u/Chemical-Procedure35

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I've been lurking here a while and I don't see many posts about "revenge" affairs. I've been thinking more and more about that (even though I'm not mad at her anymore) and I'm curious about others' experiences.

A while ago I discovered some shady behaviour between my wife and my now former "friend". It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but was a lot worse than it ever should have been. It had been going on for a long time when I finally discovered it. This was followed by lots of minimization, gaslighting and outright lies. It was hell.

I'm over the details of what they were up to, bit I'm still feeling quite a bit of humiliation from it. This went on for such a long time right under my nose. It's embarrassing how easily I was fooled by two people I trusted to have my back.

Since, however, I was briefly involved with a woman who was in a very similar situation. It was like being thrown a life preserver after a shipwreck. For both of us. Until she got a sudden wave of guilt and ended it abruptly.

At home, my wife has finally made me a priority. We are in the polar opposite of a dead bedroom now, but I still have some walls up emotionally. I'd like to be able to finally let my guard down and get back to what we once had and what we could still have.

Has anyone here gone through something similar? Did a revenge affair help, hurt, or make no difference in the long run? Did having some secrets of your own allow you finally let your guard down and be present in your marriage again? Did it help with the humiliation, resentment or heartbreak?

What do people here tell themselves about the other spouse?

I can understand how someone could seek out cheating on their own spouse. Neglect, abuse, betrayal. I've been there. That attention and desire from someone else is a real high. I'm struggling with rationalizing what this would do to the other spouse.

I'm not very experienced with this, but I'm not totally inexperienced either. I've at one time or another been on all 3 sides of a love triangle.

When I was young and dumb, I have been the other man. In those situations, I was trying to convince her to leave her boyfriend for me, not just sneak around. I had no moral issues with that. It seemed to be an honest intent.

More recently, I was involved in something with a married woman. She had caught her husband having (at minimum) an emotional affair with a coworker. I felt he didn't deserve her loyalty or my respect and I was completely ok with that.

I think I'd have a hard time screwing things up for a guy whose only crime is being a boring, predictable, golden retriever.

How do you compartmentalize this?

Will I just be playing life on hard mode by giving myself extra restrictions?