Hello, first time posting on here. I'm currently struggling right now regarding my sexuality. Ever since I was young, everyone around me including my peers always talk about crushes, love life, and romantic stuff. It didn't really sparked my interest since I was more obsessed with games and such. This had been going on until now. Currently I'm 16 going on 17, but I've encountered situations that questions whether or not I'm aroace or just liked the label.
Like I mentioned previously, I'm not really into topics regarding romance and such. But I am not sure if I ever did had a crush on someone. When I was grade 5 there was this girl in my class who was smart, artistic, and had the same interests as me. I thought I had a crush on her at first but I never had thoughts of dating her or marrying her in the first place (even though I had internalised homophobia during that time). I just find her really cute and really appreciated having her as a friend. Looking back at it now, I was thinking maybe I was only aesthetically and platonically attracted to her?
Then when I was grade 9, our section was merged with another section in the middle of the school year and I saw this girl I found really pretty—let's call her Jane. I decided to add friend her then I noticed she's also an artist like me, so I made the first move and complimented her drawings through messages. It was formal at first but we got along great and exchanged interests. My classmates and peers told me it looked like I was inlove with her because of how I kept talking about her, talking to her all the time, getting along with her friends and allat. I never really thought about it because I just really find her cute and wanted to befriend her. The last day of our grade 9, Jane told me and her friends that she has a crush on this certain guy in her section. I don't know why but my heart kinda sank. I pretended up front to Jane that I was fine and I started teasing her about it. Then as soon as I went home I skipped dinner and cried the whole night. I didn't know why I cried but people around me thought I was jealous. Maybe I was jealous. But I don't think I've had some romantic and/or sexual attraction towards her. I just suddenly felt different.
After grade 9, she and I still stayed in contact and spoke alot more. Then grade 10 came. Somehow Jane was my classmate and we became alot more closer now. But the thing is, things started becoming a little more intimate between us. We're more touchy, flirty, and clingy to each other. It went at one point we almost kissed but I held back since I got uncomfortable, plus someone interrupted us. Alot had happened and I think it got to the point she liked me more than a friend. My feelings for her did changed eventually. Rather than being platonic, it felt more emotional. I felt that I wanted us to be more than friends but less than lovers. I researched about it and learnt about Queer Platonic Relationships (QPR). This part of me really wanted to have a QPR with her but I held back because I think our feelings for each other isn't the same. I didn't want her to feel bad so I slowly distanced myself. As much as I want a QPR with her, my ass was too much of a coward to tell her everything. Maybe because it would ruin our relationship?
When I slowly distanced myself to her, I befriended this guy—let's call him Joseph. He was one of the people in class that I was chill with aside from Jane. But boy... let me tell you.. things got messy when I started hanging out with him more.. I have two other guy friends during those times, Jay and Ethan (fake names again), Ethan and Joseph were friends since they live in the same neighbourhood.When Jay and Ethan visited my classroom, Ethan and Joseph recognised each other. Long story short, we made this discord server involving the four of us—Me, Jay, Ethan, and Joseph. Things were chill and fine, we kept playing games together until one Christmas, Joseph greeted his crush merry Christmas only for her boyfriend to reply to him. He felt rejected and told us at the server, during that time I was struggling with something personal and couldn't really react much but Ethan laughed at him for being rejected. Joseph got mad and started arguing with Ethan. Things got Chaotic so both me and Jay decided to stop the argument. Then it became quiet. I told Jay to console Ethan while I go console Joseph.
Something important to note: Jay and Joseph aren't close, so it would be awkward if Jay tries to console Joseph instead.
So we did our job and consoled them. The server began to be silent and both Joseph and Ethan were visibly angry towards each other. I asked Joseph if he could apologise or would he accept Ethan's apology but he said never. Jay and I asked Ethan the same thing, he said no. Personally, I find it quite childish because why on earth are you two fighting over something so... simple..? Yet you two wouldn't want to make up over THAT? Of course I didn't told any of them that and kept it to myself and thought maybe there's more to it that I don't know of. Still, I try to balance talking to them and to Joseph incase things gets worse.
