I feel emotionally exhausted and scared of relapsing
Lately I’ve been struggling a lot mentally and emotionally, and I honestly feel scared of relapsing. I used to heavily depend on weed, nicotine, and over the counter medication like cough syrup and Benadryl to cope with depression, insomnia, emotional pain, eating struggles, and self harm thoughts. I’ve been sober for almost a month now, but lately the cravings have been getting stronger and I feel emotionally exhausted all over again. I’m scared of falling back into unhealthy habits like isolating myself, neglecting my hygiene, abusing substances to numb my emotions, starving myself or overeating, and shutting everyone out emotionally.
Part of what makes this harder is my relationship with my mom. Growing up she was physically and verbally abusive toward me and would say she hated me, wished I was dead, and that I was worthless. A few years ago we got into a huge argument after years of me bottling everything up, and after that our relationship completely changed. Recently she was diagnosed with cancer, which brought up a lot of complicated emotions for me. Part of me feels guilty for still being angry and hurt after everything that happened, especially because I know she had a traumatic childhood herself. Now it feels like she only contacts me when she needs favors or money, which honestly hurts too.
My relationship with my dad is also complicated. He’s always been there for me more than my mom has, but I still feel emotionally distant from him sometimes. He recently bought me a car, which I had dreamed about for years because I thought it would finally give me some independence and freedom, but I still don’t really feel trusted. Driving is one of the only things that genuinely gives me peace and helps quiet my mind for a little while.
At one point I tried to jokingly hint to my dad about my substance abuse because I think part of me wanted help or wanted someone to notice how much I was struggling, but he didn’t react well at all. Ever since then I’ve felt even more scared to open up fully because I’m terrified of disappointing him, losing his trust, or even getting kicked out.
I’m also supposed to be hanging out with one of my close friends soon, and while I’m excited because she brings out a happier side of me, I’m honestly scared too. We bonded over difficult childhoods, depression, and substance use. She’s been struggling herself and has warned me not to go down the same path she did with harder substances.
The thing is, I’m scared that if substances get brought up while I’m already emotionally vulnerable, I might not be strong enough to resist the urge to relapse. One of the biggest things stopping me from going further down that path is a promise I made to my younger sister that I would never abuse hard substances. I don’t want to destroy my life or lose myself to addiction. I think deep down I just want relief from the emotional pain, loneliness, and exhaustion I’ve been carrying for years.
Despite everything, I still want a future for myself. I want to go back to school someday, possibly become a teacher or work in psychology, and create a life that feels stable and emotionally safe. Right now though, I honestly just feel overwhelmed, scared, and emotionally tired.