We just broke up. And everything feels so hazy.
This hurts more than anything. And my head is spinning trying to balance keeping myself calm and crashing out.
My bf and i were together for over two years. I moved to his country last year. And we’ve had a lot of obstacles recently. One of them being, i cheated in the beginning and trying to make it work after that. It hasn’t been easy or healthy, but he still wanted to make it work and i did too. I love this man, and i really honed in on trying to make myself become a better person, more understanding, more patient. But eventually, i started cracking .
- the verbal abuse became too much for me at one point. The constant name calling, and arguments. I was focused on repair and rebuilding and he could only look at blaming me. I could see the anger and resentment and i begged for therapy. He tried it once with me and hated it, completely ripped me apart after and then said he didnt mean it.
- i moved out. I could tell patterns and cycles were repeating in arguments. And I wanted to stop that. But also thought we needed our own space to decrease conflict. It did help, to some extent. I started work again and my dependency on him decreased. It still wasn’t the healthiest dynamic but it was getting better. We got to have our days alone and then see each other, which helped us miss each other more. It also meant a lot of the verbal abuse did stop. It also, decreased me feeling like a housemaid, constantly cooking and cleaning for mynpartner. And getting backlash for asking for more help around the house.
- i couldn’t open up to my partner anymore, however. I couldn’t tell him when i was having depressive episodes. How lonely and miserable i felt. I didnt have any friends in this city. I tried to tell him when we lived together and he had told me i was wrong in the head. But I also knew, he didn’t open up to me about some things after everything had happened. I tried to change my ways of communication, from becoming defensive and to just listening to how he feels. That, in the end became harder and harder because i ended up being at fault for everything, when there was any conflict.
- he would become extremely mean, demanding and controlling sometimes. His attitude towards women became worse and degrading. He would belittle me, often played out as “jokes”.
- birth control. I was taking plan b almost every month and it was killing me. The multiple bleeds but also the emotional and mental side effects. The mood swings, my body, i constantly felt like shit. And he wouldnt understand, and make jokes about “waiting for the plan b to kick in” before i complain or get emotional. The last time we had unprotected sex, and i had to take a plan b. I told him i wanted to stop that because i couldnt take any more. He blew up on me about his finances and how its my fault and how i dont give a shit if im pregnant and he doesnt wish to worry about a kid. I reminded him, he doesnt even reach for protection. And sometimes he refuses to wear it. But he brushed that off as “ok well couldnt help it”.
we went camping this weekend. Ive never been and i was excited. He did do a lot of the work as, i knew nothing about camping but tried to help where i could. He was mean and rude at times. He slammed the door shut on me as i was walking out just as we left. I had to ask him to not be so rude. And at night, he started calling me names after i raised my voice to tell him to stop something, i asked him to stop doing multiple times. But i let it go for the sake of keeping peace.
We came home. Things were fine, we were both tired. We got take away and as i was plating our food, i misheard a question he asked. Which frustrated him. I decided to not eat and leave the house after he slapped my water bottle which was in my mouth. I told him i was going to go as he was not being nice. It ended with him telling me if i was to leave then to never come back. He started messaging me that i was never going to see him again, started calling me names again but also demanding to know where i was, who i was with. And it all came back to me. I told him he takes no accountability for the way he acts and he does not care when im upset. I told him i didnt end the relationship and he did. We havent spoken since we blocked each other.
My mind knows how unsafe and damaged the relationship became. But my heart is in so much pain. I really tried in the end.i wanted to marry this man.