deaths weren't peaceful. These were desperate men who just needed everything to stop.
And this most recent one I really wasn't particularly close to - he was an ex-partner of a distant family member. I maybe met him a dozen times over 7 years. But he was a good guy who loved his dogs and his partner - a kind guy who never forgot an anniversary or birthday but, like so many others I know, struggled with addiction.
He went looking for help though, and it never came.
I've not really slept or eaten in 5 days (For reference, I don't take any drugs or drink). I tore my whole kitchen apart and redecorated it so I don't have to sit and think. I'm taking panic attacks, my body hurts, and I'm so, so strung out.
I don't know why I'm grieving so hard for this guy, when I've lost people much closer to me and coped with those much better. I don't even really feel like I can tell people how bad it is, because it will look like attention-seeking (i.e. "oh I barely knew this guy but let's all pay attention to me not coping!!").
I don't know why I'm so ill with this loss. I don't know why I can't eat or sleep. I don't know why my friends keep dying. I don't know why I get to live.
If you read this far, thanks. I'm broken but I'm grateful.