Stacking Small Victories — successful convo with my wife about something that’s been irritating me for years!
So spurred by another member here, I’m going to offer up a small success story, because yes we Autistics do succeed once in a while, lol. Hopefully it inspires you on some level.
My wife, bless her heart, is generally an anxious type, and it really reveals itself when we’re driving. She’s riveted to the GPS screen, forever concerned that I might miss a turn or go the wrong way, and often cues me to turn. Moreover, if traffic suddenly changes or we need to come to an abrupt halt, she will hurl her arms up and/or brace her knees as though we’re about to get into a wreck.
As for me, I’m a very good driver, but I am inattentive of the GPS at times, in spite of the huge screen and the blaring audible reminders, so sometimes I miss a turn or turn somewhat abruptly at the last minute.
Last night during a trip to pick up food, she told me to make a turn (which I correctly refused bc it was the wrong way) and she braced 2 different times, in dramatic fashion, when she thought other vehicles were too close to us.
Now I fully recognize with my rational mind that her expressions are not intended to be critical of me or my driving. Yet, they practically feed my inner narrative that I always mess up, I can’t do anything right.
Last night, after the aforementioned, I explained the practical effect on me of her actions, noting that I realize she doesn’t intend to have this effect on me. (Let me be honest — I began with a bitter snark and laid into her a bit, which just made matters worse as she denied the pattern of behavior. But then I course corrected.) I proceeded to admit that I’m sometimes inattentive and explained that her cues would be better received if conveyed more gently, while also noting that sometimes she might be better off just letting me miss the turn (it happens mostly when I’m with her bc i think an expectation of a reminder has developed). As for the gestures where she braces herself, I asked her to be mindful of how dramatic she’s being. Most notably, I shared that I experienced her as looking for mistakes to call me out on.
The result was a real win-win. We communicated and heard each other well (the above is abbreviated), and it was a successful opportunity for me to share an example of my inner dialogue (defective narrative) with her. We hugged when we got home. I felt understood, cared for, and loved, and she felt great about putting some salve on my wounds. It also felt good to own my side of the ledger. The fact of the matter is, I have more of these types of needs than does she.
A final note: I’m recently diagnosed and had I not read Unmasking Autism, I never would have been conscious of the fact that these interactions are as much about my perceived defects / inner narrative as her words and actions.
I hope to continue stacking similar successes as it becomes more habitual.
And apologies that such a simple exposition is so damn long. My economy of words sort of sucks, lol!