Dysfunctional Roommate: HELP IMMEDIATELY!!!
I, 28, female, live in a shared home with a roommate and my sister, and I’m trying to figure out how to handle a situation that has been getting increasingly stressful and feels unsafe at times. I became friends with her in 2024 and we all decided to live together, not knowing all of her health concerns to an extent. She has functional and epileptic seizures and takes meds which she sometimes for attention chooses not to take. I've been there for her through it all, knowing it's been hard and helped her. She placed herself in situations where they'd trigger them for attention and once I had to stop the bleeding because she bust her head on the floor and called the ambulance. I've always been there for her, loved her unconditionally and tried to keep safe boundaries. She has autism and BPD and schizoeffective disorder (i didn't know the last two because she hid it but I knew the autism which I have no problem with in any but she uses that to her advantage for an excuse). She plays victim, lies... Over time, my roommate has repeatedly crossed personal boundaries, including physical behavior in the past such as grabbing or dragging me during emotional moments. She's put dents in the wall, had huge outbursts and only brings up everyone's faults. I tried to give grace, set boundaries, but she told me she didn't know what that was. She also makes hurtful comments about me and my appearance like my hair and my face and tells me she doesn't know how to affirm people when I need the love I give, and during conflict, she often becomes defensive or shifts the focus onto me instead of addressing the issue. She has told me she sometimes sabotages friendships and can hurt people intentionally just for fun. Se has also called me a “convenient friend,” which has made me feel undervalued despite the support I’ve tried to give her.
I have tried to be understanding and have been there for her during serious emotional and health-related situations because no one else will but at this point me and my sister are so fed up. My heart hurts writing this because I feel like I poured into someone who had an empty well, unable to return it; I don’t feel that support is mutual or respected in the same way. When I try to express concerns or set boundaries, it often turns into escalation, misunderstanding, or me being framed as the problem. On top of this, there are now safety concerns in the home. She has threatened to smoke inside the house even though it is not allowed as a rule and my sister has asthma and I have a cat (which she by the way crosses the boundaries with my cat and calls it a street hoe, that's my daughter btw), and there have been comments about self-harm behavior in the home environment for attention as well as practicing it sometimes then when we call her out on it, she giggles or cries and gets angry and yell that if we leave, she will...you know, which makes things feel unpredictable and unsafe.
My sister has noticed similar patterns, which adds to the tension and concern. At this point, I’m trying to understand how to set boundaries with someone who does not respect them or tends to escalate emotionally when confronted, and how to protect my peace without making the situation worse while still living in the same house. I’m also wondering at what point a living situation like this becomes unsafe enough to consider taking more formal steps or planning to leave. I’m not trying to demonize her, but I feel overwhelmed and like I’m losing stability and peace in my own home, and I’m not sure what the healthiest next step is. I want out...I thought this was my friend but it was a lie. I try to remember the good times but I only feel pushed away and abused. I like sentiment but she is incapable.