r/PsychedelicTherapy

I'd welcome any comments or ideas about my situation, because I am floundering.

I'm enrolled in a medically supervised Psychedelic Assisted Therapy for Depression programme. I've had 2 doses of psilocybin, the first 25 mg and the second was 30mg.

Both times, I had zero psychedelic or hallucinogenic effect. My blood pressure went up, I had waves of mild nausea, muscle cramps and headaches, enlarged pupils, so the drug was active in my system for several hours. But I had no visual hallucinations, no ego dissolution, no floating feeling, no mystical experience - I knew who I was, where I was, who was in the room with me; the furniture, walls and surroundings etc all looked completely normal; I could speak sensibly and coherently the whole time. After about 5 hours the physical symptoms receded and I was back to normal. The psychiatrist sitting with me agreed that I had not displayed any signs of being on a hallucinogenic trip.

Their theory was that I had a psychological defence which was holding on tightly to reality, and resisting the effect of the drug; because I was unconsciously scared of what might come up. But I WANTED to have an uncontrolled experience, I was as psychologically prepared as I could be to completely let go and confront any repressed trauma; in fact I was yearning for it.

We cancelled a possible 3rd session because it didn't seem to be going anywhere. But now I am at a dead end. Psilocybin seemed my last, best hope after several decades of Treatment Resistant Depression.

Someone suggested that a session of 5-MeO-DMT might help dislodge the block in my brain that is preventing me going with on the trip. But 5-MeO-DMT is not legally available in my country, I'd have to travel overseas to get that, which is not very practical.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Or been able to get past it? Very grateful for any insights.

EDIT: A huge thanks to everyone who has responded, I'm quite overwhelmed by your kindness and wisdom. I'll try to respond to each of you, but a big collective "THANKS!! 🙏❤️

I wanted to take mushrooms because of some emerging evidence, according to what I read anyway, that they could help in depression and anxiety disorders, with potentially even a single dose, for long periods of time. I felt stuck and that nothing else I had ever been prescribed or tried had ever really done anything. I had read a lot of the clinical trials that have come out and to me the evidence seemed very promising that it might work, at least for a lot of people. I also was curious about “ego death” experiences of unity, of oneness with everything, that I had read a lot about, and which seemed to have a lot of overlap with Eastern religious/spiritual ideas of enlightenment, of permanent cessation of suffering, based on my understanding of texts I had read along with many stories and articles online over a period of a decade or more off and on, firsthand and otherwise. Anyway, as for the day of, when they started to take effect, under supervision from 2 guides..

The first thing I remember was that there was a picture hanging on the wall of the room I was in of a monastery on the side of a mountain and it looked like the picture was moving, alive and breathing. That there was a tiled face (like on a computer wallpaper) with some repetitive pattern appearing in the corner of the mountain and moving around, not visible when sober.

It looked as if the light beams from the sun were diffracted into rainbows coming through blinds through windows into the room. I felt this kind of slowing down of everything, of uncannyness, of spiraling or swirling of everything. I wondered what “anxiety” really even meant, and in some apparent flash of insight noticed that this feeling of fear or anxiety I was experiencing even now seemed physically and biologically identical to the feeling of excitement, only I had all my life been processing and categorizing it differently under this category, and it had never occurred to me before. That maybe people who enjoyed fairly extreme activities like skydiving felt and loved this same sense of fear I was having right now, whether or not they called it fear or excitement.

I put on the provided eyeshade and headphones with some classical music playing, just reclining in some armchair. It all took effect so quickly, had to be within 20 minutes or so. I had these powerful colorful visions, fractals and things over a black void. Rainbow colored snakes, or fibers of some kind, twisting amongst each other and writhing and having this aliveness. I lost the sense of being or having a body, no longer felt like I was just watching some sort of show or daydreaming or anything or that I was looking at this just in mind’s eye with the eyeshades on. Rather it felt like I was really in this imagery, not centered and looking at in front of me like the way sobriety feels or normal visual imagery feels, but a part of it. Out somewhere in deep space, or outside of the universe, I was looking at some kind of a red plane suspended in nothing that seemed to contain everything, or something I had never seen. A book with writing in some language or script I had never even seen appeared super imposed over it and I couldn't understand. Other letters appeared out of nowhere in the void in this superimposed everywhere.

But then I started to get this creeping sense of dread, like I was facing actual annihilation, or going into some kind of vast self-imposed mental hell or labyrinth where I might spend however many millions of years subjectively, or several infinities, or whatever, lost and without the use of my own mind to think my way out or get through it. Of being totally untethered from everything I had ever learned or thought about the universe, about control or the sense of having a body and being able to exert my will upon it to do things, even to organize my own thoughts and work things out logically or execute a goal. Just this overwhelming sense of fear and dread and apprehension about whatever I had decided to put myself into, and not having realized what I was in for.

