r/OffMyChestPH

hindi ko siya madalas makita in person so masaya lang ako kanina na magkasama kami sa online meeting! narinig ko boses niya ulit after days hahahaha at after ng meeting naging background noise ko yung meeting replay bc andami niyang sinasabi sa meeting!!!!! 😀 ayon, sobrang limited ng interactions namin pero ganon talaga pag may crush ano? it's always the smallest things!!!! makita mo lang name nila sa gc parang masaya ka na, lalo pa sa cases na hindi talaga kayo naguusap 🤩 feel ko tuloy nasa hs ako ulet heheh

I met my ex during the pandemic through Facebook Dating.

Funny how I’ve posted about him here through different stages of my life from the time I thought I was finally okay and sent him a closure message, to reconnecting, and getting back together, and now… this.

I almost didn’t make an account. I was already tired of dating apps at that point because everything felt repetitive and temporary. One day I saw my friend swiping on an unfamiliar app and asked what it was. FB Dating pala. I made an account out of boredom and matched with this guy the same day.

At first, he was honestly boring to talk to. I even told myself, “Di naman tatagal to hanggang bukas.” But then we started talking about dogs. They had a new puppy, same breed as mine. He asked me what name would fit the dog, and because FB Dating couldn’t send photos back then, he added me on Facebook.

That’s where everything started.

We talked every single day. It escalated fast. After only a week, naging kami na. Looking back, sobrang impulsive and go-with-the-flow ko noon. I didn’t even expect it to last.

But somehow, we lasted 2 years.

The weird part? He was my first boyfriend after being single for 5 years, and we barely even saw each other because lockdown happened literally weeks after we met.

Even when restrictions became lighter, we still rarely met. There was always a reason. Senior daw yung nanay niya. Takot magka-COVID. Mahirap bumiyahe. Maraming excuses. I understood all of them because I loved him.

He was still studying when we met. Broke. Delayed graduation. But I still imagined a future with him anyway.

I remember telling myself:
“If nothing changes after 2 years, ayoko na.”

And eventually, nothing really changed.

I slowly fell out of love without realizing it. I wasn’t happy anymore. My needs weren’t being met. We barely saw each other, there was little effort, and I started feeling emotionally alone in the relationship.

I was already planning to break up with him after his birthday trip with his mom because I didn’t want to ruin his celebration.

But when he came back from the trip, he excitedly told me he wanted to bring his friends there next time. I got irritated and asked him, “Saan ka kukuha ng pera?” I think that moment triggered something in him emotionally. Ang sama ko for saying that to him. I know, I’m just mad na he couldn’t make plans with me.

After that, everything spiraled.

He became emotionally unavailable. Blank. Silent. Drained. I tried to stay because I thought love meant staying even during someone’s lowest point. Maybe love. Maybe guilt. Maybe both.

I kept telling myself:
“I’ll stay hanggang maging okay siya.”
“Ako muna magpapakatatag for us.”

He kept pushing me away because he said he didn’t want to hurt me anymore. We both cried. I begged him not to leave. Every day I messaged him even without replies. Kasi I want him to feel na di sya nag iisa. Every night I cried. Affected na din mental health ko.

Until one day, he finally message and ended things.

After that, complete silence.
Unfriended.
No contact.
As if we never existed in each other’s lives.

That breakup changed me more than I realized.

I went into full distraction mode after. Hooked up with someone from Bumble immediately just to feel something. Then came the hoe phase. Flirting. Different guys. Situationships. Validation. Distractions.

At first I thought I had moved on because I wasn’t crying anymore. But eventually I realized I was just surviving.

It took me years to actually process everything.

And honestly, I’m thankful for that phase too because I learned so much about myself. I learned my standards. I learned what kind of love I actually want. I learned that I can walk away now when a guy has no direction, no effort, no consistency.

Then after 3 years of no contact, life did something funny.

I opened CODM again, the game we used to play together.

Apparently he had been sending me gifts every single day there. I accepted one and he messaged me immediately. We started talking again.

I found out he had finally graduated. They had a business now. He had a motorcycle already. He started becoming the version of himself he used to dream about when we were still together.

Masaya ako for him, and akala ko closure lang tong usapan namin.

We got back together months later, but this time I was different. I became very upfront about what I wanted:
growth,
direction,
stability,
future planning.

I told him I didn’t want to waste time anymore.

At first, things felt better. We saw each other every Sunday. He paid for dates. He was more physically present this time.

But eventually, I noticed the same pattern again.

I kept encouraging him about his plans abroad, but I couldn’t feel any urgency from him. I suggested finding better work while waiting. I wanted us to prepare for the future together.

But one day, when I opened up about being worried for our future, he told me:
“Ayaw ko muna isipin yung future.”

And I think that’s when something inside me quietly broke.

Because that’s when I realized:
we were still not aligned.

I want stability.
I want someone mature.
Someone proactive.
Someone who can build a future with me instead of avoiding hard conversations.
Someone my family can respect.

He knew my mom didn’t like him, but instead of facing them properly and proving himself through actions, he avoided them completely and asked me to lie whenever we went on dates.

That said everything to me.

I kept telling myself,
“I’ll stay for 3 months. If nothing changes, I’ll leave.”

But I stayed longer than that.