Until one day, Joseph and I were walking home together(Note: I was mentally tired due to personal stuff that day) and stumbled across Ethan who is biking. I tried to distract Joseph by showing him something else but he immediately walked up to Ethan and argued with him about christmas. Ethan was so confused and defended himself. I wanted to break apart the fight but my dumbass was laughing at the corner because of how stupid their fight was. Eventually, I told them to stop. When Joseph released him, Ethan looked at me in disbelief, but I told Ethan I'll talk to him later. Ethan then biked his way home without replying to me. I felt a little more exhausted as that happened. When I got home, I immediately texted Ethan if he's OK and wants to talk about it. He said he's fine and doesn't want to talk. I felt bad but I wasn't in the right mind to do much about it since something personal happened to me.
Eventually, I started becoming more busy because we have cheerdance practice after school (it's a project) and alot more group projects to do. Those days were mentally, physically, socially, emotionally, and financially tiring. I had to walk to the meet up place and walk home back to back those entire time cause we needed to save up money to pay our choreographer, costumes, and props. It usually reaches until dusk when I get home. I didn't really eat, had enough sleep, didn't spoke to my closest friend I talk to everyday including my immediate family for a month or so. I only speak to my classmates and just update my family through text if I'm at school, practice, and home. I still talk to Jane and Joseph those times but since Joseph and I goes to the same route going home, we're usually together. So we became pretty close those times. He was actually pretty helpful and did nice things so I felt really seen because that was the first time a male friend of mine actually becomes helpful even if im not my usual self.
Then one day, Ethan always avoids me whenever I'm around campus. I was too exhausted to think properly so I avoided him too since that's how he was acting.Finally he confronted me, telling me that I'm such a selfish person, I couldn't even bother to text him and apologise. I was so confused, what did I do wrong? He told me I avoided him first, but I dont recall avoiding him first when he clearly avoided me whenever Im around. We got into a subtle argument but instead of me defending myself, I gave up and just apologised because I didn't want to snap and be violent. I was expecting him to apologise aswell but.. nothing? Well.. I just shrugged it off and didn't think about it very much. But he asked me one question that confused me alot. "What do you really feel about Joseph?" It really confused me but I immediately said I see him as a friend of course. Though, it somewhat stayed in my mind.
I still continued the practice and such because we were really busy during those months. But my dumb mind told Joseph that I've been feeling different these days and having mixed feelings for someone because of one question. He got curious and I just let him guessed it instead of me pretending it's nothing (I can't do it💀). Eventually, weeks passed and he figured it out. So one day when were walking home from practice together, he asked if that person was him, I told him yes. He then confessed his feelings for me. I was surprised, that was the first time someone confessed to me upfront. Usually it's through messages and letters, so I felt pretty uncomfortable. Though, I rejected him immediately because I don't see him that way. He somewhat rejected me too because he's respecting me and Jane. I didn't really say I have romantic interest in him nor felt any of that around him but I did feel mixed feelings about him.
After all that happened, Ethan and Jay messaged me again because I'm not talking to them lately and not joining their game nights. We got into more arguments but "made up" again because I'm the only one who apologised properly. When we graduated Junior High School, we got into another argument again and then I finally blocked them and went to a different school for senior high school (Grade 11 and 12)
I stayed in contact with Jane and Joseph that time so during summer I spoke to the both of them alot, but Joseph was being Subtly flirty towards me. I didn't felt comfortable with it but I just pretended to be naive. He even decided to take the same school I'm going for Grade 11 and 12, even the same strand too. Things were chill between us aside from him being flirty and all. Until things went downhill when grade 11 came and he ditched me for this girl in class. I felt pretty sad and cried about it when I got home. It actually went to the point that I vented it to my sister and bro in-law. I don't usually vent to them about these kinds of things since I usually keep is private but I was already at my breaking point. In the end we're both ignoring and avoiding each other this whole school year despite us being classmates for two whole school years.
I don't really know if my feelings for him were romantic but people around me says I do because there's no such thing as mixed feelings. I didn't really trusted their words since my peers aren't in the aroace spectrum and majority of them are Hopeless romantics.
Currently, my feelings for Jane are still there but I feel as though she had moved on and only sees me as a friend. I dont really know but I really am not sure if I'm truly aroace or im just larping. I do apologise if I'm venting here, it's just that I don't feel proud of being aroace anymore because of how im being dragged down and disrespected for being openly aroace when I was grade 11. Im turning grade 12 right now and I'm still confused if I truly am aroace or not.