Lost, But Still Fighting Because Someone in Heaven Believed I’d Win
I genuinely don’t understand life anymore.
The past 6 months have felt unreal.
One moment, you’re grieving the person you thought you were going to spend your life with. The betrayal, the future you imagined, the version of yourself that loved fully despite everything.
Then the next moment, life hits you even harder.
I lost my father last February.
And damn… that broke something in me.
He wasn’t just my dad. He was my best friend. He understood so much about what I do, especially the flying stuff. Sometimes I still open our chats because I want to tell him something, ask him something, share a small achievement or thought and then it suddenly hits me all over again that he’s gone.
That realization never comes softly.
I think that’s what’s messing me up the most lately. I was already trying to move on from losing someone I thought I’d build a future with, and now I’m mourning someone who was supposed to see that future happen.
My dad was supposed to see me make it.
See me get married someday.
Meet my kids.
Grow old.
And now he’s just… gone.
Then last month, my uncle.. my dad’s brother.. passed away too.
So honestly? I don’t even know anymore.
And to make things harder, I’m also in this weird “in-between” phase of life.
Like.. I know I should be thankful. I have a job. I’m an instructor. I’m still pursuing the career I worked hard for. I know a lot of people would be grateful to even be where I am.
But at the same time, I look around and see my batchmates, even some juniors, already making it to bigger opportunities. Some are moving abroad, progressing faster in their careers, getting married, building families, moving forward with life while I feel… stuck.
Not even jealous, honestly. More like left behind.
And I hate thinking that way because I know life isn’t a race. I know everyone moves at different speeds. But when everything else in your life already feels unstable, it’s hard not to look around and wonder what happened to mine?
I feel like I’ve completely lost my sense of direction. Like an aimless arrow that was fired without a target. I’m moving, but I don’t know where I’m supposed to land.
And the hardest part is I don’t even fully get to fall apart, because I know my mom and younger brother lean on me emotionally. I know they look to me to stay strong, to stay composed, to keep moving forward. So most of the time, I just carry it quietly.
But inside, I feel like I’m drowning.
Like you’re trying to swim and make sense of your life, but the waves keep dragging you deeper into places you don’t recognize anymore. You don’t even know what direction you’re going. You’re just trying not to sink.
There’s also this constant feeling in my chest and stomach lately. The only way I can describe it is that split-second feeling right before a rollercoaster drops.
Except mine never goes away.
Maybe it’s anxiety. Maybe it’s my body stuck in fight-or-flight mode after everything that’s happened lately. It feels like I’m constantly bracing myself for the next bad thing to happen because life just keeps proving that it can.
I’m tired.
Not in a suicidal way. Not in a “give up on life” way.
Just deeply, deeply exhausted.
I really just needed to let this out somewhere.