I was assaulted by my father
I have these dreams as an adult now and i wonder if its even real at all. I try to push them down with the constant intake of edibles or any sort of substance that passes my view. Every single day i wake up and its hard to breathe. Every nightmare or flash back is a reminder of my past. I cant forgive him. I live with them now and all i can think about is the past. My entire future seems distant and even impossible to imagine sometimes. I feel like im lost at sea. I feel like im drowning. When I was wee lil chap 💔. I remember being happy and bumbly and innocent. It seems far away now but i can still see it. I see how that boy was abused and told he was wrong and told he was a liar. He was told he didnt deserve anything he didnt work for. He never recieved affection unless it was being told to do something. He was only validated for being a tool of entertainment. Oh look at my boy hes so funny or naughty or cute. I was never seen as anything else. I felt like a clown. I felt like a fool. I also saw the boy that tried to fight back i saw the boy that never stopped trying to live his own life. I saw the boy that ran away from home and came crying back. What was i to do on the streets alone. I felt ashamed at how useless and pathetic i was. But i see how strong i was now. Im an immigrant to the US. My family immigrated here from fiji to give us a better life i was 6 at the time. I remember it like a blur and thats what scares me. Ive accepted thst its just normal for immigrant families coming from third world countries with incrediblely out dated beliefs will abuse their children to make them stronger and tougher i see that now. What i will never forgive nor ever forget cause ive tried. Oh my god i have done everything to forget. Ive been coked out of my mind for the fuck of it. Ive been high out of my mind and it works. It works for 6 hours and then its gone. And im left lying there miserably breathing. Its horrific. My family when they immigrated here in 2009 lived in this apartment complex or soemthing. It was a shared 2 story house i thinn idfk we lived near a apartment complex but we lived inside of this two story house where we lived on the top story and another family lived on the bottom. I remember beung taken into a room my father was in. I think his buddy was behind me rubbing my back. Whats blurry are my eyes looking at father. As if to block out the faxt my father did this. Like my mind was protecting me from a horrifyibg reality. I remember being "prepared" then used. I remember it felt painful. I remember being left alone adter the fact and feeling gross. I remember my mom had to shower me that day. I wonder if she knew. I dont know.