Update on my original post: I ended it
This is an update to my original post here: Trust Your Gut
(sorry, I goofed up the first link, thank you to those that pointed this out)
Thank you all for your advice and comments.
Update:
I ended things about 6 weeks ago, and told her she needed to find another place to live (I own the house, she moved in 1.5 years ago). I wasn't mean, I was direct and left no chance of ambiguity. I told her that I cannot build a future with her because she has never once been proactively honest with me, never offered me anything I hadn't already discovered, and even then, she minimized what I found and piled more lies on top of the existing ones to save face. I told her I tried for three years to get clarity, some truth, so I could understand what these men meant to her and hopefully rebuild trust. Nope, she said sorry, I can't offer you any more information, you just need to stop asking.
She thought I wasn't serious, and waited a couple of weeks before realizing I was. THEN she wrote me long text messages, wrote me letters, claiming that NOW she is accountable, and didn't realize how badly she hurt me, and wanted to do anything to work on this. She didn't want our relationship to end, and was now open to me asking any questions I needed to move forward.
Why now?, I asked.
Because she realized she was losing me and couldn't stand the thought.
Which pissed me off even more - for 3+ years my pain and anxiety about what she had been doing, and the lies around them, didn't matter to her enough. But now, now that her life will change, and likely not for the better, now it matters.
I did not accept her offer of "accountability". I told her that one doesn't just declare themselves accountable, it is an action. I asked her to give me something, something that mattered, some truth that I wasn't aware of related to the men she had secretly been in communication with. Nothing. She said I "knew it all" already. I highly doubt that.
So, ultimately, she repackaged the same bullshit and put an accountability bow on it.
She is in the process of buying a home, and hopefully will be leaving soon. It is unbearable around the house during this interim time period.
She has contacted my family to tell them she will miss them, and she doesn't know what is wrong with me. Yeah, I told her that they KNOW all the details of what she did over the 3 years of our relationship, and to stop contacting them. They KNOW.
She tells her friends and family that she was blindsided, doesn't know what is wrong with me.
And the worse part, her poor kids are stuck riding this crazy train. They are innocent in this. She told them that she "told me some lies in the beginning of our relationship and I just can't get over them"
Yeah.
And now her social media posts are vaguely disguised references to me ending our relationship, how she now sees clearly and it must be something wrong with me... yeah.
I am so done. I am going to take some time to process all of this, and going forward, if ever there is another woman I think I could have a future with, we will be having a proactive discussion about foundational things like trust, honesty, and expectations.