u/ChasingRedBirds

Hi, been on Reddit for years never really post. This might be a mix of venting and asking for some problem solving help.

I’m a 39 F with AuDHD, dyslexia (in childhood i was diagnosed with a language based learning disability…please forgive spelling mistakes), and sensory processing disorder. I’m prone to be easily overwhelmed and anxiety due to going with un recognized autism until the age of 36.
I was a SAHM due to a serious and still lasting autistic burnout from 16 years of high masking as a teacher in preschool classrooms.
Started working part time at our local “Village Library” (think tiny library) a few years ago. It’s perfect.
We’ve recently cut back my hours as I was starting to burn out again.

I’ve spent my entire life feeling stupid, crazy, lazy, and like I’m “too much. “ I’m working on getting better at asking for what I need, but I think I often communicate it sooo poorly I’m not taken seriously. Then something happens and I melt down and everyone is “shocked” because while I tried to advocate for myself calmly they told me “l would be fine” I’m working hard on trying to find and fix this gap but its not going well.

I need to add here my director is amazing, dyslexic and ADHD herself but our sensory needs are completely opposite. She has been so patient, accommodating, and supportive, if she ever leaves I likely will too. This is the first experience in 4 years where I felt gaslit and unheard. I just don’t know how to address it because my self talk is “it’s just paint, no one else cares, you’re an adult get over it” But it’s mentally effecting me very strongly. Here’s the situation.

My main workspace is the back room that multi-functions as break room and storage. It’s small …. maybe 10x12 (I’m bad at this… think large closest small bedroom) no windows, florescent lights. We have 5 employees typically the director and 2 staff are there at the same time. Sometimes less. The director is in the back room long enough to heat up her food and go back to her office. The walls were a dingy cream and desperately needed re-painted. I worked around the light situation by bringing in a desk lamp and turning the lights off when no one was eating. It was a relative calming space I could focus in (unlike the front desk)

Well the walls have been repainted and 3 walls are now a deep pink/red color and the wall I face is a greenish/blue (it’s fine). The whole space feels smaller, darker (not a good darker) and overwhelming. When the director told me the plan I asked for it not to be red. I was told it’s the color we have left from the children’s section paint job (which I’ve hated since I was a patron there) I offered to buy a can of paint because I knew this was going to derail me. I was informed it would be fine this color was already approved.

Well it’s not fine and I’m truly trying. They are now changing the lights because it’s suddenly darker and people can’t see to eat. Funny how painting a small windowless space a dark color makes it darker…. but what do I know.

I admit I struggle with change and my initial reaction was so negative I couldn’t work back there. Usually I freak out about a change for a few days then after processing it intensely life goes on. I know this about myself and plan for it. Well it’s be a couple weeks….It’s not fine. I seriously can’t focus, it’s taking me 2 times longer to do a task. I feel edgy and unsettled. My safe space is suddenly requiring more masking and it’s going to wreck me. Considering quitting. Worried I’m going to lose my job anyway because my productivity has dropped. It’s exhausting and I’m the only one who seems to be bothered, and I just don’t want to be “that person” but it’s effecting my work. I have zero desire to go into work to a job I LOVE. I feel more anxious and scattered…there is now nowhere to go to calm down if I start to feel overwhelmed. All because of paint. I get the feeling this is just something I have to deal with. I can go to my boss for lots of things but this doesn’t feel like one of them. Due to how she responded before it was even done and I voiced my concerns. It’s done and it would be a huge project to redo. Hanging up stuff to cover it just adds to the visual clutter of the storage space that was already annoying but I could deal with. Visual clutter has always caused anxiety, overwhelm and frustration for me. Which I now know is a symptom of my ADHD focusing issues. Apparently paint color can also be visual clutter for my nervous system. Maybe that’s why I’ve always gone with white or natural colors in my home.

So not sure what I’m after but I’m struggling and feel like I’m being crazy. How can I make this work? Validation? Advice? Thanks for reading all of this. It’s helped just to get it out.