I gave her an ultimatum, and somehow it all ended with me being the problem.
I just want to get all of the weight off my chest.
I've been in a relationship with this girl for 5 years now, the first year was complete chaos. There's this thing in the Philippines called a "monthsary" where you celebrate the date you become a couple every month. If you miss one or forget to greet your partner, you're in deep shit. So the first year ends with no major setbacks. We were sweet and loving. She was showing real promise of a good partner. Then came the anniversary. It was a real coincidence that I just got back to the country on the night before our anniversary. It was close to midnight and the airport is packed, taxi stands all queued up. So I opted to stay the night at the airport just wandering around, passing the time until daylight where there's plenty of taxis to ride. I made sure to call her, greet her a happy anniversary, and to tell her I wouldn't be making it home for our anniversary because I had someurgent business with my employers to settle, and that we would celebrate our anniversary when I get back after the next day. Then and there on that very airport I chose to sleep in, on the crowded steel benches, she broke up with me. I cried like a idiot among other folks also spending the night at the airport. Morning came, and it was devastating. I didn't get much sleep from the long flight from the US to all the drama I was living in my head. I booked a cheap hotel to decompress from everything, I cried and cried like a little boy for the girl who just gave up on me because she didn't get what she wanted. The came the worst part, she called back trying to make me reconsider my decision and come home to her even if I had an important meeting the next day. I still said NO. Then she would make it about me not caring about her, or not considering her time waiting for me to return and all that shit. And complain about me not being man enough to stand up for her to my employers because of our anniversary.
A week in of no contact, she suddenly reaches out saying sorry for her actions, and that her words weren't meant to be that way. So my dumb ass fell for her sweet words and got back to reconciliation.
I really felt like a part of me died that day on that hotel room. I took a shit while crying, i took a bath crying, even the food that was good for 2 people made me fucking cry. A grown fucking man crying alone in a hotel room. I promised myself I wouldn't feel that way for her again. I wouldn't love deeply. And give her what she deserves.
Since then I observed her actions, her behavior, her triggers, I tip toed around her, avoided conflict and she would still find ways to start an argument. And for the next 4 fucking years of me being an idiot and falling for her love bombs after every fucking breakup skit she cooks up 2 to 3 times a month. Conditioning me to a fucking trauma bond - love bomb combo for 5 fucking years.
On this last and final year, I just found out about NPD, and other personalities and all the therapy shit. I started connecting the dots on this woman's behavior. I wasn't even aware of the manipulation. Her family members were also part of the mix. They would coerce me to do things for them even if I clearly say I don't want to. I stopped smoking, I quit drinking because of health risks, and they would still force me to drink even when I'm on meds. Her, and her mom and aunt, would ask for very inconvenient favors and get me to do stuff for them as if my time and effort didn't matter to them. They would call me a wet blanket or a bummer if I didn't agree to their demands. My girlfriend was the same. She would say things like "you're not man enough" or "you're more of a woman than I am", or "step up", or "my friend's partners are better than you" "you have no goals in life" you'll stay the same baby boy all your life".
I'm not kidding on all the shit she said to me.
Even if I consider myself no small game, I earn as much as a small city mayor here in the Philippines. And I would buy her gifts, pay for dates and all that shit. Yet she still has the nerve to say "you're not a provider" "you don't have a provider mindset", or "you're always stingy with money" "it's always 50/50 with you" though I know for a damn fact that's not true. I just let her pay on occasions she feels generous, but never a 50/50 split. I bought her flowers before, a 1000 dollar watch, and another fucking watch on her birthday, small trinkets I find amusing and romantic. They're all displayed at her house. Yet she somehow forgets all the effort and gifts i gave her when she's triggered or angry. She dismisses all of my efforts as if nothing really mattered to her. I would even fucking babysit her nephews for her, they like me as their fun uncle. And she doesn't see that. I even lent her enough money to pay for her mother's operation. Yet she still doesn't see that.
At this point I'm just rambling all of my sorrows 😅
Anyway, for the cherry on top. For all the narcissist abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, DARVO, silent treatment, love bombs and all that bullshit.
Here came the ultimatum.
We had this explosive fight over some nonsense about how important time is for her and that I'm not seeing it her way when I refused to join her and her family for a short trip to her cousin's house a few towns over. It was a fucking clown car, an 8 seater packed with 5 fat adults 3 skinny women and 3 children. So I refused and gave way to her family. I went home to do some unchecked chores, piled up laundry, cook food for my busy uncle. All the basic stuff they can't bother to do. She then chose the silent treatment route and went all the way, including clearing up every photo we have together on social media. Another breakup skit. Also comes with personal insults, jabs and fouls.
A few days with no contact she comes running back begging to reconnect after all the drama and hurt she started. I was ready to leave, but as always. She's so damn convincing at apologizing, I asked her what she could promise to help repair this toxic relationship, she said nothing, she can't promise anything. I told her that in the near future, another scenario would come and all this drama would repeat all over again. But she insists that we can still save it after all that shit. So I gave in, said our apologies, back to normal. Right? Nope!
After a few days we were at it again! Just after I did some maintenance work at her aunt's house she would invite me the next day to do more repairs and to escort her on her way to the bus terminal in the evening.
And so the next and final day came. I just woke up, said good morning only to read that she wanted me bring clothes to stay until the next morning for her to catch a 3am trip to Manila.
She asked once, I said NO, it would be a hassle and a difficult trip for her. She asked twice and pleaded me to say yes. I firmly said NO and that I would gladly join her if she went a bit earlier in the evening. She asked a third time. That's when I gave her the ultimatum, I either go with her on the evening trip like she planned before, or go on the 3am trip alone. I called it stupid and unplanned. She reacted because it turned out that her aunt was the one who suggested the 3am early morning trip. She just wouldn't take NO for an answer. Then she made it about the few more hours she could spend with her family, and that I didn't care enough for her, I couldnt adjust for her, I needed to man up, I disrespected her with that ultimatum, she couldn't believe that came out of my mouth, and so it spirals out of control leading to more hurtful words, criticism, blame. All the works. And another explosive breakup. She now plans to pawn off the watch I gave her. Try to ruin my character to her family and friends. I don't give a fuck anymore.
It was a tough 5 years, at times I thought to myself, am I the problem? Am I the narcissist? Or am I good enough? I don't fucking know anymore. I thought of unaliving myself, but that wasn't a good idea. Sometimes I would just stop by a local church ang get on my knees to pray for this poor soul. Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong. It would keep me awake at night until sunrise just contemplating the moments in my head.
Now I'm confused. I don't know what to do anymore. I need help.