I felt it was too much and I took off the headphones and the eyeshade and tried to ground myself in the room. I could more or less see as normal, visual aberrations like I mentioned with the painting aside. I paced around the room intermittently between sitting or lying back down, and noticed similarities in the lacquered hardwood floor and that right angle counter design for the kitchen and the dining table and the doors and windows, all the generic luxury condo or other heavily produced types of dwellings-like things that seem the same everywhere, and so many places from my own life. This room seemed before my eyes to morph now into my own apartment, then to one of the houses I lived in as a young child, then another, every place I had ever lived or stayed in while on vacation or visiting, all sort of transforming in a way of recognition of similar patterns while simultaneously also somehow not really changing at all. Just it seemed that everything was always just some mere projection of my own mind, without really even that much variety to it. More sameness than variety.

Above all though I felt, oddly, a sense of clarity and awakeness, as if my entire life before this point had just been some sort of strange dream and this was the ultimate and true reality behind everything I was now sensing and abiding in. I had a sense of feeling I was on the verge of some kind of total ego death or annihilation even with eyes open; there was some sensation of clouds and a voice, which I took to be an inner voice of conscience or deeper understanding, telling me I still had too many attachments and wasn’t ready for the real thing, and that there would never be any coming back from it. I wondered about religion or how some people perceive or see God on psychedelics or different things, and briefly rehashed some of the conclusions I came to as a teenager. But to me, I didn’t really perceive any great force outside of myself, only things coming from within, in this moment and others.

I noticed that I felt like a young child again, as in my earliest memories, where everything feels new and big and scary and uncertain, and everything is unknown and possible. I couldn’t even remember my own name fully, with some struggling for several seconds it came back to me but it felt artificial. Profession, role in society, everything else, this physical body, nothing really seemed so important or like any of that was really who I am.

I still had some insights and introspection going. I wondered about depression, and what it really even means. I began to feel very badly and thought about what I had considered to be a mental illness called depression that I was seeking relief from, and what I expected a drug experience could really even change about it. At this moment it felt for me at least not so much as an illness at all, but more of a kind of avoiding responsibility, a desire to do nothing but the bare minimum, and never really try to make things better or make a change, but to receive recognition and all the rest anyway. I felt like I was, unknown to myself but to this moment, actually a kind of a narcissist and that it had never occurred to me before. Like this whole narrative I had constructed about my life and everything else was a form of self imposed pathetic nature and self imposed helplessness, created to manipulate others into taking up the responsibility and burdens for what I would not.

Perhaps this was actually obvious to most people, they easily saw through it. And only a few friends/family out of their own goodness and selflessness or empathy really believed in this narrative about myself that I had manufactured and put out there. Only I really believed in it as well, up to this point, and no one more strongly than I did. It wasn’t a conscious kind of putting the wool over people’s eyes, I had fooled myself as well. And I felt such a great shame about all of this.

Somewhere in the thought loops it also occurred to me that what if I actually did just have autism even though it had never been something I sought a formal diagnosis for, that there is this just this sort of fixation I have over so many things and this great mental wall between me and others that maybe I just can never get over. I wondered about entertainment, and why I am so driven toward video games and playing the same ones over and over, one in particular for the past few years. Something about mostly wanting to dive into and understand all the ins and outs of some trivial system or game, just for the thing itself. I could think lucidly, or so it seemed to be, about so many subjects, but at this time I remembered vaguely the sort of words about them but not what it was actually like to play video games, or what the purpose of “entertainment” was at all, in any form, when everything is already so demanding and gripping of our attention at all times everywhere, like just sitting in a room with our own thoughts, or engaging with others, or whatever else.

In one repetition I felt this powerful attraction to one of these guides, the woman, even though the other was her romantic partner and also there. I felt outside of time and that nothing else even existed, and that that and all other apparent obstacles, the hangups maybe everyone feels at some time or other as to a kind of attraction not meant to be fulfilled, or against many social norms, say to one’s own professor, in this moment where somewhat illusory. That if I could just explain it in the right way, somehow both of them would agree and somehow some spiritual union or consummation would take place. But even as warped as my mind was at that moment, ultimately I felt somewhere in my mind that this might cause some form of great discomfort even to say anything about or try to act on, and that the noble and right thing was to keep it to myself and focus my mind and efforts elsewhere.

I wondered if this depression or whatever else was actually just a wholly accurate and honest appraisal of the state of affairs of the universe. That others in my life had been gaslighting me into thinking I had some great potential and that this was something I needed to overcome in order to do better, and if this might not itself be the only problem I had. Not some thing, for me, known by the word of “depression”, but of taking to heart what others close to me in my life had tried to convince me, in the name of love or having my best interests in mind but that if they were not just themselves misguided and deluded, and harming me despite really trying to do the exact opposite.

