I just really need to vent this out
I just really need to vent this out
My sister suddenly called me a while ago. She was anxious talaga, and eventually she told me why.
She was initially diagnosed with a serious illness.
While she was telling me, umiiyak siya. Her son was playing in the background, laughing and just being happy.
And I was just there, crying silently. Ayoko ipakita sa kanya na umiiyak ako, so I was trying really hard to distract myself.
I was literally still working while talking to her. I was messaging my boss on Slack and clarifying some transactions while she was telling me all of this.
I think I just needed something to do because I didn’t know how else to react.
I’m still in disbelief.
Growing up, sanay ako na wala si ate sa tabi namin because she had to work and build a life somewhere else. She basically took on the role of being the father of our family. She became the breadwinner at 21.
After she graduated and passed the board exam, nagpursigi talaga siya. She worked in Saudi Arabia as a nurse, and eventually moved to the US. Now she has her own family there.
But despite all of that, she never really stopped helping us.
She helped put me through school. She still helps our mom and our other sister financially.
I eventually moved out because I wanted to lessen her financial burden. I wanted to be independent too.
And yes, we have a lot of disagreements. We don’t always see eye to eye. Especially after I moved out, we’ve had a lot of differences, even politically. We’ve had our own issues as sisters.
But obviously, none of that means I ever wanted something like this to happen to her.
I just can’t believe I saw my ate like that.
She was so scared.
She’s probably the healthiest person I know. She’s always been the strong one, the person who just keeps going no matter what happens.
And she’s already been through so much since she went to the US.
When she first went there, she was pregnant. She arrived first because nagkaproblema sa papers ng asawa niya, so he came later.
She gave birth without any of us there.
Thankfully, one of her former coworkers who was also in the US went to her and stayed with her. The doctors and nurses took care of her, but still. She had to go through giving birth in another country without her family around.
Then last year, she had a miscarriage.
And now this.
I was literally just thinking, haha tangina naman, like yah putangina.
Like, what else?
She has already been through so much, and now she’s scared.
She even told me to take care of her son. Hinabilin niya na sa akin yung 2yr old son niya. She keeps repeating na, sabihin ko sa kanya kung gaano niya kamahal anak niya at kung gaano niya katagal hiniling na magkaroon ng anak.
That really got to me.
I told her I’m willing to pause law school and go there if I have to. If she needs me, I’ll go and take care of her.
And it’s frustrating because I know how hard I’ve worked too. I finally have a sustainable job. I moved out. I’m trying to build my own life. I went back to law school after quitting years ago.
Pero who will my ate rely on, maliban sa asawa niya? Siyempre, kami na mga kapatid niya. We won’t risk na huminto sa college yung sister ko. Kaya sabi ko, ako nalang even without her asking. Ako nalang ang pupunta to take care of her and my pamangkin habang nagwowork si Kuya.
Honestly, frustrated din ako sa Diyos. I don’t really pray anymore and I don’t consider myself religious now.
But during our call, she asked me to include her in my prayers.
She doesn’t want to tell our mom and sister yet because she knows they’ll probably tell people at church, and she doesn’t want everyone knowing before she’s ready.
I told her, “Ate, di na ako nagdadasal eh.”
Then I said, “Sige, pag-pray kita.”
After the call ended, saka ako talaga humagulgol.
Kanina kasi pinipigilan ko lang dahil ayoko marinig niyang umiiyak ako.
I know we have disagreements. I know we’ve had our issues. We’re not always close.
But she’s my ate. ATE KO SIYA.
And she doesn’t deserve this.
I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. I just really need to vent this out somewhere because I don’t know what else to do with all of this right now.
I just hope she’s going to be okay. Tambak pa yung readings ko, shet.