Deep inside, I already knew I didn’t love him the same way anymore. I think I just couldn’t leave because I was tired of explaining the same things over and over again. Maybe part of me was also scared of what would happen after. Scared of what I would feel once it was really over.

But every day felt the same.

Paulit-ulit na lang yung feeling na hindi ako masaya.

I realized, bakit ko pa pinapatagal when I already knew we wouldn’t work long-term? He said before that he could step up, that he had plans for our future, but nothing was really happening. We’re already in our 30s and I don’t want to waste more time hoping someone will become ready eventually.

One day, something in me just snapped.

I became cold, and this time he didn’t really care anymore either. Maybe we were both exhausted already.

He still said “I love you” every day. He still said “I miss you.” But it stopped feeling real to me. Parang routine na lang siya. Something you say because it became part of the relationship, not because you genuinely feel it.

Our relationship started feeling robotic.
Daily updates.
Same conversations.
Same disappointments.
Same silence.

And I realized I couldn’t say “I love you” back anymore because I genuinely didn’t feel it.

I told him how I felt.

No response.

He even said “I love you” that morning.

The next day, I ended things.

Still no response.
No apology.
No acknowledgment.
Nothing.

At first I was angry.

But honestly? I was also relieved.

I finally had the courage to leave.

I saved myself from a relationship that kept draining me, and maybe I saved him from me too. Because the truth is, I become toxic too when my emotional needs stay unmet for too long and nothing changes no matter how much I communicate.

In the end, we both exhausted each other.

And the weirdest part?

I thought I would completely fall apart when it finally ended. Hindi na katulad dati na iniyak ko ng ilang buwan.
But surprisingly… I was okay.

Like genuinely okay. Kahit isipin ko sya, wala akong maramdaman na pain, kahit hanapin ko yung sakit, wala talaga akong pain na mafeel kung hindi relief. Gumaan pakiramdam ko na wala na kami.

Then I realized:
for me, the relationship had already ended emotionally months ago.

This was just the official goodbye.

I guess some people really do come back into your life not for forever, but to teach you the lesson you missed the first time

Papa was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma in situ, tamang treatment lang sya pero nakikita ko how agonizing it is to him. Months of sleepless night, whining, pababalik sa hospital at iba't ibang doctors for his check up and follow ups lahat yon tinitiis ko. Kahit may sakit ako o walang tulog kelangan ko gawin, pati natitira kong freedom na kung dati nakaka tambay pa ako sa favorite kong coffee shop ngayon hindi ko na magawa.. Matutulog ako ng 5 in the morning, gigising ako ng 7 am to prepare my papa's breakfast and medications, may guilt tripping pa kapag nag nap ako ng 1-2 hours laging maririnig ko "buti ka pa nakakatulog" na parang kasalanan kong napapagod rin ako.

Last Saturday naaksidente ako. Nabagsakan paa ko noong nagpapalit ako ng bagong aircon na binili ko para kay papa, yung edge ng ac tumama sa hinlalaki ko. Hindi k agad napa check up at inignore ung injury until kahapon nagising ako na may lumabas na laman at pus, na infect na at nahirapan ako maglakad 🤧 kanina nakiusap na lang ako ky papa na sasaglit ako sa doctor kasi lumalala itsura ng injury mabuti na resetahan ako ng antibiotics but hopefully wag nmn umabot sa surgery kasi hndi nagustuhan ni doc itsura ng injury ko

Khit na ganito lagay ko ngaun ako pa rin lahat, na realize ko na walang exemption khit ano pa mangyari sakin.. Nag aalala rin naman si papa pero hndi ko sya pwede pabayaan, naaawa rin ako sa knya pero na realize ko na sana may kahati man lang ako sa problema.. Sana may kahati ako sa pag aalaga sa knya,.

Wala ako aasahan sa ate ko, since maging citizen sya sa ibang bansa hindi sya nakaka isip umuwi maliban nlng noong naka burol na mama nmin. Hndi rin naman sya nagpapadala kasi nasanay kami hndi humihingi ng pera s knya at hnahayaan lng namin magkusa. Nasa spain sya ngayon nagbabakasyon with her boyfriend, alm ko nag eenjoy sya kaya ayawko sirain moment na yon at ayoko isipin nya na puro problema nlang binabanggit ko sa kanya.

We only afford on call caregiver, 70k combined income namin ng papa ko(pension nya + sweldo ko from my wfh job) pero ngaun na sobrang tipid nmin dahil mahal gamutan at mag papa laboratory na naman dahil nagmamanas paa nya kelangan ko ulit i sacrifice rest ko kasi ung ibabayad sa oncall cg idadagdag nalng sa mga tests

Nakaka pagod na, umiiyak nlng ako sa sobrang stress at napapatanong kung ano nagawa namin to deserve this.. Humihiling na sana may karamay ako sa laban n 'to

I know childish ako to be hurt about something so trivial but it doesn't remove the pain still.

So lagi kasi akong nagdedeactivate ng socmeds. I do that when I feel like the world is crashing down on me that no amount of doom scrolling can ease. Or when I just don't want to be perceived. Nag reactivate lang ako to check up on my other friend, tapos unang unang post na nakita ko ay yung dump ng outing pictures ng current college circle ko—na I never heard about nor was made aware of... Super silly but nasaktan ako nung nakita ko sila-sila and some other friends na magkakasama. Ni minsan kasi wala silang nabanggit sakin na may ganung outing pala. Ewan ko ba bakit ako nahhurt nang ganto pero grabe hehehe. Like, to be fair, alanganin din naman ako and unsure kung makakasama but it still hurts na hindi nyo man lang ako naisip ayain...

