r/married

Like the title says. How do you cope? I just want to relax for a few minutes.

I'm a man in my 50s and have been married to my wife for over 25 years. We have 2 grown kids and are empty-nesters living in the SW U.S.

Looking back on my life, I feel like I have been 'useful', but not 'wanted' if you know what I mean. It's like I was checking ✅ the boxes for my wife over the years, but otherwise being pushed aside.

The first box for my wife was getting married. Check. It's almost like a switch flipped after we married, with emotional distancing and lack of affection happening immediately.

And then she wanted kids. Next check ✅. Then it was always about getting the perfect family photos for Christmas cards or whatever to make us look like the perfect family.

But on the inside I've always been terribly lonely. As soon as we got married, the affection stopped and she did her own thing and the marriage wasn't a priority, causing us to drift apart physically and emotionally.

Obviously there are more details, but fast forward to today, and I feel like most of my life was a bait-and-switch situation, where I was 'useful' but never 'wanted'.

And if this is relevant, my wife is currently on HRT, but nothing was really different before or after HRT regarding the context of this post.

I've told her how I feel many times over the years, and things will improve for a few days, feeling very 'forced', and then return to loneliness soon after.

There are no other real issues. We are both healthy and physically fit, have professional careers, we don't really argue, and there are no money issues or anything like that.

But I just feel sad and alone like I'm being put on the shelf until I'm 'needed' again, and I'm not sure where to go from here at this stage in my life.

I feel like it would be selfish to throw away my marriage and disrupt my family after all these years, but the thought of continuing to carry this sadness and loneliness for another 30 years or more is also disheartening.

I suppose there really isn't a great answer here, but if anyone has any thoughts or questions, please let me know.

tl;dr After 25 years of marriage, I feel like I was 'needed' but not wanted, almost like a bait-and-switch situation. I am experiencing sadness and loneliness and am not sure where to go from here.

I’m considering hiring a private investigator to follow my boyfriend around because I want to know what he’s actually up to.

We’re serious, and we’ve been talking about getting married. But honestly, I don’t think I can take that step unless I know for sure what type of person he is. I know that might sound extreme, but marriage is a huge commitment, and I’d rather know now than find out something major after we’re married.
I’ve only told my sister about this, and she thinks I’m crazy for even considering it. Maybe she’s right, but I don’t think the idea is that crazy. All I want to know is whether he really is who he says he is.
Everyone has skeletons in their closet to some degree. I just want to know what his are before it’s too late.

Am I being completely unreasonable here?

For my wife, she's roleplaying as the woman who ordered pizza but had no money to pay for it while I'm roleplaying as a level 12 paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points in +3 plate armor!

What was your worst fight? How did you get over it? How did you compromise?

Are there any women here who are in a relationship where they have a significantly higher sex drive and desire for physical affection than their partner? I’d really like to hear how you deal with it and whether you’ve found a way to be happy despite this difference.

For us, it’s currently roughly every 7–10 days that we have sex. I know that this is completely normal and maybe even a lot for many people – but unfortunately, it often isn’t enough for me, and it weighs on me.
My partner is making an effort, and we’re both working on it. At the same time, he needs his own space quite often and then also withdraws physically. During these phases, he sometimes doesn’t want any physical affection at all – not kissing or cuddling. That is particularly difficult for me.

I’ve also tried to find other ways to deal with it, for example by using sex toys. They help to some extent, but it’s simply not the same. It’s not just the sex I’m missing, but above all the closeness, intimacy, affection, and the feeling of being desired. In everyday life, that feeling has almost completely disappeared by now. At the beginning of our relationship, things were very different.
Unfortunately, this is how things have developed over the years since we moved in together.

I’m working a lot on learning to tolerate this situation and not take every rejection personally. At the same time, I’m realizing that the complete lack of physical affection in everyday life is really getting to me. I miss being desired. We don’t flirt, we don’t have chemistry and sex doesn’t feel like Fun. He doesn’t bring up stuff he wants to try. I feel like we only have sex when his physical urges grow to strong after a certain amount of time and in the meantime he doesn’t think one thought about Sex or approaching me sexually.
We always talk about including smaller things in our day to day life ( like quick BJs and stuff) but nothing ever happens or I get a No as an answer.

