I’ve dated a fearful avoidant before and recognize some overlap in behavior with this new girl, but I’m afraid of confirmation bias and I’m only seeing why I want to see. If this girl just wasn’t into me, please let me know. We’re both women, btw - for context.
We texted for a couple weeks. She escalated the entire time. She messaged first, asks to text first, asked to hang out first, escalated the texts romantically, and sexually right up until the morning of the date. She was super into me. On paper we are ***perfect** for each other. She’s everything I’m looking for, vice versa.
We had a good time, we were clicking and laughing, and then she wanted to go kind of abruptly at 8pm on a Saturday night (she picked the time slot, but was all of a sudden “so tired”, so we left with full second drinks. I walked her to her car and on the way she said she wanted a second date and i was skeptical and told her i don’t have many dates that want to go this early, she stood firm on the second date (even on a date where i know there will never be a second, i still stay for more than a drink, so it felt like deactivation to me.) But then at her car she said she wasn’t feeling it (we obviously had a good time, she even said it in the texts below), then said there’s still a question mark. I said I don’t do hesitation (was dating an actual fearful avoidant a few years before this - I attract them apparently, and don’t put up with confusion from anyone anymore) and if you don’t like me now, you probably won’t, and then said goodbye.
I didn’t think I’d hear from here but got these texts, which were not necessary:
>So basically her at 12:30am (she wasn’t buzzed she had one drink):
Turns out I was more buzzed than I realized. Needed it to wear off a bit before I could text. Most importantly, want to say that I wasn’t lying at any point tonight! I’m impressed and delighted by you, and I enjoyed the hell out of time with you. I wasn’t feeling a physical intimacy spark though—for no rhyme or reason. I wish I were, because you seem like you would be a dream partner in many ways that I don’t often come across. So much so that I needed to check in with myself about how I was feeling. I apologize for the suggestive texts before meeting. My level of sexual attraction is fickle enough these days that I should stop getting ahead of myself. I’m sorry for being misleading ❤️ If you are open to hanging out platonically at any point, I would genuinely be delighted to do that and return the treat of drinks/dinner
>Me, five min later:
I appreciate you being honest, and I had a great time with you too. I don’t think I’m the right fit for something platonic, but I wish you the best
>Her 9:30am:
Fair enough ❤️ Thank you for a lovely time and best wishes to you, too, with everything from dating to professional pursuits and horseback riding. If you’re ever open to it, I would love to cross paths again by fate or around queer community, politics, urban village making, anything else
I thought it was especially weird she was rejecting me, but called me a dream partner, and in the same text tried to lock down another hang out. And I feel like even though I rejected the friendship, she pushed AGAIN more gently after it even though that should have been the end of the conversation.
If she is fearful avoidant, I’ve seen that movie before and I did not like the ending. I chose friendship with the last girl I dated and she breadcrumbed me go four months, getting all the affection and support she needed, making me think there was a chance, giving me enough hope to keep me hooked, but ultimately starving me of any romance or commitment. When I started to push harder she lost it on me and called me delusional and selfish. The break-off text was so similar to this new girl’s overshare. It felt like I was being set up to the same “friendship” trap that absolutely destroyed me three years ago.
What do you guys think?