I [19F] feel lonely and unimportant in my relationship with my boyfriend [19M]. How can I tell whether this is a rough patch or a sign that the relationship is no longer working?
I [19F] have been dating my boyfriend [19M] for about a year. We are both college students.
Since the beginning of this year, our relationship has felt different. I recently learned about attachment styles and think I may have an anxious attachment style, so I am trying to be fair and consider my own role in how I feel.
One issue is that he gives very little time to the relationship. Most days we only talk for around 20 minutes, and even then he is often distracted by his phone or other things. When we are apart, he rarely texts me first or checks in. I tried to accept this because we are both busy with college.
A few months ago, he started working closely with a female senior. She has a boyfriend, so I am not accusing either of them of anything inappropriate. However, she is very physically and emotionally close with some of the male members of the team, and it makes me uncomfortable. When I brought up my feelings, he immediately defended her and seemed more focused on explaining her behavior than understanding why I felt hurt.
Around two months ago, we had a major argument. The night before, he had been rude to me on a call. The next morning, I expected at least an apology or acknowledgment, but instead he focused on other things. During the argument, he said that my attachment issues were the reason I struggle with friendships, which was very hurtful to hear.
Another thing that has been bothering me is that I often feel lonely even while being in a relationship. Our relationship is not public, which I was initially okay with, but I have never really experienced things like dates, flowers, thoughtful gestures, or feeling like a priority. I am not expecting grand romantic gestures, but I do want to feel valued and considered.
At this point, I am struggling to figure out whether my feelings are mainly being influenced by my anxious attachment style or whether my needs for time, affection, and effort simply are not being met in this relationship.
For people who have been in similar situations, what helped you determine whether you needed to work on yourself and your expectations, or whether the relationship itself was no longer meeting your emotional needs?
TL;DR: I [19F] have been with my boyfriend [19M] for a year, but I often feel lonely, unimportant, and like I am not a priority. We spend very little time together, he puts in minimal effort, and recent conflicts have made me question the relationship. I think I may have an anxious attachment style, so I am struggling to tell whether my feelings are mainly due to my own issues or whether my emotional needs genuinely are not being met. How can I tell the difference?