I also wondered about the suicidal ideation I had sometimes, and how much it scared me and how I tried to suppress and avoid those thoughts. That the fear I might some day act on it had been the thing most of all that encouraged me to try to find treatment in the first place. Why had I avoided this subject most of all? What if that impulse was right, that continuing to live into old age or just for itself only inevitably formed an unending network of attachments, unfinished desires, goals, things undone, that I didn’t actually have the power to make the world better and that it’s become too difficult in this modern world with all the concentration of power in the elite? Mostly I always pushed those thoughts away because it would be too hard on my mom, especially with just everything that had happened in our lives. And I still somewhat felt that now, though there was a sense that eventual death could still be a calamity later/at any age. I knew my dog would miss me, but then again I’d also miss her after she is gone some day. But then it occurred to me that what if death wasn’t the end, that this universe according to me anyway had come essentially out of the unknowable, and that another Big Bang or whatever else could happen again and again forever? I had this great sinking and disconcerting feeling that all of this had already happened before, that the universe has just been repeating forever and will repeat without end, even though I didn’t think that I could remember any kind of past lives. That maybe I was just living the exact same life, doing the exact same things, and remembering at all in this moment now on mushrooms. And it was a great weight of a revelation to try to come to terms with, and scared me a lot. Or maybe I did make some changes here and there, and things happened very differently, and most times I never realized this truth at all, or maybe for the beginning of infinity up to now I had always done things this way, and that it wasn’t scripted and I could actually make a change this time for the first time, or any time, but I never seemed to quite find the courage to break out of this routine and this exact progression of life, with all its ups and downs, and failures, and everything else to it.

I had some great urge to call an ex, that despite being competent at using words in many instances, as simple as it was I had failed on so many times to express in words what I had felt toward her, including at the end. Had simply let myself be dumped without the least verbal pushback or attempt to convince her to try again, and that maybe if I called her right now despite such a long time of no contact she would agree and with a new energy toward it we would try again. But this too I felt even in this state ultimately was a bad idea, and I should not do it.

Time seemed to loop, or stand still; I asked one of the 2 facilitators, or spirit guides, or whatever you might call them (who for the most part just sat there passively apparently not paying much attention, unless in brief intervals I engaged with them), how much time had passed several times. During one of these thought spirals and chains of introspection that seemed endless, I was told less than a minute had passed since the last time I asked, which seemed impossible. I felt like I was going insane and the whole world was fake; what if I was in a padded cell somewhere? What if this was present state of apparently greater awareness and insight was now the way things would happen forever? Having realized the truth, maybe I was now subjectively trapped in this state forever. Just a looping of endless pacing around the room, lying down, things resetting somehow, going to the bathroom, drinking from a glass of water which seemed difficult because I couldn’t remember which hand was left or right and it took some effort to work out the complexities of manipulating arms and hands in order to do it. The guides told me that this is just what it’s like to be on mushrooms, that this is all how it is for everyone and everyone feels this way and goes through this same experience on a high enough dose. And that it would eventually end, and in fact pretty soon.

I felt that this might not be true; many people describe it as just the most beautiful and indescribable experience they have ever had, of unity and everything else, and I did have some brief intervals of this but there was a lot of darkness and baggage and some great insights but much fear too and despite everything from the beginning of the trip, this often seemed to dominate more than anything else. Even pacing around the room, in the brief intervals of eyes being closed with every time I blinked, I saw tiled patterns of TV-like or computer screen-like individualized squares with different events happening over a black background, next time some view of like a dollhouse viewed from the side, with different levels, then faces of certain political leaders who were the worst people I could think of on the planet, and how they laughed at everyone else and pretended not to have the power to make things better, that they manipulated people into thinking everything was someone else’s fault but their own. How divisions based on fear, of walling off certain types of people from each other, or certain experiences, literally with prisons and war and all the rest, metaphorically within myself with trying to compartmentalize and wall off or hide certain emotions or parts of myself. I felt that I was everything and everyone, everywhere, and I didn’t like it. I wanted to change everything, to reset the whole universe, but this time to make it one of kindness instead of the one of evil I perceived, that I felt some sick unconscious part of my broader self, not tied to this body or mind, had created. I was so ashamed at the evil I now felt I had created, but I felt that maybe if I could purify myself of the darkest of thoughts and impulses, those I didn’t want to admit or pushed away, and exist as a force of good, that the whole universe would follow. And that self-destruction was not the answer either, as it would not form a real escape but rather just I would incarnate in much the same or another body, or continue consciousness in some form anyway, so maybe there was a way to get by in this form, even just day by day.

Anyway, I did eventually come out of it, after 6 hours or so total, and things feel more or less normal, but it has taken a few years to process and write this all out. I have made some changes in my life for the better I think, and things have a certain new softness to them now, and it’s easier not to get stuck in some ideas or not to be so bothered about them.

