Update on clinical MDMA treatment (2 months on)
Hey everyone,
So it’s been almost 2 months since I completed my last clinical MDMA treatment which I wrote about here: https://www.reddit.com/r/mdmatherapy/s/7uwAdVMHcn .
So I wanted to update on what’s going on for me.
Ive had some more experiences since then.
It’s mostly been very difficult mentally, I am fatigued, have insomnia, and I’m super depressed.
I have managed to identify a few factions of my brain:
There is this EXTREMELY stubborn, insidious and persistent ‘other person’ or inner critic. This controls so much of myself, almost all of my identity has and is being suppressed and controlled by this thing.
I think of it several ways:
• One is this metal cage which is inside my stomach and throat, like an internal metal skeleton that has latched itself like a parasite.
I tried to imagine it being removing and I visibly gagged, trying to purge myself of it.
• another is this barrier of my mind which blocks all positive and progressive thoughts. It monitors everything, EVERYTHING, every thought every action.
• and another is this ‘other person’ since my trauma I feel trapped in the body and mind of another person. It won’t allow me to live the life I want. I’ve lost my identity, I do things to please others, I do things to satisfy this other person or thing.
I have been thinking and I believe I have some kind of dissociative PTSD, or even maybe DID (although I’m less sure about this).
However, the experiences:
Overall smells and sights feel more 3D, whenever I smell smoke there is this strong trigger.
It’s kind of like my brain has rewound to before the trauma, when I actually had emotions and felt stuff like happiness.
I’ve been having these brief, but consistent feelings of happiness or relief or something, like everything is ok, that I’m enough and that things will get better.
There have been a few instances that have arisen:
• A week ago I was driving (passenger) and there was this mounting feeling, like a warmth, with these feelings of resilience and power that spread from my stomach and chest.
It brought up this happiness, which felt detached.
Then when we stopped at the lights, I stared at the back of the car and concentrated on the feeling and the powerful emotion rose up, and I felt as though the world would flip itself, suddenly revealing the actual world, the world that the trauma and PTSD had hidden.
This strong feeling has persisted until now (less tho), but it feels like if I concentrate hard enough on something, the world would flip 180 degrees.
• Today, when I was home I had this strong desire to hug something, and also to purge myself of this horrible and persistent darkness.
I tried to scream and wave my body and to do something that would relieve this inner critic.
Despite these experiences, none last, and I feel like it’ll be a constant and possibly futile battle with my inner critic, just because it is so strong and omnipresent.
These ‘openings’ come at a cost, because I’m battling to keep my inner critic away, but it inevitably takes over.
Because I’m so fatigued at the moment, I can’t concentrate or lean into these experiences as much as I’d like because it’s just so mentally exhausting.