This, along with meditation, is transforming and saving my life
A bit of backstory, I’ve been anxious and depressed without knowing why for most of my adult life (I’m 40 now) and lost my sanity about 8 months ago due to fucking around and finding out with psychedelics as an attempt to “fix” myself through magic mushrooms.
Soon after giving myself psychosis through drugs, I’ve discovered I’m no longer able to work and be independent so I’ve decided to quit my job (I was about to get fired anyway) and move back with my parents.
Slowly, by some miracle, I’ve slowly managed to come out of psychosis and I’ve been doing IFS by myself for a number of months, alongside meditation (insight and loving-kindness) because I was sick and tired of being depressed all the time and having suicidal thoughts all throughout my day, maybe this will help I thought.
I’ve was so scared at first to uncover this repressed pain burried deep down inside and I had no clue what I was doing.
Slowly and surely, over time, I started seeing more and more that there is nothing to be scared of, it’s just my mind, why would I be scared of my mind?
Progress started happening to various degrees, some days I would bite off more than I could chew and had to learn to slow down and titrate but soon enough I found a pace that my nervous system was comfortable with.
My biggest breakthrough happened yesterday when I sat down to meditate and then I found a part of myself, so small, innocent and defenceless like a baby in the crib but covered in something that resembled razor-sharp thorns but I couldn’t bear to go near it at first due to fear of getting hurt and impaled from the spikes.
It was crying, angry and alone and the cries had seemed to turn into anger, that anger turned into anxiety in the form of razor-sharp thorns, as to say “I’ve been crying for so long, what if no one will ever come check on me?”
Scared as I was, I decided to sit with the baby and let it know that it’s safe now, I’m here and I will never leave, whilst I was working up the courage to pick up and hold the spiky, hateful and angry baby.
I picked up the baby, rocked it gently back and forth and kissed it on the forehead letting it know it’s safe and loved now.
Then POW! Like a flash, I snapped out of my meditation and my legs started violently shaking to the point that I couldn’t stand or walk for a good minute and I felt like I was about to throw up but never did.
I felt exhausted for the rest of my day and just done whatever to get through it.
I woke up today and first thing that popped into my head was “Oh great, another day, here we go again!” but somehow everything feels different, I feel lighter, there is less overall tension in my body, my anxiety seems to be mostly gone and even though I still feel exhausted…
I generally feel better mentally than I have in decades.