I want to know if any of you took psychedelics with the intent of getting rid of your low self esteem, feeling repulsive attractiveness wise and like a loser there whole lives.

I recently completed the training portion of the natural medicine (specifically, psilocybin mushrooms) therapy licensure in Colorado. In fact, I have my license now! Though I still need to do my practicum, which is in two weeks!

I'm anxiously excited!

The setup is they'd a group of 15 of is, but we're broken into triads. Over the course of days 2 ,3 and 4, (one and 5 are prep/ integration) each person will have a chance to be the client taking the medicine, the Facilitator, and an observer. I'm scheduled to take the medicine on the 3rd administration day.

So I'll have two trained people (who happen to have been in my course and I like) in the room with me, as well as several very experienced people nearby at all times.

Given that this is a very safe environment and I'm already paying for it anyway, it makes sense to me to take advantage and do a higher dose.

The thing is, I am also fairly inexperienced with psilocybin. Have done a handful of trips in a "museum dose" range and found them helpful.

So, I definitely want to do at least a "therapeutic" dose.

And I'm considering going even higher and towards a dose level likely to go to ego dissolution.

It does seem like the setting is about as ideal as could be for a high dose.

And I figure there's real value in having "been there, done that"for when I'm working with clients who may also want to go that far.

I do have an intake scheduled with another natural medicine therapist on Monday, so I have someone on board to help with integration if/as necessary, kinda just in case.

I don't really have any major trauma besides typical 80s parenting spanking. (Not great, but i also wouldn't say it escalated to abusive.)

While I'll have the therapist to talk to, as well as the practicum guides to help make my decision, I am curious what other more experienced people have to say, like thongs to consider or whatever.

I'll be happy to follow up after the session, though I may need a reminder!

As far as intention, I had thought about several things to work on, but then I realized it seemed that there is an undercurrent of persistent low level low self-esteem. So I'd like to gain insight into that.

Many thanks!

As I'm reading more literature and articles on psychedelic therapy, the advice/info on audio recording your trips has come up.

I have yet to record any of my trips. During my last solo trip (2.0g of magic mushrooms) I was doing a lot of shouting. I obviously don't remember everything I said, but I remember what I think are the important parts. I've thought about recording myself and listening to the recording a day or two after the trip.

What's everyone's advice and experience on audio recording your trips? Helpful? Is it "too much" hearing yourself in retrospect? Better to "Be here now" and not have any recordings?

I went to an ayahuasca retreat a little over a year ago. During the ceremonies I saw myself living a different life from the one I am living now. Free, grounded, in nature. A version of myself I loved.

Now I am stuck in the opposite. A long commute into the city, corporate work culture, loud noises, a boss who yells at me, boring and pointless work that I'm not interested in at all and adds no impact to society. An office I feel trapped in.

One day I went for a walk during lunch and sat on a bench overlooking the water and Manhattan (I work on the other side of the river in Jersey). I felt so empty and disconnected. Everything felt meaningless.

Aya made my misery louder. It showed me my future, and I am not living it yet. I know it takes time, but it almost feels like sitting on top of a gold mine and not being able to dig. Or being able to dig, just not at the pace I want, because of the job, because I am way too comfortable, and because I get distracted a lot, with friends always pulling me into the city. Good is the enemy of great right? My Sunday scaries have turned into Saturday scaries. One short week, I was cutting fruit on a Thursday night and felt the Sunday scaries hit two days early. This is how bad it's gotten.

Obviously my situation is not as bad as I make it out to be. I work from home two days a week, I have extra time, and I get a full salary in the meantime. I say I'm grateful, but I don't actually feel it. Part of me just wants it to end already so I can move forward. I know it is time to get uncomfortable, but I am scared of that too. Deep down I know I will handle whatever comes next, but it is still scary.

What I am torn between is, should I learn to be grateful and make peace with where I am, or is feeling this way a sign that I should make the leap and not look back?

So, yeah, i know what some peoples might say: it's not magical, you need to do integration ect. I did it. At least i tried. I have BPD, ocd, dystimia, and sometimes MDD episodes.

I begun to do psychedelics 2 years ago. At first, it helped me, i felt much better. I stopped antidepressants because i felt like it was not working on me. I tried a lot of them. At the time, i was obsessed with someone who cutted ties with me, and it was my priority to get ride of this obsession.

Shrooms definitely helped me to get ride of the urge to contact them. It gave me a lot of usefull insights. My depression got better for a year. I continued the "DIY" psychedelic therapy, yes DIY, cause i'm in france. But i tried to be as close as possible from the protocole, talked about my experience and insight to a therapist, integrate them ect. It has gone well for 1 year.

But today, i had a lot of insights, but my depression and ocd got worst... I'm really tired and all, i'm thinking of taking SSRIS again. Maybe it helped me for a time but not anymore ?

