I try my best
I’ve been trying my very best in life to make me and my family proud.
One of the reasons being is that there isn’t much of my family that remains. So I try my best to make up for it.
I graduated High school and College when I thought I would never. But I did! I got my degree for a career I never got to begin. Nor did I want.
Pharmacy technician career went down the drain so now I’m a Residential Manager.
I managed to get a honest living, but never anything as good as my siblings who earn more then I do. A lot more than I do.
It sucks seeing your little brother already have his own home, your older sister have hers too, while I’m still holding onto hope and saving for my own. I feel so inferior.
It also doesn’t help that my parents still always bring up why I don’t have mine or when they insist on helping me buy a home that they want to live in?
Putting it short, I’m the black sheep. Always have been. My parents say they love me. I chose to believe that… However I know it’s not the real truth.
For the first 19 years of my life, they were only around. They fed me, gave me birthdays, holidays, clothed me and took care of me but never really made me feel loved. I never got to go places I wanted to, they didn’t really care about my pursuits in music, art, boxing and wrestling. They appeared for my things but never stayed long.
Am I selfish for feeling different than they do?
It’s all because of a fear they had that I would kill myself. Mental illness, it runs in my father’s side and has taken a few of his already dwindling family.
Everything I do is measured, especially with my older brother now gone. With me and him resembling another. They worry for me more now. For my mom, it’s like looking at her dead son whenever she sees me and it sucks knowing that. They keep saying I look exactly like him. They don’t see me as who I really am now.
This Mother’s Day however…. Man I felt it first hand
I had little to no money.
So I brought out the ol’ pen and paper to show my art skills and give my mom a personal heartfelt mother’s day card.
I was so busy that morning too with my girlfriend too, she has a mother too so we went to hers first and spent time there.
I had little time but I got it done.
I made my Mom a personal Mother’s day card (I’m never doing that again)
I remember her telling about her childhood and her favorite childhood interests and passions.
I drew her favorite superhero, and on the back me thanking for being my mother
I had little time to make it really stand out but man I did it.
She didn’t like it
I can tell from the moment I handed it to her
A fake smile… She was also crying that day remembering my older brother
I went home after a while there. Then not too long after. A text. She thought I had this drawing just lying around and that it would be better that If I couldn’t afford anything that it would be better to not have brought her anything instead.
TLDR : Just ranting about how my family makes me feel invisible and how my mom loves my dead older brother and siblings more then she’ll ever love me.
That no gift no matter how personal it is will ever be good enough.
Thank you for reading.