I did fairly well throughout high school, but in my senior year, after I got an acceptance to a T30 university, I just gave up trying. I think it was a combination of burnout, classic case of senioritis, but even though I got an A+ in psych (not a US curriculum), I got a C in bio and a D in chem. I somehow still got admitted to the uni without any warning or email about my grades (I did email them with an explanation for my grades dropping), but still.
The college is not cheap, and my dad had to sell his stocks to pay for my tuition, and I've been feeling guilty about it because I know my efforts are not repaying what my dad is doing for my education. I feel awful since I'm basically lying to my parents about my efforts. My grades weren't terrible; I was initially averaging Bs (range of B+, B, B- ), but I've made so many mistakes that I wish I could take them back.
In my first semester, I panicked and withdrew from Bio 1 (which was completely unnecessary). In my spring semester, I tanked my calculus class and got a D, which completely tanked my GPA. I don't know why I didn't drop the class since I had already done so before. So I had to retake the class again since it's a pre-req for physics. Sophomore year, I got a C- in orgo 1 and a C in my cognitions class. I'll be a junior next semester, and I desperately need to do better to recover my grades. I basically already had to retake 3 classes in my first two years of school. I'm scared my grades and GPA will continue to drop.
I'm embarrassed to even tell people I'm a pre-med student with my current GPA (it's a 2.89), and every time my dad asks me about my life in uni, I just flat out lie and say it's fine because I don't want to break his heart, I'm so lucky to have parents who can and want to contribute to my college funds and I hate myself for taking advantage of that and not putting in the work. I just kept procrastinating even though I know I shouldn't and cannot afford to, given my position. I desperately want to break out of this cycle of self-destruction and change my mindset. I know I'm better than this, and can do better, for the sake of myself and my future, but I don't know where to start. Sometimes I feel like I'm not in control, and I'm just spectating my life in a third person, especially when making not-so-smart academic choices.