Maybe i did something wrong despite the fact that i did my best to do it correctly? or maybe it didn't helped the way i expected like... my issue is more complex than i though and it needs more time, more integration and more sessions, because thanks to psychedelics, i discovered my ocd and a lot of things, maybe that's why my state seems worst for know, because it unveiled some issues i couldn't see, i don't know...

Also, i never experienced an ego death, because i'm too afraid of "going insane" because of my OCD...maybe it's also the problem ? I can't let go? I don't know... I tried, lsd, mescaline and psylocibin. Maybe i need to combine psychedelics AND SSRIS? (Already tried, ssris didn't reduced the effects. I'm aware of the serotonin syndrom...)

I'm aware some random redditors can't give medical advices, but i would like to know your experience, if it already happened to anyone. Of cours, in the end i'll ask my doctor before making a decision...

But as my doctor don't know a lot about psychedelic therapy because i'm in france, i'm just asking for your experience.

I am planning a formal series of psychedelic guided therapy sessions. I have quite a bit of experience with psychedelics and am excited to dive in deeper than I can or would take myself.

My guide suggested I bring photos related to my intentions and an item to join me on the journey and serve as a symbol of the work. I immediately thought of a stuff animal for the comfort but was curious if anyone has any suggestions of items that have worked well for them?

I’d also love to know about anything you brought that you found valuable during sessions or items that you wish you had.

Hello, I was recently accepted into a clinical trial for psilocybin/rTMS for treatment resistant depression (TRD).
And well, I’m nervous. I went through two screenings— one where they screened for TRD and another for general health. I passed both and now I have scheduled my two week period where I’ll actually *do* the study.

The premise is this: There’s two days of therapy/prep, then I get either 1mg Comp360 psilocybin or 25mg Comp360 psilocybin, followed by two more days of therapy or “integration”.

The following week, I’m there for 10 hours a day for 5 days where they give me either real or sham rTMS. They’re trying to see if the combination of those two treatments makes for a more durable long term treatment of TRD.

Here’s the study info for those interested

Here’s what I am wondering— what the hell is 25mg of pure, lab synthesized psilocybin going to be like? What would be the comparable equivalent in grams of shrooms??

I know I will get to talk to my team when the study begins, and I could reach out to them, but I’m wondering what experiences people might have out there, in a more informal way. I have only been able to find two records of ppl talking abt their experiences on 25mg comp360 and they both sounded pretty scary and negative and maybe I want to hear some more positive experiences? I feel pretty desperate for relief, but scared this might make things worse somehow.

So, my story in short: 6 years ago I had a microdose(!) of lsd , which triggered DPDR for 10 months... I was in a living hell. My dpdr magically disappeared one day, after I prayed and I accepted a sudden grief that came out of nowhere for the loss of my mother(who is still alive and well). Since then, it comes maybe once a year for a day or two. So, although I don't have dpdr for the last 5 years, I feel the potential in my mind/soul to go to this direction.

At the same time, I am struggling a lot in my life with relationship anxiety and lack of direction/purpose and I really believe in the power of psychedelic healing. I 've always felt a very strong call for ayauasca, but I am wondering if mushrooms are safer.

I know that there are more incidents of psychosis during Ayahuasca ceremonies, but i think it might be because the standard dose of aya is as potent as 4-5g or mushrooms. So, a smaller dose of Aya could have the same danger as 1-2g of mushrooms. What do you think? Do you agree that this could be the reason why aya is more dangerous ?

Hi everyone,

I wanted to ask if anyone has had similar experiences or perspectives on this.

I’ve noticed that in my normal day-to-day state, I tend to be in a pretty constant background of worry and mental tension. It feels like a baseline mode of anxiety and sadness that’s always there, even when nothing specific is wrong. I have negative mental chatter so mode is always avoiding people, worry about work, family, and a LOT of not being confident and always worried about failure and what people think.

On a few rare occasions, I’ve had experiences with LSD and MDMA in social / dance settings, and during those times I feel a very different mental state.

There’s a sense of clarity, emotional openness, and relief from that constant internal worry loop. It feels like I can see my mind more clearly and step outside of it. And I get my confidence back, almost like an innocent child. I think this is more due to the MDMA but candy flipping seems to have a longer lasting effect.

What’s interesting is that after these experiences, I don’t just feel different in the moment — I often feel better for several weeks afterwards, as if my baseline anxiety has shifted or loosened temporarily.

I am taking antidepressants and realised I started to feel like they were numbing my emotions and reducing my sense of drive and emotional range. These experiences also made me reflect more on how I was feeling while on them. So I'm quitting that path.

I’m not looking at this as “escaping reality” or anything like that, but more trying to understand how I could use this maybe from a therapeutic perspective.

