r/AskLesbians

Hi all! Pls delete if not allowed or point me to the proper subreddit. I’m not really sure if I have the right vocabulary to properly express how I feel on this topic. Please correct me if anything I say reads as internalized misogyny or problematic. How do you know if you’re non-binary? I don’t really feel connected to the idea of being a woman. I don’t necessarily feel completely disconnected to the idea either. Im like on the fence I guess? Like the idea of being a woman doesn’t bother me, but I just don’t really care about it? Do other women feel connected to being a woman? I like my female anatomy and I don’t necessarily want to change that, but I’ve also wondered what it would be like to have male anatomy. I personally don’t mind having facial hair or man-like characteristics, but I do care about how people perceive me as a femme presenting person with those characteristics. I care about that more than I should and it def keeps me from being comfortable.

What age did you realize it ?

Any suggestions, anything would be appreciated, thanks

So my sister has been into C.Ai( Character AI) that a friend of hers recommended to her recently and has been addicted to it. I didn't really mind even though it is not really my thing until I saw one of the chat( I think the one she was talking to was named Ashlyn Banner or something along that). For some context she uses my phone since hers is broken and most of the time she falls asleep with it. I walked into her room to take my phone back and when I took a look at my phone, I guess she was chatting to an AI precisely an wlw one, I didn't really look too much into the messages because it's private, but it pretty much was like calling them baby and stuff and other chats which I presume were with women because of the pictures and feminine names. Now when I asked her what that was about she kinda just brushed it off? We are very open about talking about sexuality with her(the rest of family not so much), but it seems like she just doesn't want to tell me, I told her it was okay and that she could talk to me about it but she just doesn't want to. I was wandering how could I make her open up or is this just normal for some girls? I know my family isn't open about that stuff and my dad and brother are quite homophobic.

I just want her to open up, just any advice to make her feel comfortable or if I should back off a little bit for now

I’m deciding between the two and I’ve noticed a pattern between my straight friends versus lgbtq+.

I also like both equally on myself and can’t decide, curious what other women would like most ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and also which would read as more queer. again, I love both equally on myself so I’d be happy with either and I’m curious about other factors

only interested in people that do like piercings since I’m already pierced and gonna get one of the two done anyway, so if I get a bunch of “I don’t like either” responses it isn’t really relevant

Hello 29f , I’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years. The first year starts off like every relationship, having sex constantly and then tends to slow down which is fine. But in this situation it’s like once every 3 months if that.

I’ve communicated this to my girlfriend in a healthy way and asked her if shes okay , if we’re okay, etc and she said she’s happy and didn’t realize it’s been less frequent and talked of ways to work on it. Then still nothing really changes. I’m not pushy , I can take rejection , but these last couple of months have been hard. I don’t even want to initiate because I’m anticipating rejection. I have questioned if she is cheating, if she finds me attractive etc. (she’s not cheating)

It’s been almost a year of this repeated cycle. At this point it’s more of I miss the intimacy more than sex itself. It feels like a part of our relationship is lost and I’ve been doing the work of building intimacy other ways, but feel like I get nowhere.

I love my gf very much, I still do the little things that make her day and treat her like a princess. Our relationship is great except we aren’t having sex. In our most recent talk about it she said she has been stressed with work and tired and just doesn’t think about it as much as I do.

I’m not sure how to handle the feelings that come with this, I don’t want her to feel pressured. I’m starting to feel frustrated and unwanted. I feel bad for even bringing it up to her anymore. Im feeling more disconnected than ever.

What can I do?

This all started when I was going through a sexuality and gender crisis. For about 6 months I thought I was a trans woman and lesbian. So I joined a few subs. And quickly I realised I love hearing lesbians talking about women then men. Growing up I had heard a lot of men talking about women but it always felt sleezy? Like they loved what a woman was but when I hear lesbians talking about women it feels like there is genuine love of women. Not just the body but the personality, the person.

Unfortunately recently I realised I'm pan just with a strong preference for women and I'm agender. But now I feel like I'm a creep because I'm in these lesbian subs and I talked to these woman, many I call friends but I'm not a woman so I don't think I should be in these subs any more.

