I don’t know what to do. All I know is I’m at my limit
As a parent in this economy nothing feels affordable.
As a modern husband I don’t think I’m ever doing things right.
As a man raised by a single mom I don’t know how to lead my household because I spent early stages of my life being yelled at for small mistakes and being told that “accomplishments” are what “I’m supposed to be doing”.
Lonely doesn’t even describe how I feel on a constant basis, I live at work and visit my home. I cry to myself regularly because I truly don’t know how to make more money and I don’t know how to be a better parent. I’ve considered therapy but I genuinely can’t afford it and I don’t have the time for it, I don’t find any joy in anything and that’s not saying I don’t love my kids and my wife. Everything that defined me as an individual I’ve sacrificed because as much as I know they aren’t a burden I decided to have the “burden” of children and a family. I suffer a lot in silence and everyday I look in the mirror and I can’t recognize who I am. I’m not miserable everyday but I’ve noticed lately that I’m miserable more often than not. I come home from being gone weeks at a time for a short period of time and my body doesn’t want to do anything but sit and rot which is hard to do with a family and in a quick blink I’m back at work. I’ve contemplated suicide more times than I’d like to admit to anyone but I know I’m too scared to do it and I’ll never forgive myself for leaving my kids like that. No friends, no social life, no hobbies, just work, bills and depression. The American dream. I’m not sure why I even felt the need to say this here but I’m pretty tired of venting to ChatGPT, I also don’t think it’s fair to just dump on my wife this way she’s already got enough on her plate.