All our mutual friends have been kind and that's somehow made it harder not easier
We broke up six weeks ago after two years and the friends have been exactly what you'd want them to be, checking in without pressure, not taking sides visibly, inviting me to things in a way that felt genuine rather than obligatory. Two of them texted within the first week, one of them took me to dinner, nobody has said anything unkind about either of us in my presence and I know because I've been listening for it in the specific way you listen for things after a breakup, that low frequency monitoring that runs underneath every conversation. They've been good. I know they've been good. It's making me feel worse in a way I couldn't have predicted and couldn't have explained before it was happening to me.
I think what's hard is that their kindness keeps making the loss feel real in a fresh way every time. Every check in is a reminder that there's something to check in about, every dinner invitation with a slightly adjusted group dynamic is a small proof of what changed, every person who squeezes my arm and says how are you actually doing is handing me the weight of it again right when I'd managed to put it down for a few hours. I was playing on my phone last Saturday before a group thing and almost cancelled three times, not because I didn't want to see them but because I knew that walking into that room was going to feel like something and I wasn't sure I had the capacity for it that particular night. I have some money saved up and I briefly considered just booking a trip somewhere to get out of the city for a week and away from everyone who knew us as an us.
The version of this I wasn't prepared for is that their kindness also makes me feel like I'm supposed to be further along than I am. Nobody has said that, not even close, they've all been patient in a way I don't think I've fully thanked them for. But there's something about being well taken care of that creates its own pressure, like the support has a shape and I'm supposed to be moving through it toward something and some weeks I'm not moving toward anything, I'm just in it, and the kindness just illuminates how in it I still am. I don't know what I'd prefer instead. I just didn't expect the hardest part to be the people doing everything right.