Recently having a conversation with my wife, and I realized after the election I really don't have much interest in guy friends in the south since many are maga, a good portion of the straight women I have had as friends turned out to have a crush on me or they think I do when I chit chat. Often same outcome with gay males. Not all the time, but I am awkward enough socially that the negatives outweigh the good ones in my mind probably.

Anyhow, look back I realized the most fun, low stress friendships seem to be the lesbians I had as friends. They are usually really clean, i dont have to worry about romantic entanglements, I never had a sister but I sort of lump them in the same category as I would my cousins or family mentally as far as not thinking of them as any potential partner. They are alot of time IME into some pretty cool outdoor activities and have good insights on stuff.

Soooo, it got me thinking and I don't know what to do with that info. I used to live in an apartment with a community pool and there were several groups that hung out but now in suburbia its sooo boring and hard to meet people, is there some non-encroaching avenues for me to make more lesbian friends?

Like I dont want to come off as like the 40 year old at a high school party sorta vibe. Anyways just curious, hope I didn't offend anyone.

Soo I F29 have been seeing this girl F36 for 2 month now. She is the first girl I have been seeing because till now i dated men.

The problem is that I can't figure her quite out. She's nice, smart and I love spending time with her, but I can not let go off a feeling that she's hiding something. She says she loves me, but I think she just wants to have sex maybe.

So the thing is I have a rule to not have sex with anybody before we reach our 3 months of dating. The guys I had a relationship with we're are cool with it and didn't make a problem.

She verbally says she ok with it, but then makes weird moves like we're go to her place and she's humping my leg, which honestly weirds me out or she's trying to feel how wet i am and so on.

It all weird me out but I tolerated it until my friends said something in the lines of: "Would you tolerate it if it was a guy?" and honesty I wound't.

Last night she send me a sound text message of her mastrubating and saying how she need me as in she needs to have sex with me. I told her she won't get it sending something like that. Then she said she's constantly waiting for somethings and that I dictate every move of our relationship which isn't true.

Who gets you all hot ?

I'm a teenager, and I don't have dating experience, but I've been questioning my sexuality. The past couple of years, I've thought I was bi, but over the past about four months, I've been questioning it since I've never really had a big attraction to men, and whenever I imagine a future partner, I struggle to imagine being with a man. Is this normal? Am I just confused? I can't really ask my parents since they're both straight, my mom is accepting but doesn't really help, and my dad would just blow it off since he's uncomfortable with anything related to the LGBTQIA+ community. I figured that it'd be easier to get non-bias answers online than ask people I know for their opinions

J'ai besoin de l'avis parce que je ne sais vraiment pas comment interpréter cette histoire.

J'ai eu un coup de cœur assez immédiat pour une fille que je connaissais. Un jour, alors qu'on discutait en vrai, je lui ai dit que j'étais lesbienne. Ensuite, je lui ai demandé quelle était son orientation sexuelle. Elle était gênée et n'a pas voulu me répondre ce jour-là. Plus tard, elle me l'a finalement dit par message : elle est bisexuelle.

À cette époque, elle n'était pas vraiment out et elle m'avait expliqué qu'elle était très timide et qu'elle avait de l'anxiété sociale.

Elle était vraiment très réservée. Au début, elle avait même du mal à me regarder dans les yeux. Quand on parlait, ses réponses pouvaient être très courtes et, parfois, elle mettait énormément de temps à répondre à mes messages.

J'avais d'ailleurs demandé à une de ses amies ce qu'elle pensait de la situation. Elle m'avait confirmé qu'elle pouvait effectivement mettre beaucoup de temps à répondre et qu'elle pensait que cette fille n'était pas très sûre d'elle. Elle m'avait conseillé d'essayer, tout en me disant qu'elle avait quand même des doutes.

Donc forcément, à l'époque, j'ai beaucoup attribué son comportement à sa timidité et à son anxiété sociale.

On avait également échangé nos Instagram et commencé à discuter de temps en temps.

Un jour, je lui ai dit en plaisantant qu'elle devait faire attention parce qu'à force j'allais finir par tomber amoureuse d'elle. Elle m'a répondu qu'elle était triste que je ne veuille pas tomber amoureuse d'elle.