Breaking up is not an option for me. Apart from this issue, this is the best relationship of my life, and I’m very sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. So I’m not looking for advice on whether I should leave him.
I genuinely want to know: How can you learn to live with a libido mismatch without becoming unhappy yourself?
Are there any women who have experienced something similar? What helped you? Have you found a way of dealing with it that works for both of you? And especially, how do you cope when it’s not just sex you’re missing, but physical affection in general and the feeling of being desired?

I'm not sure if this is a commonly asked question. My wife doesn't give a crap, so long as I'm not blatantly looking at it in front of her, nor keep it on my phone.

But I'm wandering if anyone else has similar compromises or if they just don't do it.

Has anybody ever grown more and more obsessed with their spouse year after year? Right now it's not an unhealthy thing I believe and I give her plenty of space I don't smother her however she's all I ever think about and crave. I guess my biggest fear is that it's going to get to a point where it's too much. So am I setting myself up for failure? Right now I have a couple kinkss that allow me to fulfill my cravings but I'm worried they will get out of control.

For those married later in life, where did you meet your person and how old were you when you got married? Has it been successful or do you wish you stayed unmarried?

My husband won't go down on me. He says it's "not his thing", but it definitely is my thing so it disappoints me and hurts my feelings. I've never hesitated to go down on him for as long as we have been together, and when I remind him of that he simply asks me less often to do it for him lol. As a woman it's not always easy to "finish" and that's what would 100% do it for me. I'm a pretty sexual person, but the lack of doing what I want and need has me feeling frustrated and not wanting to have sex at all because I feel pathetic having to ask every time we have sex and it never happening. I feel like I've expressed it so much that he should know it's what I want and just do it. It's also hard when I hear other people talk about how their man goes down on them. I just wish he WANTED to.

I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice?

tl;dr husband won't go down on me regardless of me repeatedly asking. Affecting sex life and confidence.

Looking for some ideas maybe to surprise him with something new/fun! My husband (32m) & I (28f) have an awesome sex life - I’d love to add to it!

Wives - you’re welcome to please comment anything you tried that your husband was “wow-ed” by!

Side note: we aren’t a fan of watching porn together, it did not add any desired heat/fun for us when we tried multiple times lol. Just our preference & no judgement to any couples who enjoy together, but we are notttt into it 😂

Thanks in advance! 😊

Title: My wife seems to have completely lost her motivation and may be depressed. How can I support her?
My wife has always been an extremely passionate, hardworking, ambitious person. She’s always had a lot of drive and has been very career-oriented.
Over the last 2–3 years, though, she says she’s gradually felt more and more exhausted and burnt out. Recently she told me she feels like she’s been running on empty for a long time and really needs a break. I believe her, so I’ve tried not to pressure her.
She’s currently waiting for her new work permit, so she has been off work for the last 3–4 months. I thought the break might help her recover, but instead, she seems to be getting worse.
She spends 7–8 hours a day on Instagram, mostly just scrolling. She doesn’t seem interested in doing much else. Over the last 10 days especially, she has been very moody and sad, wants me around constantly, and frequently asks when I’ll be home from work. She says she feels lethargic and has no energy to do anything. Even basic things around the house have become difficult for her.
She tells me, “Just be with me. I feel cheerful when you’re around.” And I absolutely want to be there for her. I love her and I don't mind spending time with her. But I also work full-time, and I can only be physically and emotionally available for so many hours a day. I'm starting to worry that she is becoming dependent on my presence to feel okay, and I don't know how to support her without making her feel abandoned when I have to go to work or do my own things.
I’ve suggested things like working out, picking up a hobby, going to a cafe to work/read, getting out of the house, or even just changing her environment for a few hours. But she says she feels too tired and has no motivation.
She has also turned down some relatively easy side work because she says she just wants to chill. I completely understand that she may genuinely need rest, and I don’t want to push her back into a work mindset if she’s actually burned out. At the same time, I’m starting to wonder whether doing absolutely nothing all day is actually making things worse.
She has told me that she thinks she might be depressed, and thankfully she is open to talking to a therapist. She says she isn’t spiraling or constantly overthinking and doesn’t have any particular thoughts going through her head. She mostly just feels… empty, tired, and unmotivated.
I’ve been close to someone who was depressed before, and some of this feels very familiar. That’s making me worried.
I love her and I want to support her, but I’m struggling with where the line is between giving her the rest she needs and gently encouraging her to start doing things again.
I also find myself thinking, “She has so much potential, I want her to get back to being herself,” but I realize that might not be the most helpful mindset if she’s actually struggling with depression or burnout.
For anyone who has experienced depression, burnout, or supported a partner through it:
What actually helped?
Should I mostly leave her alone and let her recover on her own? Should I encourage therapy and professional help more strongly? Is gently getting her out of the house and into a routine helpful, or does that just feel like pressure when someone is depressed?
And how do you balance being there for your partner with maintaining your own life and responsibilities? I want to be there for her, but I also know I can only do so much, and I don't want our entire emotional support system to become dependent on me being physically present.
I really want to support her without accidentally making her feel like she’s failing because she isn't productive right now.

