Is my friend alexithymic?
I just googled alexithymia to understand this guy who basically "became' my best friend.
*I just read up a lot more and everything is falling into place. i think he has hyperempathy and alexithymia type II
- often tells me he doesnt know what he feels but describes physical discomfort and restlessness
- doesnt feel comfortable to talk abt feelings even when he tells me he doesn't feel good. Often tells me 'i dunno' when checking in on him (i always thought he doesn't want to talk abt it, never realised was a literal I dunno)
- told me he can't watch sad movies cos he can't bear them
- told me to stop telling him more than one painful memory at a time because its hard for him to bear
- his strongest word to describe something bringing him joy is 'nice', associates caring with worrying, sometimes I find the emotion word he uses to describe a situation strange/atypical
- i always felt his personality had this calmness and understatedness, very rational and detached except wheb smth triggers himv occasionally and he gets v upset. It was this strange calmness and logic that drew me to him during a crisis and i feel really grateful so I kept staying even when I was confused by his behaviours.
i was completely bewildered because he texts me everyday, greets me every morning and often goodbye every night. He usually loves to share abt his day, his problems, things he found funny. Every small thing but maybe abt 30% of the time he would ask me how my day was, and it often felt strangely... Uncurious. Yet he could spend a lot time just bearing with my yapping (yes I am likely adhd and with rsd too) Sometimes i feel he doesn't care abt me at all. i knew he had difficulty making friends and doesn't have any other friends, and I had some suspicions that he might be on the spectrum without realising it. He doesn't like going out, so most of our connection is through text. But he appear to value me enough to accommodate going out once in a month or 6-8 weeks.
Recently, I got hurt abt smtg he said and withdrew for a couple of days. I did explain why I was upset, and told him I need a couple of days before returning. I knew from prior experiences he does not like being ghosted so i made sure to explain its my rsd, I need time.
When I returned, his response text to me was angry and confusing to me. Said he was used to me being around all the time, and me just withdrawing and not being around made him feel lousy and he couldnt work.
Then he started saying my emotional reaction to his words were too strong, we were just casual friends and I shouldnt get so upset abt what he says and we should talk to each other less to make it more healthy and that MY emotional attachment to him was too much.
I was totally confused - why would a person who was emotionally attached to me enough to be upset abt my absence also now accuse me of being TOO attached? i asked him that and he said he didnt examine or realised this earlier and now he realised the way I described our friendship is very strange to him. (We been talking regularly like almost daily for a year)
I asked him if he ever had a friend like me before - that he would talk to daily, morning to night - and he said no never, and that "it was kind of nice" but he concluded it was not good for either of us and we should diversify.
I think somewhere along that conversation, I had clarity. All the warmth I noticed from him was him mirroring ME (he even told me this before, its not fair I listened to things he found interesting so he tries his best to ask me back), now I suddenly realise why it felt so empty and uncurious.
And at the same time - I suddenly realised he didnt even KNOW he was emotionally attachdd to me too - probably a shock and inconvenience that my absence became a problem that he felt he needed to troubleshoot.
And all the other stuff he told me/i observed just fell into place: he told me hugs do nothing for him, he told me he wished to have friends, i thought he "held space" for my difficult emotions but realised he probably didnt know they were difficult at all. He just basically stayed stoicly through them.
And then I realised, maybe he has alexithymia. I wondered if it was a spectrum - he definitely can identify negative emotions but very very few positive emotions. His life seemed to be mainly filled with bad memories. His joy is often very related to tangible experiences like a good meal.
He doesn't even... Know.. and i just feel my heart broke for him a little ... Even as I know I better protect my heart better too.... I can't really see him being able to really build close friends with.. anyone... Which is why he couldnt really make real life friends....., and.. i think, I didnt realise it at first cos I was used to caring for loved ones who have other mental health issues, and neurodivergent too... So I just kind of accepted him for who he is...
I wonder how to really support him in a way ...I can protect myself too..... Would appreciate advice...