I compare myself to other wives and I start to resent my husband.
I (30F) moved to another country (in Europe) to be with my husband (35M). I have a remote job that pays okay. Enough to live comfortably in my country of origin (3rd world country). I was able to afford vacations outside the country and have consistent monthly savings. But here in Europe, it’s not enough to pay 100% of the bills and go on vacation etc. I kept my old job while learning their language. Then I plan on getting a better-paying job.
My husband is jobless. He has been jobless and reliant on state benefits even before he met me. Now we’ve been together for 2 years and he has been jobless for 3 years (1st year of those 3 years, he just spent all of his savings until he went to thousands in minus. Then he started getting state benefits afterwards until now). We get a bit of state help for the apartment because my salary alone does not cover living expenses for 2 people. This does not mean we live comfortably. We barely have €50 left in the shared account at the end of every month. His bank account is sometimes on minus. He is also in €30,000+ debt (student loan and from family and friends).
My bank account is separate. I have a bit of savings but we both agreed that his debt before me should be paid by him. Part of this debt was spent on supporting his ex girlfriends that fckd him over. He was basically the sole provider while living with these exes. That’s when his financial struggle began. So I do not feel comfortable using my hard-earned money to help pay for this. He’s ok with that.
He doesn’t work because of a chronic pain that has only recently been diagnosed. It took about 3 years before anybody was able to diagnose it. He’s able to walk and function but gets the pain after hours of sitting/walking/carrying stuff. (I won’t go into details but there is no guarantee this will ever go away).
Anyway, we met with 2 other couples (the women are the same nationality as me, the men are the same nationality as him). Their situation are soooo different. The men are the main providers. The women are stay-at-home and just travels around, goes to Yoga, crafts, bakes and about to start their cute little online crafts business to keep them busy.
Here I am, same age as them, also educated, I earn my own money, with traditional values, yet my husband is jobless and we are broke. I can’t help but feel a bit of resentment towards my husband for not being 100% honest with me about his financial situation. I did not know he was this broke when I agreed to move to his country. I knew he was in debt, I did not know it was this much. He never went into details of the exact amount of debt from family and friends until recently. I also did not expect him to me jobless for the whole 2 years we are together.
I am not looking for a sugar daddy or someone to fund my whole existence. I just wanted a partner who has goals and works like me. Someone I can go through life with, and not as broke people who can barely afford anything.
I miss the lifestyle I had before I moved to Europe. I miss being able to afford to travel all the time (mostly within my country) without worrying if I can afford groceries for the month. I used to even work at the beach while sipping cocktails. Now here I am. Broke, unhappy. We don’t even go on dates because he tells me that gas is expensive. We’re just holed up at home, me working, him playing computer games. The only reason I am still here is because I love my husband.
I don’t know what to do. I told him I feel this way but he said it’s not his fault he has pain and that he “can’t work until the pain is gone). That’s his consistent response to me. I feel like he could’ve done more though to get out of the financial hole he was in before bringing me into his country. He’s able to work some jobs (as long as it’s not physical labor) but chose not to. The state approved his benefits so he doesn’t seem eager to find a job that fits his situation. I hoped he just tried harder to get his sht together first before bringing me here. Even after I arrived, I hoped he would’ve just tried harder to find a job.
I feel guilty feeling this way. He loves me, and I love him. At the same time I can’t fake it. I am unhappy with our financial situation and the lifestyle I have now. I see other women my age just cruising through life because of their husbands. They don’t work, and have this comfortable life. I work and I am still broke. I am ashamed to admit that I am jealous of that. I feel a bit of resentment towards my husband for bringing me into this lifestyle that feels like a downgrade to my lifestyle before I met him. I did not 100% know what I was getting into. I feel like he held back the full picture of how broke he is when he met me. It was also ky fault for not pushing more to give me the exact amount of debt he was in. I sometimes wonder what my life would’ve been had I stayed in my country. I feel like a terrible person even thinking about this.
I need advice. I feel stuck.