Just some backstory on our situation he hit me up on Instagram in January when he was still 22, and I was 18 at this time. I recently got out of a relationship a few weeks prior in early January, and I wasn’t looking for anything serious but we started talking more and more. I agree to go out with him after about two weeks of talking and he ends up taking me out on a date and we go to his place and I lose my v with him.
This is when it all starts to spiral in my mind. At this point I don’t know if I was in love with him or if I was just sexually attached. He was my first and he’s the only person I wanted to be with after that point. I never so strongly about a person like I did for him.
We saw each other a few times after that throughout February, not many times though because he was so inconsistent with me. He worked long hours and I won’t excuse the for the little to no text he gave me most days. It took time for me to get used to his absence. I’ve gotten used to guys not replying for long periods of time, but with him it was different because I wanted him to reply so badly. Every notification I wanted it to be him, and I picked up my phone anyways knowing that he didn’t text me but I was so delusional that I wanted it to be him anyway. I cried every time I felt neglected or ignored but that’s what happens when you think you’re in love and when you gave your entire self to someone and them being the only person you did that for.
Eventually I stopped texting him altogether. After a few days without me speaking to him, he ended up texting me in early March, saying that he wanted to talk. I felt like I knew it was coming, he was going to say he was done, but he ended up saying that we weren’t going to be together and that he didn’t want anything serious, but that he did enjoy talking to me and he didn’t wanna lose the connection that we had. I was confused by this and then when I asked why everything was so sudden about this, he told me that he was an illegal immigrant and that he didn’t want me to worry about him getting deported back home. He said eventually we can grow into that serious relationship, when he didn’t have to worry so much about making a living in the United States and how much power immigration holds in the country right now, but until then he wanted to be friends with benefits.
I agreed.
In that agreement me only saw each other once. We went a few weeks without talking to each other. We made the agreement in early March and later in that month on the 30th he asked to come pick me up and I said yes. Everything‘s going well we go to his place, and TMI, but things start to get intimate and in the middle of that he says he loves me.
I was shocked thinking that he was only saying it in the moment but then I thought maybe he was being genuine, that he meant it. And this moment in time in late March I became dull to my feelings for him; I didn’t feel as strongly as I did in February where I thought I was in love with him, and maybe I was. With the lack of inconsistency and communication and his lack of interest in me as it seemed, I thought it was impossible that he loved me because he barely talked to me, he barely put effort into what we had. We saw each other on his terms and when he wanted to be intimate. That’s always how it was looking back.
But I said I loved him too. Because I did.
When I left him that next morning I didn’t know that would be the last time I spoke to him for almost a month. We never talked about the fact that he said he loved me, we still haven’t. I knew when I said it I meant it, but did he? I still ponder that.
Anyway now we’re to the present. He texted me two nights ago for the first time since late March, when he said he loved me. He hit me up to ask if I could help him get his legal papers and I said yes thinking that he just went with the legal stuff as in finding him a good lawyer or something.
But then he asked if I would consider marrying him in the near future. This made me question a lot of things. With everything I said it maybe paints him in a bad light, but being in a relationship while also being an illegal immigrant makes things hard, so I can give him grace on that. Not wanting to fall in love for us to maybe get torn apart. Everytime we were together I knew he enjoyed being with me, the connection we have in person is when I feel the love I have for him, it’s like it returns to me in a giant wave. But then when we go back to being an hour apart it’s like he doesn’t exist because he just doesn’t text me at all.
I don’t know if he’s being genuine, I don’t know what answer to give him. Is he using me just to get his legal papers? Is it real? I don’t know what to do.