Why do I even bother?
Everyday I struggle doing my work. Today, again, I couldn't get it done, so I am working overnight to somehow balance it out because I'm too afraid to lose my job. Can't sleep properly anyway because I got sleep paralysis or nightmares every night so I am exhausted when I wake up.
Started asking myself why I keep moving on. For what? I don't enjoy anything in my life because my brain doesn't know how serotonin works. And every time I find a way to have some fun at least (e.g. meeting with friends), the next day I am more depressed and suicidal than after a bad day. Like my brain punishes me that I dared enjoying something.
I don't know how much longer I can take this. And I am starting to doubt that there is anything I can do to improve my wellbeing. And I know that I don't have the strength to carry on like that for much longer. In the end I expect that I will lose my job, my self-esteem, my ability to care for others. Then my friends. My family.
I will lose everything I have because I can't help myself. So why bother? Why not just end it and be done with my life instead of stretching it out for no reason but believing the lie that there is a way of becoming happy that I just not see? My brain doesn't work like this. There is no repair.