I know naman na hanggang academic friend lang ang turing nyo sa'kin, and it is my fault to think na you guys think of me as one of you. That I belong. Ansakit kasi here I was thinking na same ang view nyo sa kin, na ang turing din sakin ay friend outside of college. I was hoping that you guys will be different pero I misplaced my expectations again...

Ewan ko ba bakit ang isip-bata ko. Pero God, I feel so lonely.... Lahat ng mga collegemates ko, they have a life wherein magkakasama sila, like truly friends sila. And here I am, always feeling out of place. Gusto ko lang naman ng friends na makakasama ko, yung may halaga pa rin ako outside school. Yung friends na I truly feel na friend din ako in return. Pero eh. I don't know. I wish I was the kind of person na kayang mag-isa, na wala lang kung alone sya, but I never can't gaf...

I wished this nung nakumpleto ko simbang gabi na sana biyayaan ako ng boyfriend na matalino, marespeto, mapagmahal, maaasahan at mamahalin ang parents ko. I entered dating again last january, akala ko end game ko na siya. ang sakit lang na pinakilala ko na siya sa family ko, pero di rin pala kami magtatagal. siya na nag initiate na makipagbreak kasi di niya ko nakikita as a future wife. sakit noh? kahit anong efforts ko nauuwi rin sa wala.

nakikita ko na sarili ko na bumalik sa bisyo, sakit eh. di ako makapagtrabaho nang maayos kasi during working hours siya nagchat sakin about it, di ako makatingin ng deretso sa mga magulang ko kasi nililihim ko yung break up and maga mata ko. nag aalala yung workmates ko kasi they saw me crying. akala ko he likes me but he felt off sa akin. all those sweet chats is peke lang pala. eto nanaman tayo, another liar nanaman ang ineentertain natin.

di ko alam, gigising ako bukas na may kulang sa akin. another "eto nanaman tayo, broken hearted si accla". baka karma ko na rin to. deserve ko naman and tatanggapin ko nalang na walang magmamahal sakin ng ganito.

tara inom tayo.

Nasa my mall kami ng anak kong panganay to meet a coparent from my son school kasi she wants to order food package from me dahil binida ng anak niya ung masarap na mga foods na tinda ng anak ko sa school na luto ko.

So nakaupo kami sa my upuan na parang pahingahan across ng isang kainan and I saw this familiar face! Nag flashback sakin ung 16 years ago.

Ung time na sinabi niya na di niya daw anak ang pinag dadala ko kasi baog siya at sinabi din ng mother niya at hinamon ako ng DNA test so I said yes. Yung time na nag sama kami at nag tiis ako ng 7months kasi I was hoping he care for our baby hanggang mag bleed ako at umuwi na lang samin 8months pregnant ako at I am so glad na tinangap ako ng tatay ko. Yung time na humingi ako ng tulong my son was 5 months old para madala sa maayos na hospital ang anak namin pero sabi niya wala siyang pera at never siyang tutulong. Yung time na umiiyak ako sa cr ng trinatrabhuhan kong factory kasi namamaga dede ko dahil subrang tigas kasi tinigil ko ang breastfeeding para maka work my son was 6 months old that time. Yung hirap ko that time nag flashback lahat and I was sitting beside my son na subrang identical ng itsura nila. He is eating with his family 3kids and wife and I know na his son is younger than my son ng 1year. His kids seems have it all. Out of nowhere tumolo ang luha ko yung flashback ko from 16 years ago it like a pin to my chest naka tingin anak ko sakin shaking my shoulder kasi nandun na ung kaybigan niya and subrang tulala ako nun tas anak ko tumayo at niyakap ako kasi nakita niya ung emotion ko that time at dun ako nataohan nag sorry ako sabay tayo at sabi ko sumakit bigla ulo ko.

But while talking and discussing about food I have this question on my head! Bakit ok ang buhay niya bkit di siya kinakarma bakit ako na walang ginawang masama e parang salo ko na lahat ng problema! Pero I just keep in my mind na I need to fucos kasi I need to get that order kasi pang bili ko ng gamit sa school ung pera na kikitain ko dun though it hurt talaga!

After nun sbi tatawag na lang follow up. Pero the whole time ang nararamdaman ko lang is pain inside my heart.

Tas biglang sabi ng anak ko na ma kamuka ko pala papa ko no? Siya yun diba ung nasa restaurant kanina.(last year nag ask siya name ng papa niya so I gave it to him at pinakita picture Kaya he knows what his father look likes at siguro na stalk niya)Kaya ayuko umupo dun kasi nakita ko sila nakita ko sa fb niya na anak niya mga kasama niya. Ma wag kanang malungkot magiging ok din lahat. My son is 16 years old and I can say na matured na talaga siya at his age. Sabi ko na lang sakanya natulala ako kasi I am happy for him.Pero in my mind tang in\* niya! Yun lang ang na fefeel ko.

