Need help with knowing if lesbian or not
Hey yall I’m currently fresh out of high school and going off to college, and Ive recently started thinking about relationships and who I truly like. For some background, in my entire life I have never been in a relationship. Honestly, for a while I’ve never even wanted one. Like I said I had crushed on men before, but they didn’t consume my thoughts yk? Like maybe one did in high school, but as I thought to myself more I couldn’t imagine being in a physical intimate relationship with them.
In my junior year, I got this game called Starfield where there were 4 romance options, 2 girls and 2 guys, and it didn’t matter the gender of your character you could date any of them. I ended up deciding I wanted to go with one of the girls, even going through the entire 2+ hour storyline so we could get “married”. I think I kinda like enjoyed it, because in the storyline she was liking me a lot and I enjoyed the fact that she liked me? In a way? I later had kind of a freaky dream with her, and that was the first time I thought about anything relating to sex.
For my entire life I’ve kinda just felt disgusted by the idea of having sex or being physical with someone. Like when my mom had “the talk” with me, I was immediately disgusted and I thought to myself “if I want a relationship, how could I ever want to do that?”. Like do people genuinely feel sexual attraction to guys, because I feel like I have never felt that.
Anyway, cutting to my senior year, I had another freaky dream, this time with Emma Frost from Marvel Rivals. The thing is, I kinda enjoyed it. Like I’ve tried dreaming about being with a guy, but it just felt…boring? Idk just uninteresting? Like being intimate with a woman just felt more fun? Like I said I am still somewhat wary of being sexual (I’m not a super freak) so enjoying being intimate with someone felt really crazy to me.
Now onto some things that confuse me, I’ve heard that a lot of lesbians will typically enjoy watching shows w/ lesbians or liking mostly women and lesbian characters. This is kinda me but also not. For all my life I’ve enjoyed mostly male characters (not in a romantic or sexual way) with my favorites being Gojo, Darth Vader, Levi, Jeff the Landshark, and so on. I just don’t typically get swept up into female characters except Hange (who is my all time fav) and Keely from Ted Lasso. However, then I watched Arcane in sophomore year I remember the relationship between Cait and Vi being a big fav of mine. I loved their relationship and chemistry, and was really dissatisfied with how their relationship went in season 2 in my opinion due to writing issues. But I also remember the sex scene in that season, and while I didn t like how it was set up I was kinda intrigued? That was my first lesbian relationship I ever saw really.
On top of all this, is it weird to want to be really close to a friend (girl btw). Like they are on your mind no matter what and you can’t help it. Like in a good way. This has been happening for a while I don’t know if it’s like in a friend way or a relationship way since I’ve never been in a relationship.
Also, this was probably during sophomore year as well, my parents were asking me if I liked any guys, but then my mom jumped in and said “it could be a girl”. I said no to both, but that one comment has really stuck with me. My parents are both religious, but not in the very homophobic way, they just dislike how much it’s being pushed on kids but don’t wish any ill will towards those who are LGBTQ. Which is why I thought this comment was strange.
Finally, sorry if this all felt really sporadic and confusing, I’ve just been really confused recently and it’s gotten to the point where I’ve looked up videos and quizzes. Anything would be greatly appreciated 😭🙏🏻.