I am at a loss. Today is my (40f) 16th wedding anniversary. The incident is this: today is Tuesday. I asked if on Friday he (44m) could reserve some time after the kids go to bed when we could spend some time together. He was not happy about this. It screwed up our anniversary vibes, and things have been tense ever since.
We have a recurring problem/not a problem. I am a night owl. He is an early bird. In many ways, this is efficient - someone has eyes on the house at all times. The dogs are delighted with all the attention.
I am an artist, and have managed to get my career on fairly solid footing. It still takes a lot of time and effort, as everything I sell has to be handmade (aka, I don’t sell something like prints or shirts, that can be outsourced to other companies to supply).
My best working time is at night. Mostly, because we have children and a small-ish house, it’s the only time that I have quiet and some freedom to listen to music or have a movie going in the background, and I can have my thoughts free for creativity and making what I make. The kids go to bed around 10:30, and then I work until about 2:00am. Around then, I get into bed, and either read or play a computer game for 45ish minutes before getting to sleep.
My husband, on the other hand, works a 9-5 in a similar, but corporate field. To be clear, he is a good person, an involved father, attends equally to household chores, etc. He goes to bed at about 8:00pm every night and wakes up about 4:00am. Because of our schedules, we don’t spend a lot of alone time together.
I have been feeling really disconnected from him, but am at a loss for how to fix this. The kids (who are lovely) are nowhere near bed at 8:00, and 4:00am feels crazy for me to get up to say, watch a movie or play a game with my guy.
He gets upset when I bring this up, saying that I should simply come to bed earlier. That if I got to bed at 8:00, he could watch a movie with me. The reality is, he will just fall asleep 10 minutes in. (He doesn’t deny this, he loves falling asleep to movies.)
He sleeps better when I’m physically in the bed, but I always feel like I am there to get him a restful sleep - at the expense of my work. During the day, I do household stuff, and do the more bland work involving my career, so this isn’t a matter of simply moving my work to a different time. Fastidious stuff by day, creative stuff by night.
When I bring this up, he gets very upset. Frankly, when I bring any relationship concerns up, he gets very upset. I always end up apologizing, and having to privately get over it and move on. But the more and more this goes on, the further and further I feel from him.
I can never find the right tone or words to express this kind of thing. If I am gentle with my wording, that’s insulting and demeaning. If I am more frank, then I am being cruel and hurtful. The message I am receiving is that I should not be bringing up anything at anytime, though if I said that he would say that THAT is offensive and hurtful. Communication, regarding our relationship, is off the table. Otherwise, we yap about topics we agree on endlessly and enjoy conversation.
At this point, I have gotten to a point of apathy, and that feels icky and gross to me. I don’t want to feel apathetic. But it is way less stressful for me to privately get over something, than bring it up and have him get so upset that I end up apologizing and having to privately get over it anyway.
I guess my real question is, am I the jerk? Am I staying up too late? Should I be making more of an effort?