Nasa utak ko now:

Anak di malungkot si mama on what I see. I just felt unfair kasi you don't deserve it. Seeing him look happy and forgetting his responsibility making me want to scream at his face. Knowing his doing his best para mapaaral niya mga anak niya!

Dang I felt petty for thinking all of this subrang hirap talaga pag rock bottom naka move-on na bigla ganto hahaha

I just attended the worst concert of my life. And wasted 16,500php. I bought 2 vip regular tickets for me and my partner.

I’m so happy I finally got to see and hear Daniel Caesar live, but bro really left us hanging out of nowhere. Yung akala mong may next song pa pero wala na lumayas na siya. Everyone was so shocked because he left na agad and lights turned on na he didn’t even perform Superpowers, Always, Root of All Evil, Baby Blue, or Sign of the Times. Everyone left the arena super disappointed. You could literally hear people sounding sad and complaining on the way out. First time ko makapunta ng concert na after con ang lulungkot ng mga taong lumalabas sa arena.

Day 1 in Manila ended at 10:20 PM he played 19 songs, but today, Day 2 ended at 9:36 PM with 14 songs lang partida he was late for 10 mins. What the fuckkk. I felt like my salary went to waste 😭

I super love Daniel Caesar, he’s literally my comfort artist. My biggest fear was that he’d make the fans sing again because that’s what he did most of the time during his other concerts at ayun ginawa padin niya talaga ngayon yung fans pinapakanta nya and choir niya and he left the stage during best part (unprofessional), then he spent so much time on one song just making the choir repeat parts over and over. Most of time he looks so bored performing, drinking liquor on the stage and puro acoustic nalang half of the con, naka hotel slippers pa siya parang trip trip lang yung concert nya eh. Sobrang underwhelming ng Day 2 concert niya. Sana sa spotify nalang pala kami nakinig? Kawawa naman yung mga nagleather jacket and boots jusko tinapos naman ng maaga! Haha.

I just wanna get this off my chest because we went home confused, sad and disappointed. Never going to a Daniel Caesar concert again.

Dated someone for a few weeks who used social media to frame everything. Basically a nepo. The pattern wore me down. She’d post “not okay” at 1AM, I’d drive over, bring food, sit and listen for hours, reassure her. She’d feel better, post a selfie thanking her “support system” but I’d be cropped out. Then it would repeat a week later when she needed content again.

I don’t mind spending money or showing up. What I mind is feeling like I’m performing for a story. I cooked from scratch when she was down and was told it “wasn’t aesthetic enough for stories.” I planned a date at a normal cafe and she broke down because it wasn’t enough.

The line that got to me was “it’s not about the money, it’s the thought.” But the thought was I was tired of spending 8k every weekend just so she could feel sad in a nice place.

I started feeling like I wasn’t a potential partner, I was a therapist with a credit card. Like I was cast in someone else’s sad movie where I fund the scenes but never get to be in them. I’m done with that dynamic.

Idk, baka may mga interested magbasa neto and might get offended and see me stupid or what not but hey, this is just me lang on how i cope. Tsaka problema ko naman 'to

Lately I've been wanting to try FUBU kasi ang boring at stressful ng life ko lately, not to mention, I just got my doc diagnose me with severe depression and my ass was just there sitting and was like "BRO I HAD SEVERE DEPRESSION??". Working student athlete ako (which is fucking time consuming) kasi somehow eh, i have to find a way to support myself financially kahit kaunti lang, lalo na yung scholarship na galing sa pagiging athlete ko.

You might ask.. ano bang pinagkakastressan mo?:

• Dad cheating on mom

• Dad not supporting my college

• Sister physically abusing my mom

• Mom ranting on her problems (I'm tired listening to her)

• Family surrounded with loan sharks (million php na utang)

• Work (fastfood)

• Failing grades

• etc.

Pero here's the thing, time passed by at bumait ate at papa ko sa mama ko. Nakakasama ko na nang maayos ate ko. Yung papa ko unti unti nang sumusuporta. Yung mama ko nakakaginhawa na sa mga problems. Yung grades ko medyo bumabalik na... But it left a deep gaping hell of a freaking scar saakin sa mga panahong nasugatan ako sa mga sigawan, pagaawat ko sakanila, away, at financial threats noong hindi pa ok pamilya ko. Idk pero parang natanggal yung ability ko makipagconnect nang malalim sa mga tao LMAOOO lalo na pag babae (seryoso, putang ina. Shit changes when you have to confront a woman you cared for for years, only to see her beating the shit out of your mother at mumurahin ka after you get back home from college). Halos araw araw, yung isip ko lumulutang. The typical negative mindset at subconscious habit na iniiwasan ang mga kaibigan nang di naman sinasadya. I lost a little bit of confidence i had in meeting and getting to know people because of the amount of time i spent being alone with my own thoughts.

I still have close friends i can talk with ofc. Pero ewan ko kung yung potang inang libog ko lang to or what shit pero a part of myself feels na gustong makipagconnect at develop ng deep relationship with others ulit pero.. with sex? Casual sex?? Tf? It feels wrong kasi hindi ako yung tipong tao na gustong pumunta sa sitwasyon na fubu kasi baka maging manhid, disrespectful, and what not ako sa future partner ko (i-include mo yung risk ng HIV, AIDS, pregnancy, etc.). But then, it's the only method I know that could instantly make connections happen (or sadyang libog lang ng utak ko ito). I sound fucking stupid tsaka ayaw kong i-materialize mga babae. Maybe all I needed was someone to hear me out and help me gain that confidence again, hindi yung casual sex. Maybe I've been feeling lonely for so long to the point I'm starting to get uncomfortable with this loneliness i feel kaya my brain's telling me to go out there and touch some grass.

