i wish my parents didnt love me so much
this is a selfish post, but one thats been weighing on me for a bit.
i like to think ive had a fairly easy life; great friends, decent academics, but most of all, parents who'd do anything for me. which makes me feel stupid and dumb and selfish for being the way that i am because in my own eyes i don't deserve the love theyve so readily given.
it feels wasted on a burden like me whos lied and said i know what i want to do with my life when in reality im still lost. they deserve so much more than me, their formerly smart, burnout kid who struggles the find motivation to even roll out of bed in the morning.
i feel so fucking stupid because i dont deserve to be depressed since ive lived such a good life.
i wish they didn't love me so much. maybe then it would be easier to just end it all, but i dont want to be an even bigger burden to them by dying while theyre still working hard to give me the best they can. sometimes i wonder what would happen to me if even one of them were to pass, and as twisted as it sounds, a small ugly disgusting part of me that i despise is waiting for it to happen so i can go without knowing theyll suffer from my loss.
ive only made it this far because of them.