I'm 45 I have 2 kids and a grandchild. You may think that I sound normal but alas I know
I'm not.
I have lost all 3 of my grandparents that I met, a nephew, countless pets and both of my parents. You may think again that this is mostly normal for someone my age but what I feel is not normal. I don't feel anything no loss, no grief, no hole that I cant get out of because of the grief. I feel nothing.
For me, that person is just not there anymore. A line drawn in the sand, moving forward without that person in my life.
I know when my mum died 3 years ago I felt an amazing sense of overwhelm, but no grief. Now I had lived with my mum for most of my life. I brought up 2 children in her household, for the last 15 years of her life I was her carer. Particularly through the last few years and the cancer. then she was gone. There was just nothing but overwhelm with the amount of stuff I had to do.
Now when my dad died I was 18. We weren't close. my parents had been divorced since i was 8. My siblings and I saw him on the Sunday on the Monday night he was dead. But again, nothing.
It was the same with my grandparents. they were there and then they weren't.
Now on the flip side.
I have 2 children (M24 and F11) and my grandchild and although I tell them I love them every day I'm not sure I feel love either. I've had a few relationships in my life with men and women and they have told me that they loved me but I was never able to say it to them because I don't think I felt it.
I have been single now for 11 years. No partner. No friend with benefits, nothing and to be honest i feel so much better that I've made that decision. No marriage. No sex. At least i know I'm not going to hurt anyone with what i don't feel.
But what I wanted answered is there a name for what I feel (or lack of) or am I really broken?