Here we are again. Every time I start to feel like maybe my delusions and anxiety are the problem something will happen that makes me more sure of my concerns.
If you have read some of my other posts you know that me and my husband are having some issues. We have been together 15 years and married for 2. I want to start by saying he is a good man. Even good men make bad choices. I am not interested in comments or responses that speak ill of his character. Despite everything I still love him and always will.
That said, I have had concerns about his loyalty recently. You will see from previous posts that we have struggled with him having an emotional affair with one woman in the past (roughly 6 years ago) and since then a brief episode where he entertained her attention a little too long (roughly 3 years ago). My concerns lie only with this one woman. I do not believe my husband is a prolific cheater.
I had started to come around to the idea that maybe it is simply my snxiety amplifying emotions and thoughts and maybe nothing is going on. After all he has kep his location on (despite that one time) and has allowed me to freely look over his phone when I asked that one time. However there are small things happening that when I put them together tell a story and I don't know if it's a story built by an anxious mind or with some truth behind it.
For example whilst we were at a show at the weekend he took a snapchat on his phone and captioned it "wish you were here". I noticed and asked if he was sending it to a friend that wasn't able to come with him in my place as he was away. I just want to add the show was a present for my husband but wasn;t my typical type of thing so I suggested he take a friend but he wasn't available. Anyway my husband said yes the photo was for the friend but locked his phone and put it away without sending it. When I asked why he didnt send it he said he would later but he doesn't have signal now.
I messaged the friend the next day (we get on well) and said my husband missed him as he could tell by the photo he sent. His response was in keeping with haviong recieved the photo. So maybe I am worrying over nothing.
Later the same night my husband took a photo of us together but didn't post it anywehre like he normally would. I felt as thought he was hiding me from someone. I asked if he saved the photo because it isnt posted anywhere and he said yes he saved it and sent it to me. He added "oh did it not post" but did nothing to change that. When you type it out it seems such a silly detail but it is out of character for him.
He is constantly active on snapchat until he isn't. What I mean is he is always active but at times I worry where he may be he isn't active and it feels as though that is an attempt to conceal his location. He appeared to be on snapchat yesterday when I come to speak to him however he quickly closed the app which was open before turning to speak with me. Maybe it was timing or maybe he was activley hiding something.
I really don't know what to believe anymore. I am scared of losing my husband and marriage. Scared of breaking apart my childrens home and family but honestly I cannot continue to cry myself to sleep, to go to counselling believeing I am the problem and being the only person activley trying to repair our marriage. I sat and sobbed my heart out to this man yesterday and he was so reassuring. I can't believe he would do that and then continue to break my heart behind my back, would he?
I feel like I have been left with no option but to ask to check his phone again. It's 6 weeks since I last asked and I won't do it behind his back. I told myself and him that I would not sneak around to check on him anymore and I want to be true to myself. If I could see that she isn't a contact on snapchat or that his bestfriends on snapchat are the usual suspects maybe I would be less concerned? Any suggestions on what next?