Haha. Vent lang malala.

Naka-GLP-1 na ako pero ang lala pa rin ng food noise ko. I have the option to increase my dosage naman pero as per my doctor, huwag ko raw itaas hanggang sa kaya ko tiisin. Panget daw kasi yung itataas ko agad dahil possible na mawala agad yung talab dahil masyado na akong umasa sa meds.

This Tuesday, ang lala ng stress eating ko. I gained 1kg (water weight lang naman) dahil ma-sodium kinain ko (ramen at canned corned beef).

Kahapon, puro ako inom ng tubig to flush out the water weight. Kaso sobrang busy ko, bigla akong nag-McDo for fast meal. E di sodium na naman. Pasok pa rin naman sa macro ko pero yung sodium kase.

So ngayon, magwa-water fast ako muna. 24hrs, so makakakain ako mamayang 3pm, but I’m considering making it 36 hrs na.

Tapos bigla kong naalala, may Staycation nga pala kami bukas and plan namin mag-dinner sa Vikings.

Di naman talaga ako super takaw. Pero stress eater kase ako, at iyon ang sumasabotahe sa progress ko. Tapos comfort food ko, maaalat at matataba pa kaya kahit hindi naman marami ang volume, sobrang dense pa rin sa calories.

Well, laban lang. malaki na rin naman na ang progress ko since nag-start ng journey. And ngayon, I’m learning new coping mechanism naman na. But ayon, may days kase na nagrerelapse ako, and I often go back to stress eating.

Akala ko kapag nagkaroon na ako ng trabaho after college, medyo ookay na ang buhay

Pero eto ako kanina, nagmamadaling gumayak pa-work, tapos biglang nasira yung clasp ng pinaka-reliable kong bra HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

As a plus size girlie, hirap na hirap ako bago makahanap ng komportable at matibay na bra, tapos kapag nasira… hindi siya simpleng “bili na lang ulit.” Bakit? MAHAL.

That made me realize na mahal talaga maging plus size? Lalo na kapag trying your best ka lang naman mabuhay nang maayos araw-araw. Kailangan mo mag-invest sa personal hygiene kasi alangan namang mataba ka na, maasim ka pa huhu. Tapos mas mahal lahat ng garments lalo na mga formalwear pamasok. Mahal din ang mag-healthy living at makapag-gym. Kapag hindi na less than minimum wage ang income ko, baka mas gagaan ako. (pun intended)

In conclusion, mapapaisip ka na lang kung bakit pati basic necessities parang luxury na ngayon.

Anyway, papasok pa rin tayo kasi alipin tayo ng salapi HAHAHA.

Sana hindi dumugin ng mga bodyshamer ang post na ito HAHAHAHHAHAHA I am admitting na plus size ako but I am constantly trying to improve my lifestyle. Hindi ako nagpapabaya. Thank you, that’s my rant today!!!

This is an off my chest, skl, mema, rant and vent post. Please bear with me.

I get the feeling that there are quite a few PH Redditors living vicariously. Yung mga gusto nila gawin dito nila sa app dinadaan.

Examples:

May nag post about having relationship issues - ang sagot nila “iwan mo na yan” without explaining why or sharing if they went through the same and did what they’re advising

May post about issues at home - “bumukod ka na” or “cut them off” mamser if ginawa mo yan, share your experience, tell us how you came to that decision and how it turned out

Post about a parent/sibling/close relative being financially dependent to the OP - “cut them off” while I agree, hindi madali gawin yan and so any advice on how to do that is welcome

And my favorite: may mga utang - “walang nakukulong sa utang” HAHAHAHA what an ungas advice. Yes wala pero pag di ka nag bayad, you will be hounded by collectors. Instead, why don’t you share your experience when you successfully negotiated a payment scheme or ano ginawa nyo nung nakasuhan kayo ng estafa or tinawag kayo sa barangay

Tingin ko yung mga nagbibigay ng hilaw na advice sila yung mga gusto gawin yan pero hindi nila magawa. Hindi ko nilalahat but to those who do this, please bear in mind that you might be putting a faceless redditor at risk. Sana man lang maglagay kayo ng disclaimer or elaborate on your advice.

I have my family. They’ve always been there for me. Siguro dahil kapatid nila ako, they’ll continue supporting me no matter how disappointing I turned out to be.

I tried ending my life once, pero hindi naging successful. The rope snapped. At nakita ko kung gaano sila nawasak. I saw the pain in their eyes.

I tried therapy. I tried faith. Pero at the end of the day, nandito pa rin ako. Still carrying this constant feeling na parang wala akong kwentang tao.

The pressure. The failures. The feeling of not being enough. Kahit maliliit na bagay. The way people treat others differently. Yung feeling na isolated ka, left out ka, parang hindi ka belong. Maybe ako nga ang problema.