BEFORE MARRIAGE
So we’re both 26 years old, and just got married in January. I’m a US Citizen and she’s a Philippine Citizen, so we have 2 different cultural backgrounds.

Before we got married the relationship was good. We were mostly LDR for about 3 years — every waking and sleeping moment we were on call, we’d update each other no problem, completely faithful to one another and it was peaceful. We never fought with each other and the dates when we are with each other every other month are beautiful memories…

MARRIED
But fast forward to now. We’ve been married for 6 months now and I can’t live peacefully in my own home. It’s almost like walking on eggshells around her cause she always gives me shit for the little things. Like yea Husband and Wife tales are always like “yea you’ll fight over the smallest things” but I don’t want to always accept disrespect in my own home. It’s to the point she’s in one room, and I’m in the other to avoid clashing with her.

She doesn’t have to work — I’m the breadwinner so she gets to be a housewife. I expect the respect as the breadwinner but no, I don’t come home to “hi love, how was your day? Do you need anything?” I always come home to “oh I’m so tired, look I did all this for you — you don’t help me in this house.” *literally just opens the fridge for 5 seconds* “close the fridge youre wasting electricity!” I’m just laying on the couch, trying to relax, minding my own business then I’ll simply go to the bathroom. Next thing you know I’ll hear her bitching that I didn’t fix the couch after laying there and not turning off the electric fan, when literally I was gna go back. The dishes man… she cooks. Guess who has to wash dishes? Me. Honestly its not a problem for me to wash the dishes, but the fuckin audacity for her to create piles of dishes… ok.. so I’ll wash the dishes, then she’ll look at what I washed and get mad that I didn’t do it right (to what she considers right) and say I half-assed it and she ends up washing it again?!!! Like youre the one asking for help, but youre the one getting mad ???That’s just a few of the small things we argue about and yes they are small things.. but hearing it everyday, is fucking insane. My patience has been breaking and setting new limits everyday, YES we’ve compromised and I adjust but the fucking problem is that it’s just me adjusting! Even If I do it, it’s somehow still a problem?!!!

We argued a couple days ago about it, but I brushed it off and acted like it was just another small fight. But she came up to me earlier and basically wanted to communicate about it which I was open and willing to do so. BUT, she told me she was talking on the phone with my sister about it (cause she wanted advice/insight of how to deal with me) but all I understood from what she said was that she played victim, and I’m framed as the bad guy… when we started arguing, I let her talk, let her say her side, but when I start to rebuttal logically and factually — i find her scrolling on her phone not even paying attention to damn thing I say. And this is what she does most of the time we fight. And this time I said fuck this, her disrespect has gone too far.

THOUGHTS
Don’t get me wrong here, my wife is great. She cooks really good, does the laundry, cleans — but all it still doesn’t even out the disrespect. It’s like she has so many complaints with the only things she has to do. Honestly ever since I’ve been adjusting being married to her up until now, I feel like I married the wrong person. I view marriage as a very sacred thing and it really is to death do us part for me, but fuck.. I hate the fact I even have to vent like this to a bunch of strangers, hate the fact I even have these thoughts…

Is it cause of sex? We don’t have sex often. If we do it’s once in a blue moon and I mostly have to resort to jerk off because of my high sex drive. In connection to this is also the feeling of being wanted too. My wife doesn’t make me feel desired like before. These days I’ve been thinking and looking at other women and wonder what if I married her instead? When I talk to girls that are around my age, I can tell they don’t want to fully commit into even just friendly convo because it’s like we both know it could go beyond so and we respect the wedding band… I look down at it and question, fuck man why does it feel like I’m chained down instead of happily married ? I don’t want to cheat on my wife. But I hate the fact that’s even a thought that comes up, I hate the fact I don’t feel attracted to my wife anymore and now look at other women, but ultimately it’s because I’m turned off by how my wife treats me.

