u/Apart_Entertainer_12

I’m(F25) neurodivergent.

My boyfriend(M27) slept over sa place ko one time, and asked why i was tying yung ends ng curtain ko na may beads sa gitna, then yung sides ng curtain sa may katabing mirror at sa paa ng bed ko. I told him na tumatama yung beads sa glass door papuntang balcony pag ino-on ko yung fan sa gabi, at need ko itali in a certain way yung curtains para di tumunog, or else, di ako makaka-sleep buong gabi kahit sobrang hina lang ng tunog pero paulit ulit, and honestly, malapit ko na ikabaliw lol.

The next time na natulog siya sa place ko, paglabas ko ng shower, natali niya na yung curtains the same way na ginawa ko the first time he saw it. I never had to ask him to do it for me.

It might not mean much for other people, but it made me feel so seen. Hay. I love this guy so much.

Okay, bye.

Pagod na ako. I’m turning 26 this year, and I feel like my whole life is just a series of unfortunate events. I was bullied when I was in jhs, I have no friends, the people who I used to hang out with back then turned out to be my biggest bullies. I was SAd by my ex-bestfriend/cousin and his friend at a house party. I told someone about what happened and they told me that I’m probably remembering it wrong and those people would never do such things because they’re not like that. I tried to tell another person about it, and she told me it’s my fault because I was drunk and said “Bakit ka kase umiinom ng alak?”. The ex-bestfriend is a politician now, and his friend I think is a police officer.

I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder few years after that incident, which explains why my whole life it felt like my brain was wired differently. I have to be on medication forever, or else, everyday becomes a suffering for me, and the people around me.

I do have friends now, I love them so much, but they know nothing about me. It’s so hard for me to talk about the things I love because in the past, whenever I do, I would notice halfway of me telling a story that no one is actually listening, so I would just stop talking abruptly and no one would even notice that I did.

I’m awkward and quiet. I’m fat. My mom would never fail to remind me how big I am. Whenever we meet her friends, my titas, or literally anyone, she would instantly tell them to look how fucking huge I am. Whenever I leave the room, I would hear them talk about it as if it’s the only thing worth noting about me.

When I was still in college, I got so depressed that I didn’t leave my bed for 2 days, my hair was matted and when I finally decided to get up, I almost passed out because I felt dizzy as fuck. Probably from not drinking water lol. I was not replying to anyone, not answering calls, I just check my phone for a bit when I wake up, then force myself to sleep again. When I finally decided to answer my mom’s call, she told me that I’m useless and she hopes I die. My dad was also spamming me text messages on how I’m making it hard for everyone, and he too hopes I just die, and that them sending me to college is a waste of their resources.

Before anyone says anything about how I should help myself before trying to always act like a victim, I already did everything I can. I am in a way better place now (mentally), I try to always eat healthier food options, I work out, I read books, I journal.

I’m still awkward and barely have any friends tho.

The last time I felt happiness was on my 7th birthday, when my dad gave me a cat. I don’t think I will experience happiness again in this life, but I’m at peace with it.

I feel okay, I’m just sad.