Hindi naman siya malaking bagay noon. Pero when things keep happening over and over, naiipon sila. Hanggang sa mabigat na pala.

What’s really keeping me here is my father.

I saw him cry once. Yung strong, strict father na kilala ko, umiiyak dahil sa ginawa kong pagtatangka na mawala. That image never left me.

And honestly, hanggang ngayon dala ko pa rin yung thought na yun.

Maybe kapag mapayapa na siyang mawala, susunod na rin ako.

Not by accident. By choice.

Until then, I’ll keep walking this path I know, carrying this weight, this heaviness, every single day.

WFH ako at GY shift so understandable na tulog ako sa maghapon. Kaka-one month ko pa lang kaya masasabi kong nasa adjusting period pa rin ang katawan ko.

So ayun nga, pagkagising ko ngayong gabi, tinanong ko si Mama kung kumain na ba sila. Oo raw. Tinanong ko rin kung anong ulam, wala raw. Naki-fiesta raw sila ng kapatid ko at doon na kumain. Tinanong ko kung may inuwi ba sila. Wala raw dahil nakakahiya. Mag-ulam na lang daw ako ng itlog. Sinabi kong itlog na ang ulam ko kanina nung gumising ako ng hapon. Bakit daw yun ang inulam ko, e may inihaw na bangus naman daw, kalahati pa yun. Wala na kako natirang taba kahit isang kurot lang. Nainis sya kasi raw ginigising naman daw ako nung lunch pero hindi raw ako bumangon. Kasalanan ko kung bakit hindi ako nakakain ng taba ng bangus.

Sa inis ko, buti na lang may laman pa bank account ko at may pwede pang mag-deliver sa amin, nag-order ako ng pagkain ko. Kinwento ko rin sa friend ko yung nangyari, pinadalhan nya ako ng paborito kong Mcdo (baka mabasa mo to, super thank you 😭😭😭😭). Hindi ko na sana aayain kumain si Mama pero baka lalo lang sya mainis. Busog nga raw kasi sya kaya hindi rin naman sya nakikain.

Yung in-order kong porksilog, binigay ko na lang sa Tita ko at yung Mcdo ang kinain ko.

Hindi ako kumakain ng laman ng bangus bukod sa taba. Alam na alam naman nila yon.

Hello po, ako po yung nanghihingi o nagpapasabay ng dasal sainyo para sa 3rd operation ko po. Gusto ko lang malaman nyo na success po yung operation. Nagpapagaling na po ako. Maraming salamat po sainyo.

My friend just posted na finally may nangligaw na sa kanya. I'm genuinely happy pero at the same time I feel so bad coz naiingit ako. I don't want to feel this. She waited her time.

Parang gusto ko din but I haven't found someone who understands me. And I'm afraid din to be in a relationship

Nag-oopen up ako nitong mga nakaraang buwan dito sa Reddit tungkol sa relationship ko pero para may context:

I (24M) have been with my girlfriend (24F) for 3 years and a half na.

Bestfriend ko siya since 2019 tapos nag-aminan kami noong 2023 kaya naging kami officially.

Okay kami. Sobrang okay.

Open kami sa isa’t isa, supportive sa lahat ng bagay, at sobrang dami na rin naming napapag-usapan tungkol sa future namin—businesses, finances, paano mamumuhay together, mga pangarap namin, etc. Pareho kasi talaga naming goal na maging successful at yumaman nang magkasama balang araw.

Siya ngayon nagtatrabaho sa isang international security/surveillance firm at mas mataas sa minimum wage yung kinikita niya kahit hindi siya college graduate. Gustong gusto niya rin yung work niya kasi compared sa dati niyang mga trabaho (BPO at iba pa), hindi siya nauubos mentally.

Ako naman, architecture student pa rin at magreredefense this July.

Hindi ako naka-graduate nitong June kasi nagkulang final average ko sa jury (medyo nakaaway ko rin kasi isa sa panel habang nagdedefend kaya bumagsak HAHAHA). Pero okay lang, comments at revisions nalang naman inaayos ko at mataas tiwala kong papasa na ako.

Ang problema… Ayaw ng parents ko sa girlfriend ko. Main reason? Hindi siya graduate. At “bad background” daw.

Broken family kasi siya. Tapos nag-bankrupt recently yung business ng tatay niya kaya napahinto siya sa college midway (private school kasi siya).

Pero ang hirap kasi parang hindi nila nakikita yung totoong nangyari.

Kasi despite lahat ng yun, hindi siya sumuko.

Nagtrabaho siya kung saan saan para suportahan sarili niya.

Nagbenta sa malls, nag-BPO, tapos eventually natanggap siya sa current work niya.

May mga panahon pa raw na wala silang makain sa bahay pero pinilit niya pa rin mabuhay at kumayod.

At pinaka-hanga ako...

never siyang nanghingi sakin ng pera.

Ako pa nga dati yung nagpupumilit magbigay ng pagkain o budget pag alam kong kapos siya gamit ipon ko.

Pero ngayon baliktad na HAHAHA. Siya na madalas nanlilibre sakin kasi di pa ako graduate. Siya madalas nagbabayad sa dates.

Pero kahit ganon… iniisip pa rin ng parents ko na may tinatago siyang “baho”. Na baka ginagamit lang daw niya ako dahil architecture kinuha ko.

