Depressed even though I propably dont have reason to be
Tried posting elsewhere - always got removed for some reason, so Ill try here..
Hello, so I am writing this at 2 am, because I couldnt fall asleep and need to vent my accumulated depression/anger/sadness via text so that I exhaust myself enough and let go of emotions.
I am a guy in my early twenties from EU and this year especially (but not only) I started to become depressed quite frequently thorough the year.
On the paper I think I have solid background (you can skip these points, but wanted to make clear I dont have any trauma, abusive history, ... - PLEASE DONT READ IT AS ANY FORM OF BRAGGING):
\- My family is really supportive towards me and my actions. My parents are succesfull and want us (me and my sister) to be financialy secured in life. They own some properties which we will propably inherit and get good income from them so we will have much easier start having this + place to live. They love us and we have great relationship with each other.
\- I have wonderful sister which I would do anything for.
\- I have really good close friends which I can rely on/spent time with.
\- Recently got into my dream UNI and did almost (some are remaining) all exams of first year and I love the things we learn.
\- I am generally healthy.
But there is one thing I never had and thats GF. I never had one, never had sex, kiss or anything and I am getting quite frustrated/sad because of that. I read countless of posts saying: dont search, she will come when you dont expect it; women can smell desperation; focus on other things; ...
Well I tried to follow these tips and I tried to distract myself as much as possible + learn to be as much happy single as I can - I study a lot; I do sports to distract myself; I go out with friends; ... But every other afternoon I get home my brain just starts to rewind this same thought again and again and lot of times it just suddenly comes up even when I am in the middle of activity. It doesnt help that when I am out with my friends often one of them mentions that he and his GF did this and that and I am sitting there like: Must be nice.. 😐 (I am propably last single in the group).
I just cant take it anymore. I was in one quasi-relationship or situationship if you will (didnt work out at all). Tried dating apps - went on like 3 dates in total (never went past 1. date). Now I just stopped getting matches/likes in general. Most girls I approach just straight up ignore me and want to get out of the conversation asap even if I just want us to be friends, nothing more... Like I just dont exist. Trying talking on parties/in bars - never EVER worked for me aswell..
I know we are our worst critics, but what I gsthered from the signals in general (and my mirror lol) is that I am just physically ugly (not overweight - normal BMI, some muscles - but facialy ugly). Plain and simple. It also doesnt help that I am naturaly shy infront of strangers and can propably give the weird guy vibes... Now you will propably not believe me, but I have never accussed any woman (invididual or in general) of my dating failures (even if its the most common thing to do nowadays - according to internet lol).
I am just really sad that I was born this way, but then I know I dont have right to be even remotely depressed about that because otherwise I have things in life a lot of people wish for.
But it just eats me day be day, piece by piece.. Never having the reprocipated feel of love. Being wanted by someone. Having the bond with someone friends can never fully substitute. Seeing couples every day walking and holding hands, doing activities together, i am slowly starting to lose hope.
Sorry for long text I just want to tire myself and vent the emotions I feel right now so that atleast for today I let go and finally go to sleep.. 😶🌫️