u/CharacterGold1632

Basically I'm 17 and when I was around 15 2 years ago I used to look at a lot of sexual content online and I used this browser called Duck Duck Go and it had a lot of really gross Young maybe even underage looking results and I used it because my phone is broken it had a lot of those results for my normal searches that I searched up really normal stuff trying to be safe as possible and I was using like the image results so I would zoom in on what I viewed as safe and adults and worry whenever I saw anything by accident and feel like I'm a horrible person for navigating it like that which I still feel like I am sometimes but my biggest worry is that I was using AI back then for reassurance specifically chatgtp, and I recently went through the logs a couple of months back so I'm not sure if I remember it 100% right or not but one of them said something like this "but thw other thing i searched up was wierd too" I think after I talk to the AI about like an image I saw by accident then I said that which I've been really in a really bad place because I'm worried because I have used the word weird before too in the chats to describe the bad results I explained earlier and a lot of times I was texting really fast just trying to get reassurance so I didn't go into details of what I searched up or what I saw by accident so I know I would never search up anything illegal or harmful I'm not into that stuff I've never been it's been my biggest fear for OCD for a while now specifically about what if I engage in harmful content and like but it feels like it's actual proof If I use that word for that and for that it feels like it's actual proof that I have searched up something like that which is something I would never do and I'm just really stressed I almost got hospitalized because of it thankfully I didn't and I would I just feel like if I have searched up something like that even if I didn't enjoy it even if I called it weird and I was grossed out by it I still feel like I'm a horrible person and like I don't deserve to live and I don't know how to handle that feeling I'm trying to find a logical reason why that's not what happened but I can't because I deleted the logs the first time I checked them and now I'm not sure if I even remember it right but I do remember something like that and I'm just really panicking and I'm analyzing it over and over for Clues and I'm also using AI for reassurance again and the AI said like it could be that I labeled something as weird just because it made me anxious and that my brain was looking for what to feel guilty about and that it's not actual proof that I searched up something illegal or bad and I also think if I searched up something bad like that I wouldn't need to compare it to an accidental result and I wouldn't be worried about The Accidental result first and then go on and talk about how the other thing was weird too I it would be my main worry but I don't know it's just something I would never do and I wish I had been more specific when I texted today I back then and I wish I hadn't used vague words and I really don't know what to do I know I just feel like if I did it it's the end of the of the world and I don't deserve to live anymore and I'm really stressed and I don't I can't figure out any logical reason as to why it's safe and not harmful, for example in other logs I said stuff like this " i searched up somethjng wierd but not harmful" ‏ and I'm really worried like because I know on one hand it could be that it was just something that made me worried but on the other hand it could be something that a horrible that I actually searched up and I don't remember what it was I don't remember the event but it feels like there's actual proof and I don't know what to do I don't want to die I really want to live I love life I want to be a good person I want to be kind and nice and good and I've never been attracted to that stuff I know I'm not a pedophile or a predator or anything like that so I have no reason to search that up but it still feels like it's proof that I did even though I was always actively avoiding it I don't know man