C'est à partir de là qu'on a commencé à flirter.

À un moment, on a parlé de nos « types ». Elle m'a demandé quel était mon type et je lui ai dit que c'était elle. Je lui ai également demandé quel était son type, et elle m'a répondu que c'était moi.

Je lui ai ensuite clairement dit que j'allais la draguer, et elle m'a clairement répondu que ça ne la dérangeait pas.

Donc j'ai continué à la draguer.

Mais après un certain temps, j'ai commencé à sentir que ce n'était peut-être pas vraiment réciproque. J'avais l'impression que c'était surtout moi qui faisais les premiers pas. Alors je lui ai directement posé la question.

Je lui ai dit en gros : « Si tu n'es pas intéressée, dis-le-moi simplement et j'arrête de te draguer. »

Et c'est à ce moment-là qu'elle m'a expliqué qu'elle avait peur que je la trouve boring, qu'elle ne savait pas si j'allais la trouver intéressante, etc. Mais elle m'a aussi dit qu'elle avait envie de me connaître davantage.

Puis elle m'a dit que, si je voulais, on pouvait se voir le samedi.

Ce n'était pas « je veux te voir samedi », c'était plutôt « si tu veux, on peut se voir samedi ». Mais comme je venais justement de lui demander directement si elle était intéressée et qu'elle ne m'avait pas dit non, j'ai évidemment pris ça comme une ouverture.

Puis on devait se voir le samedi.

Le vendredi soir, on discutait encore normalement. Elle a ensuite pris son bus et, après ça, elle m'a envoyé un message pour me dire qu'elle ne voulait finalement rien avec moi.

Elle m'a expliqué qu'elle ne se sentait pas capable d'avoir une relation sérieuse, notamment parce que sa précédente relation avec son ex, une femme avec qui elle avait été pendant environ un an, l'avait beaucoup changée.

Je peux comprendre qu'elle ne soit pas prête pour une relation. Je ne lui reproche absolument pas ça.

Mais depuis, son comportement avec moi a complètement changé.

Elle est devenue beaucoup plus distante et elle évite maintenant mon regard. Quand elle me parle, elle n'est pas forcément froide ou méchante, mais elle me parle d'une manière tellement neutre et factuelle que j'ai du mal à la reconnaître. Je l'appelle « le style journalistique » : je peux lui parler d'un truc banal et elle me répond très calmement, très factuellement, comme si absolument rien ne s'était passé entre nous.

Et c'est justement ça qui me choque le plus.

Parce que pour moi, il s'est passé quelque chose. J'ai eu des sentiments, on a flirté, elle m'a dit que j'étais son type, elle a accepté que je la drague, elle m'a dit qu'elle avait envie de me connaître, puis tout s'est arrêté.

Et maintenant, quand je lui parle, j'ai parfois l'impression qu'elle a simplement appuyé sur un bouton « reset » et que tout est redevenu parfaitement normal pour elle.

Je dois aussi préciser que je suis quelqu'un qui s'attache assez facilement et assez rapidement quand quelqu'un me plaît vraiment. Et quand j'ai un vrai coup de cœur, je n'hésite pas à faire des efforts ou à tenter ma chance. C'est pour ça que je l'ai beaucoup draguée malgré sa timidité : je me suis dit que si elle n'osait pas faire le premier pas, je pouvais le faire.

Et dès que j'ai senti qu'il pouvait y avoir quelque chose de réciproque, mon cerveau est parti très loin 😭. Je suis passée de « elle me plaît » à « ça y est, j'ai réussi à draguer une fille qui me plaît » et je me suis énormément projetée. Pas littéralement en mode mariage et enfants dès le lendemain, évidemment, mais émotionnellement, je m'étais déjà beaucoup investie.

Et c'est aussi pour ça que je ne pense pas pouvoir être simplement son amie maintenant.

Quand je la vois, ma tête sait que je ne veux plus poursuivre cette histoire. Mais mon cœur, lui, espère encore un peu. Il y a toujours cette petite partie de moi qui se demande « et si… ? ».