Na pag naging successful kami sa future, siya lang daw makikinabang kasi ipapaaral niya lang daw sarili niya. Last November lang nila nalaman na may girlfriend ako.

Simula noon parang puro assumptions nalang:

Broken family = bad influence.

Mabubuntis agad.

Pag nasa trabaho = makikipaglandian sa iba.

Temporary lang daw kasi girlfriend lang.

Nakakafrustrate. Kasi sa buong college ko, never naging bad influence girlfriend ko. Siya yung sumuporta sakin sa plates. Projects. Exams. Thesis.

Kahit minsan wala siyang pera, gumagawa pa rin siya paraan para may makain din ako.

Siya rin tumutulong gumawa ng layouts, PowerPoints, presentations ko.

At sa totoo lang… nung sunod sunod yung disappointments at betrayals ko sa mga kaibigan nitong mga nakaraang taon, siya yung naging sandalan ko para hindi ako tuluyang masiraan ng ulo.

Pero hindi alam ng parents ko yun. At pakiramdam ko kahit sabihin ko, sermon at panghuhusga lang ulit maririnig ko.

Ang gusto ko lang naman… tanggapin nila siya. Maintindihan nila na hindi siya temporary sa buhay ko.

Kasi ako yung tipo ng lalaki na hindi nakikipag-date para lang may girlfriend. Nakikipag-date ako para magpakasal. At para sakin, oo hindi siya perfect.

Pero yung babae na pinipili niyang maging araw-araw…

at yung taong unti-unti niyang binubuo para sa sarili niya… yun yung gusto ko. At mahal ko.

Ang mas masakit pa, alam ng girlfriend ko lahat ng sinasabi nila tungkol sa kanya at sa pamilya niya. Pero kahit ganon… hindi niya nakakalimutan bigyan ng flowers at regalo yung mom at lola ko every events like Mother's Day, Christmas day, etc.

Kaya lalo ko siyang hinahangaan.

Sorry medyo mahaba.

Nahihirapan lang ako kasi parang maraming ibang magulang na naaappreciate yung effort at sipag niya…

pero yung sarili kong parents, parang hindi makita.

May naka-experience na ba ng ganito? Paano niyo hinandle yung parents na ayaw sa partner niyo dahil lang sa pinanggalingan niya?

Growing up, my mom never taught me proper grooming or hygiene. She would always tell me and my sister that makeup was for insecure people and that natural beauty was best.

It didn’t help that we were poor. My mom would let us wear whatever oversized T-shirts we had and poorly fitting jeans. I was stick thin back then, so ang pangit talaga ng fit sa akin.

Even bras were discouraged. According to my mom, bras were only meant to make your chest look bigger. I think it had something to do with how she was raised. Back in her school days, girls who wore bras would get punished.

My mom always told us we were pretty, but I thought she was just being biased, so I never really believed her. I was very insecure when I was younger.

I was never a heartthrob in school, although a few guys noticed me, probably because of my good grades. But I would avoid them because I thought they would lose interest once they saw me up close. To make things worse, I struggled with acne for years.

My mom kept insisting my acne was caused by my bangs, so she made me wear a headband in a way that somehow made me feel even less attractive 😂

My mom also saw femininity as kaartehan. She never cared much about appearance and would always say that my dad chose her because she was “natural.” I honestly thought she was just lucky.😅

Ironically, it was my dad who helped us more with things like presentation. He would sometimes brush our hair and was actually good at it since he grew up with many sisters. He even taught us how to sit properly, something our mom never taught us.

Years later, my dad quit his job and started his own business, and life slowly got better. When faster internet became available, I started researching proper grooming, skincare, and fashion on my own.

Then pandemic happened. I gained weight and started looking like a burrito in my old clothes 😂 That was when I started working out. Clothes began fitting me better. In my late 30s, I actually started feeling the sexiest I had ever felt. Around that time, I also found a good dermatologist, and my acne finally started clearing up.

One time, I ran into a friend’s mom and chatted with her for a bit. Before leaving, she suddenly told me:

“Alam mo, blooming ka. Gumanda ka talaga.”

I was honestly shocked, and of course, very happy.

It made me realize that no matter your age, there’s still hope to become the version of yourself you want to be. Sometimes, you’re not “ugly." You just haven’t learned what works for you yet, or you simply haven’t had the chance to take care of yourself.

I’m still a work in progress. I still don't know much about fashion and makeup, but I’m genuinely happy with how much I’ve improved not just physically, but also in confidence.

I just want to add that this isn’t me blaming my mom. She loved us, sacrificed a lot for our family, and genuinely believed naturalness was best. She grew up in a different generation with different beliefs, and I know she meant well. She also has naturally beautiful skin, something I did not inherit.😢 This is simply me reflecting on how those experiences shaped my confidence and relationship with femininity.

TL;DR I grew up being insecure because no one taught me proper grooming and hygiene and I suffered from acne. I started taking care of myself and glowed up in my 30s.

Oo. Pagod na pagod na ko.

Ako ang nag aalaga sa lola namin na hindi na nakakalakad. As in, hindi na sya nakakatayl na mag-isa. Pero halos kailangan na syang buhatin. Natutulungan naman ako ng kapatid kasi kasama namin dito sa bahay. Pero ta***na yung isang pinsan ko. Wala man lang maitulong, pabigat pa.

