Does anyone else identify with this? I’ve been having a LOT of attachment issues come up the past few weeks with my therapist, especially in the last week. I feel a little scared at the intensity of it all. I keep searching up posts of people in similar situations so I know I’m not insane or weird.
I don’t know what has been going on with me but all I know is since end of December, I’ve been on a slow downward spiral. Sometimes things get better and I’m okay, but it eventually resumes its descent into madness.
I thought about quitting therapy because it has been 6 years of therapy (with different therapists too) and I’m still not any better when it comes to the childhood stuff. I’m starting to believe I’m beyond redemption. Maybe there’s something wrong with me at the core that can’t be fixed. I feel like I’m wasting my therapists time and they probably are sick of my shit. I sit there and don’t speak. I never know what to talk about. I’m equally scared of him and crave him. I chose a male therapist to work on my fear of men, so I know where the fear comes from in some respect. But the craving for his attention has been getting more prominent. He makes me feel safe and warm, he makes me feel like I’m a child again but not one who is going to be hurt by him. At the same time, it freaks me out and makes me too anxious to think. I’m embarrassed about every single thing I fear.
He knows about what happened broadly. He has responded in ways that I didn’t even know a person could. I play with the idea of telling him more details because of how kind he has been but the humiliation of it all silences me. I don’t know why I feel like a child (I’m 24 years old) but when I do, it’s not in a bad way. In a way that maybe it was supposed to be all along.
I haven’t confessed this to him yet and don’t have any plans to. I fear he’ll take away the warmth because I’m too attached or weird. But I think about him every day. I fall asleep ‘talking’ to him in my head. I imagine getting comforting words from him when I’m upset, but never actually do it.
Has anyone else felt this way? Is there something wrong with me? Should I be terminating therapy?