i’m 19 years old and my boyfriend is 20 we’ve been dating for over two years now and I feel like I don’t know if it’s time to let it go.
outside of the issues that we have with his mother, we have a pretty good relationship. We’ve had a few bumps, but they’ve never been fights or anything like that. For the first year of our relationship I always felt like they just didn’t approve of me or like me when we had dinner to get to know his just kept talking about all the girls that he used to like which felt really disrespectful to me and as time went a few things that really bothered me like when we would hang out at his house one time his text him for me not to go outside of his room because people from church were there and they didn’t want me to be seen (his parents are pastors). hurtful to me, but I didn’t say anything in the moment and also when we would hang out, his parents would always make him do things that they were capable of doing themselves especially because they don’t work. She would also change the topic anytime that I would talk to her, and she would just kind of dismiss me and start talking about her niece. She also made a few comments that he doesn’t do things anymore because of me and that he has a girlfriend now and for one of those comments I was on the phone with him so I don’t think she knew that I could hear.
At some point of our relationship, my boyfriend told me that his cheated and his mom told him, but him to stay and the next day they just pretended like everything was normal and so my boyfriend kind of pulled away from having a relationship with them.
At some point over the summer, we stopped going over to his house because his little brother was just really loud and his parents would always ask for him to do things and it was just easier than having to pick me up and drop me off every time during that summer, my boyfriend and I had a trip but the week before I got and his mom knew yet she never texted me to or see if I was OK, which felt really odd to me. When we got there to our trip, he was mad at him because he didn’t text her that he got there and his dad had to call him. Fast forward to October I went over to his house one time just to hang out after I hadn’t been for a while and I got really weird vibe from his mom when I said hi but I was leaving at that point so nothing came that. Another night in October was the first time that I told my boyfriend something about how I felt when it his parents I wasn’t and I never said anything bad, but I just started the conversation by expressing that I was upset that he was allowed to be out with his friends but whenever he was out with me, he would always get so many calls and text messages if it was even 15 minutes past his curfew with me.
It felt like that was a pattern and it makes me feel like they think that I’m a bad influence on him or something like that. For example, on Mother’s Day after he had went to church, he came over to hang out with me and was a few minutes late because we were talking about something and she sent him this long. Paragraph about how he doesn’t respect her and that he doesn’t care about her or anything like that then he take her out to eat maybe the next week and she post a picture of him on Facebook saying when your son takes you out to eat, but he doesn’t even talk to you. she would always make comments to me about how he doesn’t talk to her that always just made me feel really uncomfortable especially because I knew the situation.
Then in November, she goes to my parents workplace and she says that she was just getting her nails was a lie in reality she went and she said I came to introduce myself because they still haven’t done it yet. During that conversation with my mom, she talked about how much she loved me and that she always text me which is a lie because our is me telling her to have a safe trip or something like that she would never just text me to see how I was doing or check-in throughout that time where I wasn’t going over to her house. She did text me for my birthday that was in August but that was it. My mom got really weird vibes from the situation. She felt like his mom was trying to present herself and something that wasn’t true because my mom has a pretty good relationship with my boyfriend and when she expressed that his mom got really tense.
I told my boyfriend about the situation because it made me feel really uncomfortable that she would show up to my parents workplace and involve them in something like that. Later than in December a little bit before Christmas she sends me a message saying hello how are you? Why haven’t you come over to the house? I got this message when I was at and I immediately felt really weird about It wasn’t a very warming message or a place where it was coming out of concern, it felt like a very demanding message. I don’t respond to it, but I tell my boyfriend about the message and when he gets home from work, they basically keep asking him. Why hasn’t she responded to the message? Why isn’t she coming over and somehow the conversation got switched up into her saying that she felt upset when my mom was talking about the relationship that she has with him and feels upset that he doesn’t have a relationship with her and that he needs to forgive his dad.
My boyfriend and I have had many conversations even saying that if this got to be too much, it could potentially be the end of our relationship because I don’t want to tell him to not have a relationship with his parents, but I also don’t want to feel resentment towards him.
His birthday is in January and he asked me to spend the birthday at his house. He brought it up as a suggestion, and I already felt really anxious about it like I just knew something. What’s going to go wrong. I didn’t want to ruin his birthday and I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable so I agreed to it. When I got his and he was helping me get all of his stuff inside when I walk to I’d say hi and she said nothing then we finally subtle and in the kitchen and I just feel really odd and his mom immediately why haven’t you come over to our house then she said you look strange which in Spanish is “te noto rara” I’ve explained to her that it was just easier for us to go over to my house and that there was no the fact that I haven’t gone over to her house since October and during this my boyfriend is telling her to stop, but isn’t very quiet really feel like he’s truly sticking up for me. She keeps going and saying the same thing and it gets to a point where I feel really uncomfortable and like I could say something really disrespectful so I choose to walk away. My boyfriend and I then go out and he told me that he doesn’t want to come back home. He would rather come to my house and I’d tell him that we can’t necessarily do that because the cake goes back to his house and we wouldn’t have enough time so after we go out, we come back to his house so that I can go pick up my car and he can pick up the cake to go back to my house.
He only lives a few minutes away and it was about 30 minutes until he actually came back home to my house when he does I noticed that he was crying and he basically tells me that his was crying and she kept talking about how they have done so much for and he doesn’t know how much they have sacrificed for him and have struggled in life. I also find out that after I left from the conversation, she went into her room crying, which is strange because I was the one that was hurt along with my boyfriend. that morning he went to a brunch with and he said that they had invited me to go if I wanted to and he was just letting me know. I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable doing that and that I would just come over to his house after he got home later that day he also told me that they were kind of upset that he wasn’t really talking during the brunch.
After all of this my boyfriend and I have had numerous talks about how much I felt her and he felt hurt because it was supposed to be a special day and even just apart from that I’ve expressed been from this entire situation with his parents.
As time went by, I noticed that whenever we would be on a phone call and he would get home from would start to mute me until he got to his bedroom, and I also just noticed that he started talking to his parents more and was starting to have more not the best one but something better than just not talking to them. He has pointed out to me that he knows that the only time we have problems in our relationship is when it has to do with his parents.
I feel like I don’t know what to do in this situation because I have been really hurt by this and he has been hurt so many times by his parents and I’ve always been there for him, but then he chooses to grow a relationship with them after all of that happened. I know that I’m not in the place to tell him to not have a relationship with his parents, but in the way that he has gone about this makes me feel like I’m not a priority to him and I’m just not taking into consideration.
My boyfriend and I are going on a trip this summer and his dad told him that his mom and I need to have a conversation before the trip. When he told me that I had already gotten the feeling that he was getting closer to his parents, and it made me feel really weird because whenever the topic would come up, I would get a feeling that he was annoyed by how many times I would bring up the situation and I would always feel like he was defending them in a way.
I feel like this is something that my boyfriend needs to handle and I always thought that, but I feel like when it comes to his parents he doesn’t see the things that they had done to me when they were happening at the moment because he’s just not aware. But now I feel like he’s not capable of handling things in a way that is going to protect not only me but our relationship.
Someone please help because I really don’t know what to do at this point. We really do have a good relationship when you take out everything that’s happened with his parents.