Discovered this subredit very recently and started reading posts to compare my relationships and (absent of) boundaries to other men in my situation. Came here to better understand my problems and be sure to navigate them as best as i possibly can.
For context:
Im an only child (son-now 32Y) of an overprotecting single-mom and since i was born she was my whole world and vice-versa.She is currently a pensioner (70+y old) coming from a full day job as a doctor with a lot of underlying health issues mainly due to diabetes managing it for 40+ years.
Since 2019 my serious relationship of 4 years came to stay with me in the city i grew up in(she is now 33Y old),after we both finished university and had to find jobs.We started living together in a small apartment that was owned by my mom and was actually in the same floor and building with my mom's house. Their (Mom and SO) relationship was amazing at first, the whole time we were long-distance and she came over to visit me every 2 months or I her.
It was supposed to be temporary until we find a more suitable place for us. Then COVID hit and all the restrictions that came with it, along with bad paying jobs, rents rising and us feeling trapped there (couldnt understand it at first cause it was convenient for me).Along with the spacing problems came boundary problems. We didnt find time to see each other as much as we'd like due to our newly found jobs being in the way and on top of that we had my mom overly on top of us with matters of food, visiting her more often, going out with her, and things just got better for a time when we tried to explain our situation and then immediately gotten worse again (mom feeling neglect while my SO needed space).
It came to a point where i felt i was handling both relationships wrong and had to talk to a psychiatrist about it. He told me that I am projecting my mother's problems / worries/ insecurities even her distrust to my SO , that there is lack of boundaries between them and i also caught myself feeling guilty for oversharing talks with each other to each other cause i thought that would help but only made the situaton worse. I then unfortunately couldnt continue the sessions due to money problems. My lack of pointing boundaries caused the mother to be intrusive to our relationship, feeling the need to navigate it and make choices and suggestions for me while also starting to criticize how SO was handling herself around me, matters about how we split our chores and stuff.
It came to a point where she would even question my SO about her intentions with me.(Gold-digger vibes? Manipulating vibes? Always instilling doubt on my choice of her and that's what mainly drove me to see the psychiatrist) I myself always trying to justify mom's actions, trying to see WHY she had those thoughts regarding her future DIL and accusing my SO of not being as close to my mother as before, always pressuring her to do small things like lets say good morning to MIL or lets see how MIL is doing today.Just never on my SO's side.She is now starting to be aware of her MILs overbearing-bulldozer nature.
At one point we were out on a nearbly town and my mom WITHOUT asking intruded to our apartment to clean it and "help us".There was a fight and we tried to explain why that was very wrong, invasive and to this moment she still doesn't understand how invasive that was. That was also when we decided to change the lock and not give her a key.
Time passed and the situation didn't change. We were still in that same apartment and i managed to find a better paying job but the rents kept rising and we didn't want to dump money on something we didnt own. That is when we decided to stay here a bit longer(further damaging our already bad spacing situation, small privacy and feeling enmeshed,FOG, all that good stuff) until we manage to finish building our own home and go live there. Of course the building that was housing our new home belonged to my mom but i myself own the apartment. When we announced to her that we wanted to finish that apartment she immediately threw us the idea of living above us in the future. We obviously turned it down because it was invasive , pointless, needy, and if all of the above reasons didnt matter then i wouldnt allow her even only for the fact that it would have to be built on the 3rd floor of a building with no elevator and no rails on the stairs!!!...She (my mom) feels neglect yet again. Oh my son doesnt want me in his life and its all my DILs fault because she rejects me and that's not my son talking and all of that garbage spiraling in her head every time she was alone.
Now comes the good part.
My father comes to visit and wants to know what are we planning for our future (marriage?kids?) and starts pointing the need of my mom to see a grandchild like my SO is some kind of birthing-machine only there to satisfy the needs of her MIL.We have a big fight over this matter where i try to explain that we are not the same family, we do want our families to be behind us and supportive, but NOT on top of us and controlling. I state that me and my SO are only looking forward to moving out at the moment and that the aforementioned matters should be up to us and US alone to decide the if's the how's and the when's.MY fathers answer ? "Then we are not a family". Of course we aren't! At least not in the way they envision it.
My SO starts talking to a psychiatrist after that whole conversation cause she couldnt handle the emotional pressure, she is at her limit. Any bit of stress in her life(even work stress) is enormous, depression sinks in, IBS syndrome skyrockets and a need for me to understand her side and stop justifying my mothers actions based on HER needs, HER wants. She starts getting medication for all the above. She even came to the point of wanting to build another wall between her and MIL. That was the wall of not wanting us to give my mother a key of her own building because she could not trust her to keep a healthy boundary.
For clarification we already decided that the keys to our apartment were ours only. We are now talking about the key that opens the entrance to the building which houses my apartment. The building that is owned by my mother.
And thats where the tension broke. My SO explaining to my mom that while we understand why that may seem odd to you, we need space to assert our boundaries / wants/ needs but again my mom is just hearing "we want to lock you out of lives and your own property". My SO even offers to help tidy her hoarding-driven house (did i mention she is a hoarder also?) because it was suffocating her to the point of not wanting to live there and wanting to bring stuff over to the new building's underground floor (or was it just another excuse to invade our new home? Im still not sure...).
Three days of inventoring pass and my mom wants to talk to me. She now reveals to me that for 6 months now, she cannot find specific valuable jewelry in her own room (which she locks) and starts accusing people that have lived in the house, mainly my SO and her little sister(18Y). I say that the first one that she needs to point the finger to is herself and her own non-organising nature. Then she accuses my SO of taking some old things without asking , for our new home (like plates, sheets and stuff) while my SO rejects the accusations cause she knows my mother and wouldnt even think to take anything without asking.She also clarifies that she asked and my mom said yes and that she only did it for us to save money and for her to feel less suffocated by all the stuff in the house. A big fight erupts and accusations fling to each other like rocks from the trebuchets of Minas-Tirith. My mother accusing my SO of manipulating me in every way she sees fit and my SO cannot believe what she is hearing, telling her that i am a child and that her house is a total mess and that the only way i grow up is us leaving this place and that she cannot take these accusations anymore.
She now wants to break up cause she feels dead inside, living a life she doesnt wanna live. I am speechless. I try defending her but nothing was enough. No one could talk calmly anymore so we leave. I feel a hole in my soul. As if the ground beneath my feet suddently vanished. How do I navigate this situation ? We needed both to see her psychiatrist after that just to mend our own thoughts and feelings and we then set the boundary of my SO and my mom not seeing each other again for who knows how long....
My SO and I are devastated about the situation and she feels the need to move forward and go to our new home as fast as possible (currently about 1 month away from us being ready to move there).
I have no clue of how to handle my mom. Part of me wants to not explain a single thing just because of how awful she's been to my SO and also because i tried to explain time and time again to no avail. Another part, sees how distorted my mom perceives this retarded triangulated mess of a relationship and wants to clear the FOG and see each other the way I see them both. With love and understanding. I recognise my faults and trying to grow from them. Send help.