I want these thoughts to go away and learn to live with and love my wife faithfully mentally and physically. But idk, it’s hard.

if you read my rant thanks, if you can help me with better insight or perspective on this please lmk.

Hi guys,

I (female almost 35) and my husband (almost 33) have been married 11 years and have a 9 year old, level 3 autistic child. Our marriage is really great but sometimes I get burnt out when it comes to chores. He's a sous chef and works nights, mornings, weekends, holidays... you name it. I work from home as a medical appointment scheduler Monday through Friday from 7am - 330pm. Our son goes to school Monday through Friday and his grandad takes him to and from.

Lately I feel so burnt out. I've asked my husband to pick one chore to do constantly either before or after work to try and lighten the load but it doesn't help much because sometimes he doesn't have time to do it. How do busy couples get the chores done?

For those who have been married for long time:

I (M48) have been married almost 20 years; two kids, mortgage, etc. Marriage has been mostly fine, except we're both non-confrontational, which resulted in a lot of avoiding of dealing with things. We get along great, we're a really good team when it comes to household, bills, parenting, etc.

The past 5 years we've occasionally delved into some of the more difficult topics, which primarily center on faith. We were both strong christians when we met, dated, married - it was a fundamental reason for our relationship, and would've been a deal breaker back then. I found my path about 5 years ago and no longer share that faith, and it's amazing how much of life is viewed through the lens of faith.

A year ago we started going to counseling and managed to deal with a lot of the things we had ignored; but the faith thing is an ongoing disconnect, and we're trying to work through it.

On another front, on two separate occasions I've met people for whom I ended up developing a crush. Nothing has happened, reason prevailed and i was able to move on. But this has left me with the question: I don't have that intensity of emotion with my wife any more, and I don't think she does either. We're both very laid back and easy going - another way to look a this is we're not passionate (?).

We don't talk about the topics we know are going to lead to a contentious place; and we're really good at life together in other respects. But it worries me that we may just be comfortable rather than happy.

Does any of this sound familiar to others, and how did you work through it?

My wife and I have been married for over 10 years and we consistently have an issue around physical affection. I am very physically affectionate and she nearly never initiates physical touch, and is very slow to respond to me touching her. What does this look like? She doesn't initiate a hug, kiss, etc. She has never walked by me and pinched my butt. She has never spontaniously wanted to make out or make love anywhere. If I make a flirtacious gesture towards her, it takes several attempts to get her to respond physically. She's repeatedly told me that physicallity isn't her love language and that instead she does things for me, like cooking meals, etc, as demonstrations of love. When we met and were dating, I definitely noticed that she was much more reserved than my previous partners, but I attributed that to her inexperience and expected that she would continue to become more expressive as she became more comfortable. That time has not come.

I'm not sure what to do next. She says she is always open to whatever I want to do, but it doesn't feel reciprocal or interesting for someone to be passively enjoying physical love while not adding to the experience or enthusiasm. She continues to be a caring and engaged partner in life, but I feel complete disatisfaction with our physical love. The relationship feels like a deep friendship.

I been with my husband since 2023, that first year he cheated on me with 3 different women’s from his past, and used to text with many more, we decided to go to therapy and work on the relationship, fast forward we got married last year and had a baby.
He had change the going out and mysterious plans, I been struggling with healing, I had a baby my body changed a lot, he dealing with testosterone and losing sex drive I don’t feel desired, he recently started taking testosterone and tadafil to help with the sex drive .
Friday he came home from work smelling like alcohol and cigars and when I saw his underwear was dirty of precum, he swear he didn’t cheat but tbh I don’t believe him and I feel so lost .
I wanted to keep my family, I truly love that men but the stress I’m living always thinking about he cheating it’s killing me .