Je ne veux donc pas d'une amitié avec elle, parce que je pense que rester proche d'elle entretiendrait cet espoir. Ce n'est pas une punition et je ne lui en veux pas : je pense simplement que j'ai besoin de prendre mes distances pour réussir à passer à autre chose.

Du coup, j'aimerais vraiment avoir des avis extérieurs : est-ce que vous pensez qu'elle était réellement attirée par moi mais qu'elle a réalisé au dernier moment qu'elle n'était pas prête ? Est-ce qu'elle était simplement ambivalente et ne savait pas elle-même ce qu'elle voulait ? Est-ce que certaines de ses réponses étaient une manière indirecte de me repousser sans oser me le dire ?

Et surtout : est-ce que vous avez déjà vécu une situation où vous aviez eu un flirt avec quelqu'un, puis cette personne s'est comportée ensuite comme si absolument rien ne s'était passé ? Comment avez-vous géré ça ?

I’m 33F and have been close friends with another woman online for about 1.5 years (we're both lesbians). We game and talk regularly and have become pretty close. We'd both love to finally meet in person.

She is in a long-term relationship, which I respect, and I'm single. She has invited me to visit and has dates that work for her. She said she'd really love for me to fly out there, but gave me a heads-up that her girlfriend is “extremely jealous” and would probably see me as “a bit of a threat.” Her gf wants me to stay in a hotel because she doesn't know me, which I'm totally fine with and understand. There's also a language barrier since her gf doesn't speak English.

My friend has been very reassuring and repeatedly said she genuinely wants me to come. She also said she doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable or like I'm putting myself in an awkward situation.

I'm trying to figure out whether visiting is a good idea. Would you go in this situation?

So we started dating april 2025 and sleeping together early may. By this point she had told me about a male ‚friend‘ she had kissed a couple times but that stopped around fall 2024 according to her. Now she’s telling me she had a dream that made her remember that she did go on a walk with him in march 2025 and probably kissed him. Now I remember her going on a walk with him after sleeping with me and when I ask her if she kissed him then too she says she doesn’t remember but doesn’t believe so. She knows how much I value exclusivity and honesty. She admits that she did lie a lot back then and isn’t proud of who she was but she’s started therapy and is changing now. That makes me feel like our relationship started on a lie. She says until now she had forgotten that he was much closer to our story than she thought. Apparently she forgot her own lie. She kept this guy around during our relationship as a ‚friend‘. She says she probably didn’t correct her lie after we got together because she didn’t think it or he was significant enough. We started out as ‚casual‘ at first. This is a huge breach of trust and it‘s not the first. Would you stick around knowing that she started therapy, is fessing up and admitting her mistakes?

Hello, so I am 33 and recently started finding myself comparing my life to friends and people around me. I am now starting to get invited to weddings and most of the people around me are straight and are starting families.

I am really struggling with the feeling of loneliness as i am currently single. I am going on dates, recently started talking to a woman, went on a date and had a first kiss which is looking good as I have really started to step back and say "what type of woman do i want to be with" rather than just being with them because they also like women.

Now i am having two thoughts in my mind, the connection with this new woman is not going fast enough, due to go on another date but not heard anything from them. I want to not push and make it easy (to some extent) but meaningful enough so i know it's going somewhere.

How do you navigate this "not comparing" mindset and how do you work on being ok with being single so you can remain calm when starting to date or get to know someone?

Edit for some extra context: I am really unsure about my attraction to men vs to masculinity. I think I have had one or two crushes on guys, and three-ish crushes on non-men, and I've only had one relationship (currently, with an enby lesbian). I feel very confused about whether it's because I actually liked them or if I thought that I must like guys because that's how Big Society says it should be (doesn't help that I live in a pretty conservative part of the world), and that I just liked girls in addition to it. I feel like being with a man seems very meh in my head, and even if I had a good connection with him, I don't know if I'd feel fully comfortable, vs when I imagine it with women, I feel more comfortable.
I also feel like some friendships I had with girls in the past were much closer to crushes, while with guys I just thought "I'll get married to someone like I'm meant to" or something like that. Idk, I'm just really confused, and I truly don't mean anything bad by this post. I don't mean to insinuate that lesbians can like men, I just came across the lesbian masterdoc when I started wondering if I was a lesbian, read it a few times and started wondering if the times I thought I was attracted to men was because it was comphet I mistook for attraction.