I never took like large doses of psychedelics as I have very much respect and fear over it, but I'm learning more and more this is the way to save me. therapy alone plus anti depressants is turning to make a bit more damage than good, but it was a path I had to do.

How often could this be done safely, and also whether anyone else has similar reports or experiences of how they improved their lives.

I have ADHD doing disciplined nervous system work over indefinite span of times feels like a sci fi fantasy to me. I’ve heard that cannabis helps with dissociation and often time people get panic attacks, at this point that would be a progress to me.
Have you come out of freeze on purpose or accidentally through using any type of substances/psychedelics to come out of freeze/shutdown not just for the duration under influence, but also afterwards

I've been looking into the relationship between psychedelics and dissociation, and after reading a bunch of studies, I came to the conclusion that psychedelics often bring up buried trauma, but if what's brought up is too much to handle, dissociation kicks in, the psyche file it away, and no healing happens. In my own experience, the trauma is brought up during a psychedelic experience or/and manifest after a psychedelic experience in daily life. And similarly the dissociation can manifest during the experience or after. Dissociation itself is, of course, a range, from just feeling numb, to shutting down, to experiencing derealization, etc. I am no psychologist, just self educated, so if I get it wrong, please let me know.

One way to go about it is to bring up less (eg take a smaller dose), have safer set & settings, and another way is to work on what was brought up to integrate it. I would like to ask about the last part, about ways to integrate it on your own. Having an integration specialist is a luxury that many of us cannot access. I know basic integration ways, the ones I do, like participating in integration circles, sharing with friends and family, writing and reflecting in a journal, even using AI. Of course, talking/writing is a first step to meaning making, then one have to act on the insights to make it a change in daily life. Eg depending on the insights, can be to be more open to others, work on self acceptance, express more one's needs/stand up for oneself, etc. I am also doing some practices like hiking in nature, taichi, aikido, meditation, even doing psychotherapy, but I am doing that regardless of having a psychedelic experience or not, these practices are not integration, are they ?

What other ways help to integrate, and not let the experience go to waste, specifically to prevent dissociation. I've heard that somatic practices help. But it sound too simple. Like having a crazy psychedelic experience, then doing a few yoga sessions, and calling it a day?

Am I missing something ? What can I do to expand my psychedelic integration practices ?

I work as a licensed mental health professional. All identifying details have been removed or changed for confidentiality. I have a client with severe CPTSD, anger issues, and very poor boundaries and self-awareness who has been accepted into and is progressing towards completion through a very well-known psychedelic facilitator training program. This person should in NO WAY be doing this work. On no planet and in no multidimensional universe is this a good idea. As someone who has worked with CPTSD professionally, it is as obvious to me as sunshine that this person has major trauma. It stuns me that they were accepted into any training program in the first place, and that ZERO protective guardrails have kept this person from working towards completion of the program, that no one screened for this and had the guts to tell this person "you are not ready for this program and until you've done a lot more work you should not be sitting with others". Because all health information is protected, and there is no immediate danger to self or others. I cannot legally disclose anything. I can't contact the program and say anything. If this person earns their certificate, I cannot stop them from practicing legally. There is no consumer protection, there is no board to make a complaint to. This is maddening and indicates how off the rails this whole psychedelic industry has gotten. This person is going to do harm, period, and I'm so angry that all these programs need butts in seats to pay tuition and keep their businesses afloat. The capitalism and dazzling glamour of psychedelics is so, so fucked up. (I am in the US)

A few days ago I had a 5g psilocybin experience. At some point my friend mentioned he could "see the rhythm of conversations" and in that exact moment something clicked — I felt it too, instantly and completely. Conversations had rhythm like music. Not metaphorically, literally. The flow, the pauses, the tempo, the emphasis — it all became musical.

During the experience it was extremely clear and vivid. Now, a few days later, the effect has faded but it's still there at a lower intensity. I can still feel it.

**The most interesting part — and I want to be very specific about this:**

People feel like different instruments to me. But NOT based on their personality, their energy, or who they are as a person. It's based purely on *how they talk* — their pace, where they pause, how they stress certain words, the rhythm of their sentences. Each person has a kind of sonic "tone." Some conversations feel good rhythmically even if the content is an argument. Some conversations with people I love feel off just because the rhythm doesn't flow well.

It's like two people can have completely opposite personalities, but if they talk at a similar pace with similar pauses, they "sound" like the same instrument to me. And someone I deeply care about might "sound" off just because of how they structure their sentences rhythmically.

I also noticed I can now tap rhythms to music with my fingers in ways I couldn't before.

**Questions:**

- Has anyone else experienced this — conversations feeling like music, either during or after a trip?

- Did it stay with you? For how long?

- Do you also perceive people as having a different sonic "tone" based purely on how they speak, not who they are?

- If you know of any similar posts, studies, or documented experiences about this specific phenomenon, please share them — I've been searching and can't find anything exactly like this.

