CPTSD and Victim Status
Long post, but not sure how to make it shorter and comprehensible. I am in the middle of an assignment from my therapist that has been really helpful but also uncomfortable, and I’m curious to see if other folks have had this experience. I’ve been doing the recovery work for a while now, and one of the hardest things to move through has been victimhood status.
When I started I couldn’t recognize when someone *else* was at fault. I was raised to fawn/people-please and fix everything, and my alternative was freezing or dissociating. So, I was a victim of my own failure, everything was my fault, and I desperately wanted to fix that. I went to therapy to stop being such a bad person so my abusers would like me better. (Oof!)
Then the penny finally dropped that I wasn’t the problem and worse, that the game was rigged. I could never get it right because there was no right answer. My abusers were just looking for an excuse to lash out, so there could never be a Goldilocks “just right” moment. The realization was crushing, but also really freeing. So much about my abusers in childhood and some in adulthood suddenly made sense.
The problem was that I was still struggling with the “that was then, this is now” problem. We all know about the heightened anxiety aspect of this problem— the “danger” alarm goes off when there’s no danger, or it just remains on, or both. It’s a giant PITA, but it can be dealt with once you know what’s going on. The part that is more difficult (and I think sneakier) is the “stuck” mindset that goes with the anxiety and drives it.
Once I realized I wasn’t the problem and that this was abuse, my mindset changed, but not in a useful way. I dumped the shame and blame, but kept the victim mentality and helplessness. This led me into situations where I was convinced that I just couldn’t function and that it wasn’t my fault and I was just helpless and a victim and I had no agency and no responsibility. But “I’m helpless and nothing is my fault” is just the flip side of “I’m responsible for everything and it’s all my fault”. Both equally wrong, just in different directions.
I recognized enough of what was going on, and didn’t like it, and ended up being pretty annoyed with myself. I had a difficult, but helpful conversation with the therapist. Her perspective was that the victimhood part of recovery is really important, but if you start building a house in that neighborhood it won’t end well.
She said that the somatic crap we deal with hides other issues in thinking and in core beliefs that can keep us stuck. The key is separating then and now in our beliefs and values as well as with the fear.
Recognizing what was happening then—when abuse was happening—and getting the facts and responsibility straight is really important. But continuing to believe that we are stuck and powerless (and therefore blameless) will not serve us either.
The assignment she gave was to track how many times I caught myself justifying, rationalizing, or making excuses, and how many times I decided that I was “stuck” or a victim, and what the circumstances were. I got nervous because I didn’t want to go back to blame and shame, and she said the whole point is that choices that turn out badly and mistakes don’t have to be met with blame and shame, but if we don’t acknowledge them at all we end up trapping ourselves. The goal is to treat yourself like a functional adult, and to recognize and move on from both the abusive adult and the cringing child. It’s a work in progress, but it’s so nice to just think “whoops, I messed that up” or “that didn’t go well” rather than blame and shame or endless rationalization and permanent victimhood.
I’m also seeing it more in other people. Way too many people who I know who have trauma backgrounds are semi-stuck in these triggers that they don’t see as triggers. They don’t have the other behaviors that would move them into personality disorder territory, but they cannot accept responsibility for anything and they just wallow in misery. I totally get being triggered and really not seeing the exit door right in front of you, but this is more than that. They actively resist any attempt to point out the door while continuing to complain.
I’m wondering if other people who have been at this for a while have experienced this themselves or have seen it in others, and what their thoughts are. How long did this last, and what did you do to move through it?