I previously thought I was pansexual because I thought I liked guys too, but now I'm starting to wonder if it might've been comphet because I could never really differentiate my feelings towards boy-crushes vs my feelings towards guy-friends. It just feels really confusing, and I'm scared to say that I am a lesbian, even though it feels like it might be a comfortable label for me. I just feel worried that I'm not understanding the nuances of the label properly or something, or because I've thought I genuinely liked men before I can't be lesbian, and I keep doubting myself. I also think I might be on the aroace spectrum, so it feels even more confusing because I can't really tell what is and isn't attraction.

I also know I don't have to label myself if I'm not ready, but there's a kind of certainty that comes with labels that I like, and I want to be able to know myself. I just wanted to share this, and ask if it's okay to feel this way, and if it's okay for me to want to identify as lesbian regardless.
Thanks for reading.

I am wondering if anyone has any tips to prevent the underside of your tongue from hurting so much after oral sex? I like to take time so I will be down there for an hour at a time or more but the bottom of my tongue scrapes against my lower teeth so much I can’t go down on anyone for like 2-3 days after because it’s so painful. Anyone have techniques or advice on how to prevent it or help afterwards?

Hi gays! so I've been doing some soul searching and I've come to the conclusion that I am most likely a lesbian and I didn't think that I would have such a strong reaction. I love being queer, I love loving women, I love my community. I've been openly queer since 4th or 5th grade and most everybody in my life has known I was super mega gay since I was very young, but up until recently I thought I was just bisexual. whenever I get reminded that I truly just don't desire men in that way I just burst into tears this hasn't happened in public or anything and it usually only lasts a few minutes before I'm able to calm myself down but it's very strange to me. although I'm from deep south my mother and where I grew up was pretty progressive so I really don't get why I'm so weirded out. I just find it strange because I've never had a doubt in my mind that I love women even since I was a child but when I subtract men from the situation all of a sudden I'm having these weird crying fits??? Has anyone else experienced this how did you get through it

It is both me and my girlfriends first time being with woman. We have been dating for 7 months now. Our relationship started off really weird, with me moving in with her as roommates and then going on to date her. When we lived together, we were inseparable, we did everything together. I ended up moving because I wasn’t able to stay there about 5 months in our relationship (it had nothing to do with our relationship at all). When I moved, we still saw eachother everyday for the most part, whenever we could. She went in a lot of trips this summer, giving us a lot of space from eachother recently. I saw her today, and she basicly told me that she feels like she wants more time apart to be alone and with friends and family, and that she is fine not seeing eachother for 2-3 days at a time. She reassured me by telling me that she loves to hang out with me, and that she just felt bad that she hasn’t been around her friends and family as much as she would like (which I don’t know if it’s true because she also said that she just wants space). She mentioned that she notices that other streight people that date don’t see eachother everyday. It probably should be said that this is both of ours first real relationship, so we are just figuring out what is health along the way. I think that I have an anxious attachment and so change from my regular routine of seeing her everyday is really hard for me. I feel like the way that I’m taking has more to do with me. I think I’ve been way too attached and dependent on her within this relationship. It’s just really hard now to take a step back and learn how to be my own self right now. I also have obstacles in my way which limit my ability to really learn how to be alone (no car, bus is an hour walk, super anxious being alone just because I’m really afraid of something bad happening to me, we share friends, etc) the only thing I have to myself that’s apart from her is work ( which she wants to get employed there now aswell). She has an avoidant attachment so ig this isn’t too crazy for her to ask, she asked in the beginning of our relationship but then just didn’t try to be alone or communicate with me about it at all. Since then nothing. I literally started sobbing (partly because I just started my period and I was in a sad mood) and I couldn’t stop crying for like 2 hours, it was so embarrassing. Is this crazy? I know that we need space to be ourselves, but is she doing it to do the right thing, or because that’s what everyone around her does??