On the way to the airport a few days ago to get ready for a 4 day ibogaine stay. I got really anxious given the risks, so when I got a call from Southwest saying my flight was canceled i took that as a sign. But i had a psylosybin retreat i was going to goto instead so it wasnt the end of the world.

I spent those few days preparing. The day came to fly to Mexico where the psylosybin retreat was at. On the way to the airport, the outside noise got too loud to blind me from logic and reason. At the last minute, I changed my mind and decided not to go. I ended up rescheduling and canceling my flight twice. When it said it refunded me, i was under the impression it was to my debit card but was to my points instead. So now i have 1,600$ in Southwest credit. Its honestly impressive just how badly i self sabotage.

With psylosybin its the fear of psychosis that really has its claws on me. With ibogaine its my fear of letting go at all of my ego that makes it nearly impossible to follow through and the risk of death too.

When i follow through with one option, the "what if worst thing happens" thoughts wont let me rest therefore deflecting to the other option just to fall into the same thoughts. Indecisiveness leading to no resolve.

Thinking Ill forever damn myself with the outcome beating myself up with the inevitable wrong decision.

If i do ibogaine then my ego will be so unforgiving it will only make this mental hell somehow worse. Or if I do psylosybin that in my fragile state of mind, with my psyche feeling like its collapsing on itself, that the outcome will result in psychosis or a fate even worse than death itself.

Fate had lined up the perfect opportunity and I missed my way out. Leaving me just overanalyzing every little detail, even further. I had the time off, the momentum, feeling the universe, God was laying out the path just for me to spit in his face. I had just the right amount of money, the time off of work.

Gaining momentum headed the right direction on the way to the airport the other day, What little life i had left inside me evaporated the second I turned back. A chance at something gone.

The other side of me knows its really not over, its just so overwhelming I keep psyching myself up, getting right there to turn put myself in a position to change the trajectory of my life around and chickening out.

Fear of whatever result I walk away with that if I try the other option that ill be too far gone for it to make a difference. I feel like an npc. If you look back at my previous post history you'll notice the shift in my posts between my last Panera post and the ones im making now. That shift slowly starting when I moved back home.

I just want to get back to that version of me that was posting when I was at panera. If hell exists it feels like im there

With that being said, im going to the ibogaine thing July 10th and at this point its just a hail Mary. With my desire to feel better and be better outweighing my fear of any potential bad things that could happen.

Fear that in my attempt to get better ill just end up even more lost. Fear that if i die im going to goto hell.

What substances have you tried? And did they help you (especially in the long term)?

As for me, I tried ketamine and MDMA at home just once, last year. It gave me some insights, but I still feel stuck, so I don't know if it's really worth trying again.

I also tried LSD, it didn't help me.

I’m thinking about microdosing psilocybin because I’m not sure if I’m mentally ready for macrodoses, but I’m afraid it won’t have a lasting impact and will just mask my problem for the moment.

Anyway, I’m curious to hear about your experiences with substances if you also have AvPD.

TL;DR: I grew up with narcissistic abuse and CPTSD and spent most of my life suppressing my emotions. Years ago, after doing mushrooms, I experienced overwhelming grief that lasted for months and only improved after my antipsychotic dose was increased. Recently, after accidentally stopping that medication, the exact same grief returned despite more than a decade of therapy and healing work. Has anyone experienced something similar? Could this be unresolved trauma resurfacing, a medication effect, or something else? I'm afraid the medication may be silencing something rather than resolving it.

Further details:
I grew up with narcissistic abuse and developed CPTSD, ADHD, depression, anxiety, social anxiety, and later a chronic illness that left me unable to work. For most of my life I survived by suppressing my feelings, needs, and opinions and constantly fawning around other people. On the outside I had to look composed to survive, and expressing myself wasn't accepted by my parents, which led to me being on my own with a storm of intense feelings on the inside, that overwhelmed, controlled and frightened me, because I never learned how to regulate myself, but at least they had "me on the inside" as a vessel.

More than a decade ago I went through a severe mental health crisis. Thanks to my parents constantly pushing positive thinking and "changing your thoughts" onto me because they got frustrated with my depression, I became obsessed with staying positive, reframing every negative thought, practicing gratitude and spirituality, and completely suppressing my anger, pain and sadness. Which, considering my backstory, was the worst thing I could do. Suddenly my true emotions were not even allowed in the vessel of my conscious mind anymore. But they didn't leave me, they just went into the pit of my unconsciousness and later manifested in my body and mental health.
For a few months I felt like I was in heaven, but eventually everything collapsed. Over time I developed more and more physical symptoms and health concerns, constant panic attacks, severe anxiety and grief, insomnia, gastritis, until I couldn't eat or shower anymore, and eventually ended up in a psych ward with severe underweight.

