Hi all,
I absolutely have a monster in law. It's been many years, including many years of therapy, to really see her for what she is and understand the dynamic between her and my husband. He is enmeshed and I've learned what triangulation really means.
We have two kids together (5 and 8). A long standing fight between in laws and us is that my kids don't greet MIL enthusiastically enough. Now I've taught my kids to be polite and always say hello - but they can choose how. But she thinks, as the older one, it is the child's duty to go to her and greet her first. I've tried to explain to her, the kids are reacting to her already being on edge, testing them by not saying hello first. She also brings sweets almost every time and will tell the kids they can't have a sweet without giving her a hug first. I've also explained to her, and the kids, this is blackmail and not a way to build a connection.
Some of the things she's said about my kids:
- They aren't normal
- Other kids are nicer
- It isn't natural for kids to not be happy to see the grandparents
- If the kids won't greet us, we won't greet them either
- My children are scared of me
- I've never showed my children any love or comfort
- I don't raise my children with any rules
- I am intentionally turning my kids against her
Some of the things she's said to my kids:
- Oma is going to get mad if you don't hug me
- You don't love me, do you? Oma is going to crawl into bed tonight and cry
- And in front of the kids, it's usually a monologue of her talking really on edge / stressed / borderline yelling about life. To the point where my younger son asks to go in a different room because she won't stop yelling.
FIL has sat at our kitchen and completely ignored the kids when mad at them. He's also told my kids, if we buy cats and he can't bring his dog over, then he won't visit ever again.
But more recently, she has said she would rather cut contact with the kids than accept that their behavior isn't exactly what she expects. She wrote in my husbands birthday card that they won't ever touch or hug or greet the kids again. This is a normal pattern: she explodes, threatens to cut contact. Husband has fights over and over with her over the period of days to weeks. Suddenly enough time has gone by and she is now moved on to being mad at FIL, without repair etc.
Unfortunately, my husband lashed out at our son during their last visit for not giving a proper hello. (He was playing with a tablet of course his hello was distracted). husband yelled at him and shamed him (bringing it up over and over, saying things like "how many more times". I tried to damage control best I could and in a calm moment got my husband to agree that the shaming absolutely wasn't okay but when he knows his mother is mad he kinda panics and does damage control with the family...
Now my question for all of you:
My mother in law now wants to go no contact with only me. Hooray for me. My husband, who of course wasn't okay with me going low contact, seems to be okay with this as it's what his mother wants. However, I am really afraid for my children. I am worried about not being there and having her shame them or do other toxic things while I'm not there to protect them. My therapist has told me, since they don't have such a close relationship to her it won't damage them so bad as long as I can repair after. But I've seen how triggered my husband gets the minute his mom is upset.
I have no idea how to handle this. I don't want contact but feel like I need to protect my kids. What would y'all do?
And just a side note, she's been just as awful to my husband, her only child, as well. (Well, besides constantly threatening to cut contact) By saying things like:
I gave birth to you, but you've lost me as a mother
Other partners have more joy with their sons
Other sons would know it better
Etc
Tl;Dr: MIL is mean, husband still enmeshed, would you let kids see her alone with husband?