u/Chicken_Little_777

I would love to hear from other moms over 40 what your recovery was like after natural birth. My OB has been vaguely helpful at best, pessimistic at worst. I suppose I have a variety of questions and concerns, but before I get into those I’ll give you all some backstory.
I (41f) am 9 days postpartum. I conceived spontaneously and am overall healthy and fit. I’m pretty petite (5’4” and 117 lbs pre-pregnancy) and gained about 35 lbs during pregnancy. This is my second pregnancy, but my first was 20 years ago, so this felt very much like a “first time mom” experience for me physically. The labor and birth were relatively uncomplicated, and my beautiful, healthy LO was 8 lbs, 2 oz and 21” long. Due to several preexisting large fibroids (roughly 5-6cm each), I developed postpartum hemorrhage that required a manual sweep, the use of a Jada balloon and pitocin for 24 hours and 2 blood transfusions. After all was said and done I had lost over 3.5 liters of blood and almost died. I have to say, the combination of the Jada balloon and the pitocin drip were more painful than the actual labor, and they tried several pain meds that didn’t even touch the pain before resorting to Dilaudid, which finally knocked the pain -and me- out. After the Jada was removed, I developed a fever and spent 2 additional days in the hospital on IV antibiotics and fluids.
I have a 2nd degree perineal tear and an assortment of 1st degree vaginal/labial tears. 9 days postpartum I’m having trouble controlling urine flow and bowels (have pooped myself twice since being home, possibly due to IV antibiotics and stool softeners and laxatives to combat severe constipation from pain meds during my hospital stay). To say that I’m utterly humiliated is an understatement. My curiosity got the best of me and I made the mistake of looking “down there” with a mirror, and everything looks a mess. I discovered tears that I wasn’t informed about, probably because they didn’t deem it necessary because they didn’t require stitches. The opening sort of looks like it’s gaping a bit, like maybe the size of a nickel or quarter, and I can see vaginal tissue. At the risk of sounding frivolous and superficial, I’m used to things being pretty snug down there, having overall good pelvic floor and core health and have enjoyed a very satisfying sex life with my husband. I’ve had loads of conversations with my husband about my concerns involving my sexual function. He has been wonderfully supportive through this whole journey on all levels, and assures me that whether or not things go “back to normal” down there doesn’t make any difference to him whatsoever. While that is very reassuring to hear, I guess I AM worried about whether or not things will go back to being at least somewhat close to the way they were before pregnancy/birth.
So I guess my questions and concerns are three-fold:

For those who gave birth naturally in your 40s, how long did your postpartum recovery take? Should I expect things to take longer to recover than, say, a woman in her 30s or have you found it to be about the same?
Have you had any long term issues with incontinence, and if so, what can be done about it?
How are things for you sexually? Did things go back to normal, or was it just never the same?
I’m feeling very emotionally raw and just trying to prepare myself for what to expect, as finding any info on my exact situation has been a challenge.

Please be gentle with me, I’m feeling very raw and vulnerable emotionally and physically, as I have just been through a lot. I’ve seen other women post on Reddit with concerns about sexual function/vaginal tightness after birth and get chastised for being “superficial” or “misogynistic,” which I am neither. These are just concerns I have about MY body, MY future pleasure and MY health, and I’m just trying to mentally prepare myself for the possibility of different outcomes.

Thank you to those of you who have read this far, and thank you in advance for helpful, honest, compassionate responses. ❤️