After a few years of recovery and becoming stable on medication, I started microdosing psilocybin, and over time slowly increased my doses. The experiences were all vastly different. Some were like opening a door to the joy and carelessness of my childhood. But one particular experience seemed to open the floodgates to intense and overwhelming grief, which lasted for months. I cried constantly and felt devastated by every minor disappointment. I constantly felt like I couldn't handle yet another disappointment. But it came, and I had no control of my feelings.
My psychiatrist slightly increased my antipsychotic, and the grief disappeared pretty quickly.

Recently I accidentally stopped that medication for about a week**,** which usually is no problem at all, it happens sometimes. But this time was different, when I reintroduced the medication I couldn't handle it. It got worse the second day, so I decided to stop and ask my psychiatrist if we could lower the dose. During that pause I became severly exhausted, developed flu-like symptoms, and the exact same intense and overwhelming grief from years ago suddenly returned.

My question is: Did anyone experience mushrooms unleashing intense grief for such a long time? Or could something else explain why the same intesity of grief reappears? Am I still suppressing my feelings or trauma?

Given my childhood I understand why the grief happened in the first place. But not why it didn't stop for months and made me completely unstable. I also worked so hard the past ten years, on healing, processing and releasing emotions and trauma, in slow and small doses, that I am able to handle. On integration. On somatic body therapy.
But seeing the grief return with the exact same intensity after lowering my medication makes me feel like I made no progress at all. And I wonder if beneath my medication I internally still suffer, without me realizing it maybe. I know medication is lifesaving, it helped me out of the worst episode of my life, it stabilized me so I can partake a little bit in normal everyday life again, and not feel miserable all the time without any relief. And maybe I'm overthinking this, but I kinda fear that there's a part inside of me, that I'm only silencing with medication, just like my parents did with me, just like I did with spirituality and positive thinking.

Disclaimer: I'm not looking for medical advice. I'm not saying it was a good decision or promoting unsafe use. I'm not against psychedelics, psychedelic therapy or therapy. This is just my personal experience.

im giving a talk next week on the concept of 'spiritual emergency' and how helpful or unhelpful people might find it as a frame if theyre dealing with post-psychedelic difficulties. curious to hear your experiences, thanks

I created a brief Patient Checklist to Vetting Medicine-Assisted therapy clinics and programs. These first questions are for the initial enquiry stage to help you determine if the program operates under strict safety standards or if they are cutting concerns on staffing.

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Who exactly will be in the room with me?

You want to know that the primary clinican is a highly qualified mental health professional (clinical psychologist, psychologist, psychaitrist). If the clinic relies solely on primary clinicians without foundational psychotherapy backgrounds (nurses, OTs, other health professional) to sit with you, this is a red flag.

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Will the prescribing Psychiatrist be on-site?

While new regulations allow the psychiatrist to leave, best-practice clinics keep medical oversight on-site or immediately accessible in case of an emergency.

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What is included in the fee structure?

Look for transparency. Ensure the quote includes screening, preparation sessions, the dosing day itself, and the mandatory integration sessions, along with how many sessions are included. Ask what the cost is if you need additional integration sessions and if add-ons are available. Lastly, you also want to know what the after-care plan is once treatment finishes, can they provide ongoing psychological support and how might that look.

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What is the physical environment of the dosing room like?

The environment directly impacts your psychological state. Is it a clinical hospital room, a busy clinic with people walking past, or a secure, quiet, and purposefully designed therapeutic space?

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Questions for the Clinical Team (During Screening) to help you assess if the treating team has the appropriate clinical skills to safely navigate your journey.

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How long was your training in psychedelic-assisted therapy?

Did they do a weekend crash course, or have they completed a rigorous, multi-year certification? Have they received specialised clinical supervision for this specific modality? Or receive ongoing supervision?

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What are your foundational psychotherapy skills, what modalities have you trained in?

The medicine opens the door, but the clinician must guide you. You want a practitioner with extensive, pre-existing experience in trauma processing, relational attunement, and somatic (body-based) psychology. CBT does not cut this cake.

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How do you handle psychological distress or panic during a session?

The team should be able to explain their approach to "containment." Avoid clinicians who say they will just "let the medicine do the work" or who rely on sedatives to shut down a difficult emotional process instead of therapeutically guiding you through it.

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What is your protocol for adverse psychological effects in the days following the session?

You need to know who is on call if you experience severe anxiety, dissociation, or destabilisation 48 hours later. Integration therapy is where the healing happens.

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Can you share an example of how you have managed an adverse event or difficult session in the past?

If a clinician claims they have never had a difficult session or that the medicine "always works," they lack the experience required to keep you safe.

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Note to patients: You are entering a highly vulnerable state. If a clinic or hospital's answers make you feel rushed, pressured, or like you are just a number in a business model, trust your instincts and seek care elsewhere.