Sa umaga, maaga kong gumigising para bumili ng uulamin namin sa maghapon. Magluluto ng almusal, papakainin si lola, papaliguan, maglilinis ng bahay, magsasalang ng labada sa washing, tapos magluluto ng tanghalian.

Sa tanghali pagkakain, nakakapahinga naman kahit pano.

Sa gabi, ganon ulit, magluluto, lilinisan si lola.

Nakakapagod.

Hindi yung pag-aalaga, hindi yung pag-aasikaso.

Nakakapagod na ako na nag-iintindi sa lahat pero yung mga kasama mo, kung hindi pa ko magparinig ni hindi man lang magsaing. Ni hindi man lang maghugas ng kinainan. Iintindihin mo na nga kakainin nila, mapili pa. Pag ayaw yung ulam, lulutuin yung egg, bacon o hotdog na niready ko para sa breakfast kinabukasan.

Kapag may pagkain ako, o merienda, lahat sila kasali.

Nakakapagod.

Nakakasawa na.

Ngayon umaga sumabog na ko.

May pinagkainan ng mcdo sa basurahan.

Kumain sila kagabi nung tulog na ko. Hindi masama ang loob ko na hindi ako nakakain. Masama ang loob ko na hindi man lang nila naalala si ate na bilhan kahit isang burger. Ni hindi nila naisip na ako na gastos at kilos sa lahat dito sa bahay pero di ako naalala kahit isang burger lang. Nakakatawa na nakakaiyak.

Nagluto ako ng almusal, pang almusal lang namin ng lola ko. Bibili na lang siguro ko ng lutong ulam para saming dalawa mamayang tanghalian. Bahala na sila. Ayoko na.

Slightly long story. Just want to get this off my big chest haha

We broke up last year kasi kupal sya na mahilig sa jokes. Feel nya lahat ng solutions sa mga problema pwedeng i-daan sa jokes.

Anyway today nagkaroon ako ng realization na thankful ako at break na kami. Isa sa mga shows na pinanood namin magkasama noon is The Boys. From 1st season onwards ang ganda ganda ni Erin Moriarty aka si Starlight pero nung season 4 ata biglang nag "iba" raw mukha nya. Idk if nagpabotox sya or anything, basta yung ex ko, he chalked it up as getting plastic surgery and pangit na pangit na sya sa kanya non.

Napa-isip ako non na baka hindi naman plastic surgery lang meron, baka meron health issues si Erin kaya nag-iba looks nya. OA nya nga eh, halos same lang naman itsura ni Erin non, pumayat lang yung mukha pero ang ganda pa rin. Pero sabi nya kahit na ba raw, in english pa kasi bobo yun mag tagalog (pinalaki ng mama nya na mag-english lang kahit di naman sila taga US. baduy eh).

Ngayon ko lang nalaman na may Graves disease si Erin. May post about sa kanya na healthy looking na sya and it's true. I'm not going to say na alam ko yung ins and outs ng illness na yon pero all i can read up on is it's an autoimmune disease that makes the thyroid produce too much thyroid hormones. It's in regards to your hormones and alam naman ng mga tao kung gaano kahirap magmaintain ng health if hormones are involved.

It got me thinking today na thankful ako kasi nagkaroon kami ng argument before na what if tumaba ako and maggain ng weight kasi may chance na may PCOS ako? Hindi ganon kadaling maglose ng weight with PCOS, but it IS possible. Ang argument ko kasi non is hindi lang naman sa food yung sole reason na baka maggain ako ng sobrang weight pero may role ang hormones and PCOS ko. Sagot nya? Exercise lang and if tamarin akong "i-take care yung sarili ko", edi iiwan nya ako. As if me taking meds and various ways to manage my health isn't taking care of myself enough. Di rin ako pwede sa high intensity weight loss exercises kasi may back injury ako na well-aware sya. (Also confirmed late last year na meron akong PCOS lmao tangina)

The point i want to tell lang is sobrang judgemental nya towards sa mga babae. Wala syang pake if may sakit or underlying sickness yung babae, he's going to shift the argument na "bakit yung ibang babae, kapag may sakit parang hindi halata?" or if meron akong period "bakit ang intense mo ngayon? Hindi naman ganyan ate ko kapag meron sya eh", etc. Dati pa ko natakot na magkaroon ng anak kasama sya kasi what if i-brush off and invalidate nya lang din mga sakit ko by then? Maging extremely moody ako during pregnancy or magkaroon ng post-partum depression tapos icocompare ako sa mama nya, or mga nanay ng kaibigan nya na "hindi naman ganyan"?

Siguro thankful din ako kasi ako mismo di pa ready sa ganong relationship. Na medyo tinakot ko sarili ko sa potentially bad outcome ng actions nya towards sakin. Pero his actions and words says otherwise eh.

The fear of getting judged by the person who should protect and look out for you stings. Tagos sa dibdib yung sakit, tbh. But from the way he judged me, my underlying conditions and his judgement towards sa ibang babae, i'm glad we're done na.

Kaya A, fuck you. I'm glad kupal ka and we broke up. Liit-liit ng tite pero ang laki ng ulo tsaka 5'2 ka lang. Short-stacked crybaby bitch. Yuck.