Title: 18M / 19M My boyfriend emotionally shuts down and says he has been “masking” for years. How can I support him without losing myself?
My boyfriend has become really emotionally distant over time and I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. He says he feels like he has been “masking” for years because of past pain and emotional abuse from previous relationships. He explained it like he built a protective version of himself that automatically shuts down emotions so he doesn’t break again.
The problem is that he says he wants help and wants things to get better, but at the same time he also says he can’t really control it anymore because it became normal for him. Sometimes he seems warm and caring, other times he suddenly becomes cold, distant or emotionally numb. He says it’s not because he hates me, but because his brain goes into protection mode.
I love him a lot and I’m trying to be patient and supportive, but I’m honestly starting to break mentally too. I have attachment anxiety from a previous relationship and because of that I overthink everything constantly. When he becomes distant I immediately panic and think he stopped loving me even if that might not actually be true.
I’ve recently started trying to calm myself down more and stop analyzing every little thing, but it’s still really hard. I want to help him without pressuring him or becoming responsible for “fixing” him completely.
Has anyone here ever experienced something similar either personally or with a partner? And if yes, what actually helped? Especially when someone emotionally shuts down because of trauma or self protection.