I still feel like an embarrassment
i have for the past couple years become the shameful case study of my family somehow.
deep down i know my parents or siblings would never mean it in a harmful way, or to purposefully put me down, but it gets tiring overhearing conversations full of embarrassment (or at the very least, comical disbelief at me lol) over how i am nearly 21 and focused solely on school and no job. i have explained this disorder to my parents although the most crucial parts seem to get lost on them, they see it as just nerves, and i know they likely just dont want to see me suffer or struggle (so ignoring it solves that), it digs me further into that hole of feeling guilt and shame.
i fail to notice my own achievements as the ones around me dont really consider them achievements or something to be proud of, just the bare minimum, since they have to do it everyday (they dont put me down purposefully, just in specific ways that stem from ignorance or concern). i dont know, i feel like they just nod along whenever i mention agoraphobia rather than consider it at all. they (some of them) ask how to help, but when i explain to them my goals, and what best pushes me, it falls on deaf ears.
ive come a long way from not being able to take out the trash to going to get my license, shopping, etc. i have my days still of course, but im doing better. yet i feel so much worse about myself than before, as i age and more expectations come.
ive had this for probably longer than i am aware as my environment was very shut in, especially around ages 15-18, and even then the running joke was i never go outside. but at that time it was more acceptable, now i am the running joke on top of seeming a little held back for my age and a cause for concern for family.
it just sucks, long ramble but no one to really tell this all to, i know at the end of the day i still am the one to push myself forward so im not worried about that, just the fact i have to feel so dreadfully ashamed about myself the entire push